thelesbianlifestyle.com

I can’t sleep tonight.  I needed an outlet to get the thoughts out of my head… so I signed up and here it is.

I recently went on a vacation with my wife for our one year wedding anniversary.  The day we came back my mother fell, shattered her knee cap and our whole vacation vanished from my memory.  That was June 26th.  Since that day my life has been hell.  Well, hectic is more like it.  I took two incomplete’s in my classes. This might be the biggest stress on me.  The next semester is about to start and I have about 6 papers left to write… with no desire to do so.  I had such a great routine prior to my vacation. My life was planned, organized, and regimented.   I was working 60+ hrs. a week, maintaining a strong 4.0GPA, having a healthy balance in my relationship, working out 4x a week, and having a healthy balance of fun time with my friends.   Now, I cannot get back into my routine and I sure as hell cannot find a healthy balance.  I feel like I’m living my life hour by hour.

I now have no time to myself.  I don’t think I’ve sat down and relaxed since I’ve returned from vacation. My job is more hectic than ever. I’m starting to hate it.  I used to LOVEEEEE my job.  I’m having more days than good. My social life is thriving.. that’s about it. I have been going out, spending too much money, eating junk, not working out, and recently, I’ve gone back to my old habit, cocaine. GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I gave it up when I met my wife.  I then did it every now and again.  Now I’ve done it for the past 3 weekends. Here it is a Monday night and I’m doing it again, as well as having 5 beers in me, and still going.

I’m blaming my downfall on the chaos following my vacation. I had a total of 5 hours from departing the plane to running to my mom’s side at the hospital. I didn’t unpack for a month. I moved back into my mom’s house (HELL)!!!  I became her caretaker. Even when I had to go back to my apt because she was the worst patient ever and my wife couldn’t take it anymore.  Now I’m going back and forth daily.  I have no time for my relationship, working out, or just quiet time for myself.  I allot time to finish my course work (really want to get it done before I start my 16 credits of grad psychology courses) but something always comes up.  Everything and everyone comes before me.

So here I am.  It’s Monday. I had a busy weekend surrounding outings with friends, a heat wave, running back and forth to my mother’s house, cleaning my DISGUSTING (2 weeks worth of mail, vacuuming up after my Husky, putting away 6 loads of laundry and a few days worth of dishes) apartment, playing softball for my wife’s corporate team, and everything else inbetween.  Today I went to work and it was non-stop. Then I had to drop my dogs off at my mother’s house. It’s a heat wave and I don’t have central air. She does and they’re more comfortable there.  So, I went to her house, had to do chores for her since she can’t walk.  I went through her shed looking for an old air conditioner. In that process I dropped things on myself 4 times. I’m covered in bruises.  I was miserable. All I wanted to do was go home after the disappointment of finding a 30 yr. old air conditioner that weighed about a million lbs.   Well, then I couldn’t find my car keys.  40 minutes later after I found them, I was crying in my car, calling my wife.  She, ironically, didn’t have time to talk because she was driving home from work with a c0-worker and didn’t want to be rude.  I immediately called my best friend, bitched, went to the hardware store and bought a new air conditioner, then went home.  Of course, everythign was fine when I got home.. but I was still on edge.  I read my book, then called for some C.  Awesome.  In the mean time I had a fews beers. My wife seemed OK with this until after I acquired it.  Then she expressed her uncomfortableness with it.   I don’t feel like I’m falling into my old habit (I used to be an everydayer… functioning with it. AKA working 80hrs a week and going to school full time)  but it’s a “school night” and I haven’t done that in a while.   Her reason was that I always worry about money and I’ve spend enough on it in the last month.  My defense… I make almost twice as much money and have basically no bills.  The excessive amount of money we pay out each month in student loans and other bills, is her debt.   I made the promise to her that I would not ever throw salaries in her face while arguing anymore (which I did not resort to tonight) but I definitely thought it in my head…. sort of a “HOW DARE YOU!”

That brings me to where I am now. I’m typing, doing reseach for my paper, watching Sex and the City, having a beer, doing some stuff, sweating, needing to pee, reflecting on my chaotic life right now, yearning to get back to my routine lifestyle prior to my vacation, and being happy to put my thoughts into words and get them off my chest.

I’m in a predicament.  I know my life will fall back into place, but god damn.. it can’t happen soon enough.

Life…

P.S…. it’s taking me forever to figure out how to post this damn thing!