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Name: Mary
Age: 29
Location: Los Angeles

I don’t know where to being, I guess I’ll start with coming out at 10 to my father. I told him I was gay and he said, I know. That went over pretty well. I had always been attracted to girls, always kissed and basically had sex with girls from a very young age. When I was 12 I got serious with my first Girl friend. I was done, around 14 my father kind of flipped out, and so did her parents, she was sent to a different school, I followed her. I was out at that school, and it was really hard. People made fun of me, I had short hair, shaved almost. It was scary. My girlfriend didn’t want anyone to know. One day she ditched me and I stole my dads car, went to the park I knew she would be at, everyone said no one wants to hang out with you, she was there, they said no one wants to hang out with a lesbian, I said well then why are you hanging out with her. Everyone got quiet, she attacked me. I went home broken and in pain. She came over later and of course I forgave her, and few weeks later she sat me down and told me she wanted to date a guy, but we could still be together. I flipped out, But did that, her and I had sex Until I was 21. I had sex with a Man at 16, It was weird, but I kept doing it and didn’t trust women and still loved her. I didn’t want to be gay, I didn’t want to be different, I never did, but now that I was older and after what happened, I just was too scared and did not want people to hate me. I came out at 10, I did not it was bad. I just knew when I heard that some men like men and some women like women that was gay, I knew I was gay. I met a guy and we started dating I was 20, he was kind of femme, and we did all kinds of crazy things together boys and girls are not supposed to do. I did love him, he told me I could not sleep with her anymore, that was fine cause she always had boyfriends so It made sense. I really wanted kids and to get married. He and I broke up after a few years. I’ve tried to date one lesbian once, but over all she was not my type and just my friend. I’ve never let myself really check it out, I really did not want to have to go threw what I went threw in high school again. I met another guy, he’s great and sweet. Does not know How intensely I feel or everything about this, he knows I had a girlfriend, he knows its her.

I talk to her every day still I’m 29. We always said we would have kids and then run off with them together. She is pregnant now and I’m engaged.

I feel sick. I’m scared, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I had it all worked out in my head. I believe in past lives, so then I’m a spirit and I fall in love with a spirit not a body. I don’t know it worked for me sort of. Then I met this guy who is gay, we became best friends and everything I feel he feels, it brings up so many feelings for me, I feel like I’m living a lie, but I don’t want to hurt my fiancée. I’ve dated other women besides her, but I got scared, I felt out of control, I feel like they will want to be with a guy one day. I’m scared I’ll get to scared and want to be with a guy, I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to fuck up my life. I wish I worked this all out in my early twenties. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I guess having kids and getting married is a bad idea, but I do love him and it would kill me to hurt him. But I want to really try being gay, But I don’t wanna try and hurt a girl either, I know I am gay, I just wonder if being with men has somehow fucked me up… AHHHHH! I’m so confused right now… I must sound insane…

Please help…

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Mary – Get thee to your nearest therapist.  You have to work this out before you tie the knot with your fiancée.  Not just the gay issue, but trust and how to build a healthy adult sexual relationship and probably some other stuff too.  Because as much as you hate the thought of hurting him by breaking it off, breaking it off after you’re married (and possibly with children) is going to be even more painful.  And, divorce, between people of any orientation, is never, never going to help the kids.  If you are gay, that’s not going to change.  It never does.  You can live a lie, but you only get one life.   So do it.  I entreat you clearly without aid of smart aleck remarks, to do something to start settling this in your head today.  Not tomorrow.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Mary,

You’re not alone in being confused and scared in trying to figure out who you are and what you want in a relationship, especially being as young as you are. A lot of people, whether gay, straight or bisexual, struggle with these issues. A lot of us have gone back and forth, including getting married to people we weren’t really compatible with. While life is easier when we don’t make these mistakes, it’s not the end of the world when we do. And sometimes, making major mistakes is the only way we learn who we really are.

Do not get married until you get this really worked out in your head and your heart. Otherwise, you will end up second guessing and possibly sabotaging your marriage.

It sounds like you are attracted to women but have a lot of fear stemming from what you went through when you were younger. Remember that high school is over. You are no longer limited in who you surround yourself with. If your gut tells you you’re gay, become involved in your local gay community (not just the bar scene, BTW). And don’t go looking for a relationship. Until you are comfortable with yourself, any relationship you find is doomed from the start.

You might benefit from talking to a therapist or counselor, who could help you sort out your feelings of sexual attraction from your other feelings. Either way, listen to your gut. Let go of fear. And trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Dear Mary,

First and foremost there is no time limit on any of what you are going through. Some people are more confident in their sexuality at age 17 then they are at age 47. It sounds that there is a lot of miscommunication and wrong paths between yourself and those close to you.
My advice to you would be to sit and think. Think about what your heart wants and go for that. That said there really is no wrong or right. There are only decisions and looking back. Neither of which are easy. Who are you in love with? Do you love yourself? It sounds like you have a lot to think about and I can’t promise that you will know everything before 30.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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