Hot:

Name: Amanda
Age: 30
Location: NY

Until now I have always been attracted to men. A friend of mine for 10+ years has recently admitted to me that she is attracted to me. After one night of hanging out we started making out and things got pretty hot and heavy but I stopped it. Not because I didn’t love, (I absolutely loved it) but because that same night I found out she has a wife. We have been talking every day and she keeps telling me how bad she wants to be with me, but still loves her wife and will never leave her. I am so confused. I feel the strong connection we have that seems like something so real something I have never felt before also but I’m not sure if its because we have been friends for long. By no means do I want her wife to get hurt in anyway, in which we have discussed this in great detail but I can’t stop thinking about her and what it could be. I don’t want to lose her as a friend either. what should I do?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

In as few words as I can manage – don’t go here. You’re friends of 10+ years and didn’t know she had a wife? Sounds like she has trouble with honesty and that probably won’t change. You have a connection. Great. Leave it at friends and if you have a strong desire to explore the world of women do that on your own. If she ends her relationship and still wants to pursue your mutual exploration, then go for it.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Amanda –

Sounds like you’re in a hard place. You really care about your friend, in a variety of ways, and it sounds like she cares for you back. However, there is someone else she also cares for, and that puts it into a whole different situation.

Perhaps she is considering being consensually non-monogamous. In that case, please check out The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, as well as the Lesbian Polyamory Reader. However, if she (or her wife) decide that their relationship is going to be (or stay) monogamous, you need to understand that those are the rules. If being her friend is going to be to hard for you (and it doesn’t sounds like she’s making it very easy), then you need to take a step back and re-evaluate.

Good luck!
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Discovering you are gay or bisexual can be euphoric. It’s like discovering a whole new land of adventure. It can be tempting to grab any opportunity that comes along, especially with a trusted friend. But don’t betray your values. And don’t get involved with a situation that would ultimately make you miserable.

Some people prefer open relationships, where partners are free to have sex with other people. But that doesn’t sound like what your friend is doing. She’s cheating and cheating isn’t cool. It also doesn’t sound like sharing a partner is what you’re looking for. My advice is not to get involved with her. Keep her as a friend if you can, but don’t go further. There are a lot of fish in the sea; fish who aren’t already involved.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Amanda,

I think you answered your question within your question. “she wants to be with me, but still loves her wife and will never leave her” Love, that kind of love that we all aspire for, would give her the courage to leave. It looks like she wants the best of both worlds. I say follow your heart, but be aware of all the drama that following your heart my bring you.

Take things one step at a time.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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