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An additional note: I received a response from the company, Touche, about this review. They wanted to note that due in large part to my feedback through this review and through email, changes have been made to the product and the manual. The note in the manual about the product not being able to be used during menstruation was a note added by the women at the company who tested the products, whose opinion it was that it wouldn’t be hygienic, not from any actual fact that it wouldn’t be. This has been changed in the manual. I’m impressed that my own response to something I noted in the manual as odd was actually changed because I said something. They responded to a number of other points, one being my criticism of the little motors. They point out that larger batteries/larger bullets would make the beads too big. Point taken. I don’t like it, but they have a point. I was informed by Touche that they have tested out cleaning the motors with their toycleaner and found that they can be satisfactorily cleaned. (I disagree and would still not share this product with a partner – make her buy her own.) They responded to my criticism of the “key” to fish the vibes out. They point out this is necessary to get them out, and that vibrating anal beads of this type are unique and therefore this is a necessary tool to make such a thing possible. I do agree, yes, this is true, but it should not be so. I hope they keep developing it and find a way to make completely enclosed motors.

My big complaint, the one that lost 5 points, was that it hurt on removal because the holes in the beads were so big that fully seated vibes left a lip that kind of… I’m not sure, dug against my body a bit. Touche says the new motors have a larger silicone button which takes up the gap and this problem no longer exists. And they state this change was thanks to my complaint. I think they honestly looked at the complaint, and changed the product. This is pretty much unheard of in businesses today. Nice one, Touche. If you order this toy today, they say they will be shipped with the new and improved motors. Also, they note they have another product with the beads connected like o-o-o (called Dare Shackles) rather than o_o_o and that this is a matter of preference – some people will like the shape of this toy. I’ll give them that, that with the new motors making the beads seamless, some people may really like the offset connections. I’m not that person. You might be.

I’m not changing the review I wrote – I’m leaving it as is, but I want to note that my opinion of the company has changed and that is what’s really important with these reviews. I reviewed this toy badly, and they read my review, and made changes. This cannot be said about most toy companies, it can’t even be said about more than a few toy companies. I’ll note that another of my negative reviews received notice from the company, and that different company who shall remain nameless is accusing me of lying in my review and claiming the product I reviewed was not theirs. Touche’s response was refreshing. Now, on to read my un-edited review…

Alternate title for the post: Your silicone cannot save you now. The Triple Crown Vibrating Anal Beads are the worst anal beads I have ever used. The company, Touché, marketed these as a “vibrating bead chain” to use “for him or her.” This makes me think they’re, you know, anal beads. So why do the safety instructions state not to use them while menstruating? Well, I emailed to ask and was told that you shouldn’t use them (vaginally, I suppose) while menstruating because “the motors are splash proof, not water proof,” and “they are hard to clean, but easily replaced.” Really? So blood is grosser than feces, now, huh? Fact of life: you put something in your butt and take it out, you’ll likely see a bit of feces. Even if not, there’s bacteria there. So if something is difficult to clean blood off of… I’m thinking it shouldn’t be used anally either. Maybe I’m crazy.

Either way, I did use it anally. I did have to test it, after all. Like I said at the get go, these are the worst anal beads I’ve ever used. I liked the idea of vibrating beads, which is why I asked to review it. But the “button” for turning the motor on is on the butt of each bead (the white bit at the wide bottom end of each bead in the pic to the right), which is precisely where you’d put your finger to anchor the bead and push it inside. Seriously. So you have to lube the thing up, turn all the beads on, and try and get them in your ass without pushing the button again. I accidentally turned the center one off, I realized later. I did orgasm with these, but I was using another vibrator on my clit, so this is not attributed to the beads. As soon as orgasm was attained, I wanted them OUT. I waited to do so until I had relaxed (as I had not removed them during orgasm). Now, the fact that they’re not “strung” through the center, but through the far side (Not O-O-O like normal anal beads, but O_O_O like fucked up anal beads) isn’t a big deal so much going in, but coming out? With the fact that each bead has a hole and a vibrator stuffed in? And the vibrator is hard, cheap plastic? It was painful. And the orgasm wasn’t that good, and the fact that it vibrated in my butt was NOT that exciting. Not worth the worry I felt with them in of how the fuck I was going to get them out.

In emailing the company, I was offered spare motors, but if the motors are going to need to be replaced after each “unclean” use because they’re so hard to clean… how is that going to work as a feasibly usable toy? Honestly, to need to replace the motors often due to hygiene? On a silicone toy? This is not acceptable. Why not just make a fully enclosed motor that recharges?

The good points don’t make up for it. It’s silicone so it should be sterilizable, but because of the motors, it’s not. It has a nice loopy handle, but it doesn’t help you get the damn thing in. It comes with lots of instructions, and a special “key” to fish the motors out of the beads. Seriously. It’s a long bit of metal with a little bend to jam in by each motor and yank it out, which you need to do to clean them. Awesome. Then what if you lose the key? Also, it takes 6 total LR41 cell batteries. These are even smaller than the batteries that go in itty bitty bullets. These are the batteries that go in the pretty much disposable cock rings you buy at sex toy shops for $4.

Let’s rank this gem, shall we? Starting off at ten, it stays ten for a while because it’s made if sterilizable silicone. Awesome. Now. It takes microscopic batteries, six of them. Minus one. The motors cannot be sterilized. Minus one. You need a special metal “key” to dig the dirty motors out for cleaning. Minus one. The company warns against using it vaginally during menstruation due to hygiene but gives a green light on using it anally. Minus two, this is a big fail. The edges of the holes in the beads and the butt of the vibrators hurt my butt removing them, and yes, I was relaxed, and yes, I used lube, and yes, the vibrators were seated correctly, so no, I did nothing wrong with this. MINUS FIVE. Anal beads should not hurt BY DESIGN. The center connecting necks between the beads are offset. Minus one. You can turn the vibrators off easily (or I did) while struggling to insert them. Minus one. These anal beads get a total of -2.

Would you like to invite a world of hurt to your own ass? Check them out over at Babeland, although I’m going to wager that almost anything you put in your ass would be better than this. I say skip the Triple Crown Beads and go for Flexi Felix. He’d never dream of hurting your derriere.

Please note: If you do order this item, it will ship with different, improved motors that fit snug in the bead openings, so that it should not hurt upon removal. Additionally, the whole toy can be easily cleaned. If this looks fun, go for it, and trust that you’ll receive one that’s better than this one.

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