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Name: Sheri
Age: 42
Location: Arkansas

Is it possible to rekindle a 10 year relationship when the past 2 years have been like living in hell? LBD is prevalent and there have been many obstacles in our relationship causing resentment, trust issues, and many more things.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Sheri,

This is not like some big huge lesbian issue.  Lots of people I know in straight marriage get bored, uninterested, tired, busy, disconnected and don’t have sex for years.  There is hope!  The only thing standing in the way of romance and a strong sexual relationship is the two of you.  When we stop putting on the show we put on for dating, and fall into old habits, behaviors, and attitudes, relationships suffer.  It’s important to nourish them daily, just like you would that plant you see in the corner of your room with the browned leaves and piles of detritis that surround it.  It doesn’t look like it’s going to make it, but it can be brought back through time, attention, and the appropriate amount of sunlight and fertilizer and maybe moving it to a warmer part of the house.  It takes work.  Relationships don’t flourish in a vacuum.  Often, trust is broken and resentments build up because we haven’t taken the time to address our own needs or the needs of the relationship.  You can’t be there alone – you both have to be willing.
But, the answer is yes, if you want to do the work in a conscious, loving way and have the commitment to keep it together.  I won’t bore you with the mechanics of how to do it – you can find any number of books (thousands – see, you aren’t alone), couples seminars, therapy, or just some honest discussion and a joint willingness to make things better and not point fingers at who did what to whom and when.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Sheri,

The short answer to your question is yes. It is possible. It isn’t easy, however. Generally, it requires both people to let go of past resentments, to change how you see and respond to the other person and to do whatever is necessary to demonstrate (talk is cheap) that the other person’s needs and feelings are as important as yours. Just one person doing this isn’t enough. Often old triggers come up. Open, loving communication is vital.
As for the Lesbian Bed Death, it happens to most couples, including straight ones (they just don’t call it LDB, of course). For some couples, LBD isn’t a problem. After all, sex can be a wonderful part of a relationship, but it isn’t what makes a relationship sustainable. Look into why the LBD occurred. There may be multiple causes. Stress, long work hours, other commitments, trust issues, hormone levels, etc. If sex is important to you, then you have to be honest about what led to the LDB and decide what each of you are willing to change in order to rekindle the sexual flame.
Best of luck! Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Sheri,

You can only fix it if you both want it fixed.  If either of you has already “mourned” this relationship (which it kinda sounds like that one is you, but I could be wrong), then it’s already a lost cause.

You both have to make concerted efforts to change the things that hurt the other.  Therapy is, of course, a big step.

I went through the same thing with my ex.  We were together over 11 years and the last 5 were crap.  The last 2 were hell for me.  A living hell.  I became a shell of myself in more ways than one.  All of my pleas for therapy and to work on our relationship fell on deaf ears.

Finally, I realized I was over the relationship and let it go.  Which despite being “over it” still was the hardest thing I’d ever done.

Don’t let it get that far.  If you see hope for salvation do it now… but if she doesn’t want to get therapy or work on it in some other way, then she obviously doesn’t care enough about the relationship or you.  Which is hard to hear.  No one wants to believe that.  But, it’s what it means.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Truly,
Tina-cious
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the Office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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