Name: Sarah
Age: 22
Location: N/A

Okay, so I have been with my gf, first female relationship, for almost 2 years now.

As a brief history, I have been a boy-crazy, yet independent and strong-willed girl for as long as I can remember. I have constantly had relationships, with only short breaks in between. My last two serious relationships were one that lasted 3 years (end of HS to beginning of college), included a one-month engagement, which I ended out of lack of interest in the boy and realization that it was in no way what I wanted for my future, and left him with a broken heart (we are now friends FYI), the following (my last relationship) was with a man I felt I had been waiting my whole life to meet. We started dating (long-distance of about 2 hrs…) almost immediately after we met and were best friends for months, then, as things go, began to have issues with trust and frustration of not getting to be with each other when and where we wanted. This was the second of only two relationships in my life that I have been left seriously hurt. To this day, there is some tension between us, although I feel fairly content we are no longer together and that it is best for everyone, although he feels at times that he wants to be with me (only when things with the girl he finally left me for are not going so well of course…) I know better.

So, that brings me to my gf. I had been single for a few months, but recovering from the previous relationship, and when we met through a shared best friend, I, being an open-minded and fun-loving girl, was intrigued by her interest in me and allowed my first lesbian experience occur. We were crazy about each other for about a month, and as things calmed down and we looked at each other seriously, decided a relationship may possibly work. Two years later we’re still together after all of her coming out issues with her mother and her slowly fading concern that I will always be secretly be wanting a man. We are best friends and although we have our issues, are a solid couple and are starting to feel like settling down is in the cards. We have lived in an apt together for about 6 months and things have been great…I now have job that is making home-buying an option and we have been looking together. If we get a home, we will be wanting children in the near future and have discussed this and our personal interests. Both of us are fairly femme and have always had the interest in having children, biologically. Because I am from the midwest, and not heavily exposed to the lesbian lifestyle other than that of my friends, I am having a hard time identifying how I will feel when it comes time for us to have children. We would each like to have one, using the same sperm donor. She would like to have the first, hoping that it will eventually bring her mother closer to her again, and in turn, choose to be a little more accepting of us as a couple and eventually a family. I will then have a child as well, and hopefully, we will be able to each adopt to have full parental rights. However, this is a situation, a story, which I have never gotten to hear or have experience with from other women. I feel like there is either one woman who is the more feminine or at least more interested in having the children, or that each woman comes into the relationship with a child from a previous relationship.

I have no hesitation in being able to create our own story, and our own lifestyle, I just worry how we will feel about each other’s biological children and how we will go about doing something like this…that we won’t play favorites inadvertently, etc. I have looked for advice and/or this type of family creation and dynamic and have yet to find it or get any advice.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Sarah

Just my opinion but I think if you look at the statistics for relationships with children at your age you’ll find that it’s very difficult sometimes to make it work—all of it—both the relationship, which will change dramatically—it just happens—and the parenting.    But, the heart wants what the heart wants, eh?

I’m from the Midwest originally and what I’d say is you’ll feel about planned motherhood the way most mothers feel.  You’ll be joyous and discover immeasurable amounts of love and hopes tied up with a little pink or blue ribbon around them.  My kids are adopted.  I can’t imagine in a million years that I would be capable of any more love than I have for them despite not having given birth.  I think they would agree.  You’ll realize you get no sleep, have no extra money, can’t take off on a whim, and will probably regret none of it anyway because being a parent by any means is the best thing ever for many, many parents.  They become the sun, moon and stars.

It’s important to discuss thoughts on discipline, religious upbringing, expectations regarding sharing of duties before you get started. And, the fact that you are in a lesbian relationship does require that if you don’t have the option of second parent adoptions in your state that you save your money and go to the very best attorney possible to have an ironclad contract created that formalizes the parent-child relationship to protect the child, should you split up, and also protects you as the non-bio mom.  Many family courts are not friendly to the gay family entity.  No matter how much you believe you will be together forever, plan now for the potential or you will have problems—guaranteed—should something go wrong.  Everyone says to themselves, “She’d never do that…” but they do sometimes, so be prepared.

I recommend reading Mombian, LesbianDad, and though now defunct, The Other Mother to see how some couples deal with co-parenting and navigating a continuing loving relationship with their partners.

Good luck,
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Sarah -

I know of many lesbian couples where both women choose to bear children.  Also, I know of quite a few where neither chooses to bear children, and they choose to either adopt or use a surrogate.

If you are concerned about how you’re going to treat each others children, I think that says something. What, I’m not sure.  But regardless of who bears either child, they will be BOTH of your children.  When a child is adopted, they are just as much a child of the parent(s), even though they are not biologically connected.  Biology means very little as far as parenting.

If you (one or both of you) think this may be an issue, then I highly suggest that you two both go speak to a therapist before deciding to bring children into this world.  If you think it’s a concern, then it definitely is, and worth working through BEFORE it becomes a problem.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Sarah,

I support your desire to connect with other lesbian couples who have chosen to alternate giving birth. It is always helpful to see how other people have worked through situations that you may face in the future. I don’t have any specific resources to recommend, but I’d suggest looking for lesbian mommie blogs and forums. I think you’ll find some couples like that sooner or later.

That said, don’t stress yourself out over it. Take one step at a time. For now, focus on getting a house and adjusted to that. Then when you’re ready, look into having the first child (not two). As the two of you participate in preparing for the arrival of your first child, a natural bonding will take place even if you are not biologically linked to the child. Love makes a family, remember?

Keep in mind, that with IVF, it is not uncommon to have multiples (twins, triplets, etc.). Also, getting pregnant via IVF is a lot tougher than doing it the natural way. So be prepared! Don’t get so focused on family-building that you forget about your love for each other.

I wish the two of you all the best as you journey into this next phase of your lives. Trust the process!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Sarah,

I’m kind of confused… your backstory lead me to believe your ultimate question would be something else entirely!

So you’re worried that you will love/favor the child you carry more than the one you don’t?

That’s just silly.  Adopting a child and birthing a child each come with the same kind of love attached.  I don’t really think you need to worry about that.

But the fact that you went into all that other story (particuarly the men you were with and how there are still some hard feelings with one) leads me to believe you have another question in your heart.

Am I right?

Truly,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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