TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #40

Sep
2009

Hot:

Name: Jan
Age: 24
Location: N/A

She is my ex, we were together for 4 months and have known each other for 2 years. We broke up because she wants to be straight and didn’t want me to hurt her. She went back to church and also tries to preach to me. She does not have many friends so we still hang out together. Recently we got closer to each other because of work and see each other everyday. She tried to make me jealous by talking about her ex and then denies that she’s jealous. She wants me to massage her and hug her but also at the same time insists and repeats that we’re impossible. It has been 1 yr since we broke up. She keeps hurting me all the time by saying nasty things. She also says she gets upset with me very easily esp when I ignore her. I know I still love her but I am really not sure if she will come back to me. She’s always alone and sad, whenever she’s crying she will text me and I will go to her place. I have been very nice to her, cooking for her etc. she says there’s no one else who’s as nice to her but we’re impossible. She’s a jealous and possessive person by nature. If possible she does ‘t want to be friends, but then she will forgive me if I make a mistake because I am a worthy friend. I need some advice, we have been broken up for 1 yr now. Should I wait for her? And what should I tell her? Will she ever change her mind?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

What is it exactly you love about her? She sounds like she is about as pleasant as a having large needles gouged into your eyes repeatedly. Just because you have fond feelings for her doesn’t mean you have to be her friend or her lover and you need to move on to someone a little more healthy and available for a loving relationship. Hon, I know this is hard to get at your age, but she just isn’t into you…except when she is. Simply put, let it go and run away fast before she drags you down any further with her.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Jan -
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but regardless as to whether or not she changes her mind (and I don’t think she will), it doesn’t matter. You deserve better. It is time (far past time, in fact), to move on. Hit the highway. Vamoose. She is treating you like crap, and you’re just letting her walk all over you.

I don’t know her background or health history, but it sounds like she’s either a) a really nasty person naturally, b) dealing with a lot of hurt and trauma (and trust me, you CANNOT help her through that alone, c) has some intense anger issues, d) has some sort of mental health aspect that she needs help with (again, you CANNOT help her with that on your own), or e) all of the above.
The best thing I think you can do is to help her find a good therapist to get her started, and then back off and take care of yourself. Perhaps, in time, you will both be at a place to have a mutually respectful, healthy friendship, but right now, you need to remove yourself from what sounds like a mentally abusive situation.

PLEASE take care of yourself,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jan,

It sounds like a very unhealthy friendship. My guess is that she is attracted to you, but has a lot of unhealthy emotional baggage (including her religious beliefs). Consequently, she is alternately drawing you in and pushing you away. It’s time to walk away and let go of any hope for a relationship as well as the friendship. She only be a thorn in your side until you do. You deserve better.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Oh, Jan, Jan, Jan,

What’re you DOING, Darling?

It seems obvious to me that she has feelings for you but doesn’t want to commit to being with you. I say she needs to fish or cut bait.

One thing I’ve noticed that some women do is not letting old lovers/potential lovers off the hook. They do, say, don’t do, or don’t say just enough to keep the person from moving on.

Believe me, my friend was plagued with women like that.

They didn’t want to be her girl but they made sure they did JUST enough to keep her doing “girlfriend-like” things for them (ie. cooking, fixing stuff, buying them things, giving them money, etc.)

It’s repulsive to me.

So. I say give her an ultimatum. Tell her that she gives you some reason to believe that she is interested and that if she is interested, now is the time to say something about it otherwise, you are moving on from hoping that you have a future with her.

Then stick to that ulimatum.

I really detest when people keep people dangling.

…my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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