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Name: Nancy
Age: 49
Location: Kansas

I think I am bi-sexual since I had a happy college romance with a woman, then due to religion and social pressure chose to marry. I was married for almost 20 years when my husband died of cancer. I have not dated since his death 7 years ago. I have a huge crush on a single female co-worker who is a friend, but I don’t know if she would be interested in more and don’t really know how to go about finding out without being frank, and I fear losing the friendship if I am. I’ve had the crush for 10 months now, can you give me some advice?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Tricky one.  Plain fact is that if you probe too much or lay it out there for her (the feelings, not you – but maybe that will be the next step) you DO stand a chance of not only losing the friendship but of being outed to others in your workplace.  Has she given you ANY indication that your affection would be welcome?  If not, there is a 90% chance she will not reciprocate your feelings.  You could casually start a conversation after hours over a drink about a “friend” of yours who needed advice about a similar problem and see what advice she would offer your “friend.”

Office romances are tough to begin with but regardless of your feelings for her, I would not pursue this romantically.  Your state does not have jobs protections for gays but it does have sexual harassment policies that could end up bouncing you out on your ear if this goes awry.   A strong emotional connection like the one you probably had with your long term partner (husband) left dormant for seven years may be the root of your strong attraction to your friend here.  If you find you are interested in women generally, then I’d pursue that through local groups and communities.  See if it fits.  If you decide to risk your employment and friendship by spilling your feelings to the woman and it goes over big, it could be great. But I wouldn’t count on it.

At what risk love?  You have to decide.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Nancy-

Congrats on embracing a part of yourself that society has pressured you to keep hidden. That’s the first step.

Crushes…well, often times, they’re just that. A way to crush your heart/feelings/etc, sometimes over and over again. However, sometimes, they CAN turn into more. You need to decided how valuable the friendship is to you, and also think about what her reaction would be if you do ask her whether she might be interested, and she’s not.

Have you come out to her as bisexual? That can be a great first step. Maybe she’s in the same boat, wondering if you might be ok with more, but doesn’t even know you’re attracted to women, period.  If you haven’t done so already, give that a shot.  Her response to you coming out might be a great indication of a) how she feels about her friend being bi, and b) how she feels about you in either a friendship or relationship sense.

Once you’ve done that, you can always slip things into the conversation that can be played off either way – if you two go to a movie, joke that it kind of feels like a date, and see how she reacts, etc.
However, one more thing you need to consider is that she is a co-worker. Regardless of whether you DO start dating, or you losing the friendship for whatever reason, please remember you need to work with this person.  Many places have rules against all company romances, and it’ll be just as frustrating if you two aren’t talking.  Please think this through.

If this doesn’t work out, or you decide to be friends, best of luck enjoying your sexuality, and I wish you the best in finding a great person to be with.

Good luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Nancy,

Personally, I think romantic entanglements at work are a bad idea, whether straight or gay. If they end badly, you still have to work with this person or find another job. My suggestion would be to get involved in the local lesbian community (if possible) and then let nature take its course. Don’t go on the hunt for love. You will never find a satisfying relationship that way. Develop friendships with other lesbians. If you’re really ready for a relationship, love will find you. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Hi Nancy,

Honestly, I think I’d ask her to hang out some time then find some way to bring up gay folks and see what her reaction is.  Try talking about your “lesbian friend” who lives far away or something and gauge her reaction.

Do some subtle flirting, see if she bites (one can only hope!).

I agree with you that if she’s not receptive to it, it could harm your friendship, so try gauging her openness to the community first and go from there.

Or just get her really drunk and take advantage of her (just kidding!!!)…

Good luck!

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Nancy,

If ever there is a reason to be brave it is to be brave in love. I may have read that somewhere or I may have just made it up. My advice is to be honest with her. Tell her your story and listen well to hers. Become friends.

I understand your fear of not wanting to lose her friendship, but I believe you should fear not feeling her love even more. As long as you are honest with yourself and your friend no one is in the wrong. The worst that may happen is that she doesn’t feel the same way for you. In that event I’m sure you are both big enough to continue the friendship for what it is.

It seems to me that you are being given a second chance at the most amazing thing on Earth. No regrets. Please check back with us and let up know how things are going.

Kelly (Goldstardyke)
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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