Name: Tom
Age: 25
Location: West Midlands

I’m a straight, single. 25 year-old male.

I have a friend. She is 18, and came out as gay at 17. This got her kicked out by her parents, and forced to live with her abusive father (I was unable to provide more than moral support at the time) , until she was able to move abroad to live with her girlfriend.

I supported her long-distance through this difficult relationship, despite my misgivings about the fiancee (I even offered to marry her to get her into the country). When she came back to the UK, she moved in with me. We became very close indeed, spending all our time together, talking about everything, cooking for each other, giving massages, foot rubs, and eventually sleeping together most nights (literally sleeping, with nothing sexual). Through this, she was well aware that I had feelings for her, though would not act on them – we discussed it at length, with her saying several times that she was ‘only 95% gay’, and that she would sleep with me in an instant if she were straight.

After a week of sharing a bed, she came onto me in a very overt way. I did not reciprocate, but didn’t stop her either – I’m afraid I’m only human. We didn’t do more than what I’d call moderate foreplay. She later freaked out and said she’d been asleep through the whole thing. She said we should pretend it never happened, as she liked what we had.

Since that night, she has constantly ignored, mocked, and actively avoided me, and started clinging to our other (male, married – I’ll call him John) housemate constantly – and I mean constantly, even more than she did me. After several weeks of this (and after her break-up with her fiancee, which she barely even mentioned to me), I confronted her.

She claimed we were only close at first because she was lonely, and now she was being herself, which meant not getting close in any way to anyone. I accepted this. A few weeks later, I found her cuddling up at night on the sofa with John, exactly as we used to, and exactly as she claimed she no longer did with anyone. They had been together constantly since the night she came onto me, and the more she blanked me, the closer she got to him. She has basically taken our entire relationship, cut me out of it, and put him in my place.

I confronted her a second time a week ago, and she apologised, saying she’d been very unfair, and that the problem was we needed boundaries, but after that night she’d gone too far. I accepted this again.

Since then, she has continued to act in exactly the same way – avoiding and ignoring me, and clinging to him like a limpet, and following him around like a puppy, waiting for him to come home so she can cuddle him, and talking to and about him all day, every day. We have spent about five minutes together, and the rest of the time she’s been leaving the room when I enter, telling me she’s going to bed (and then sneaking downstairs to cuddle him once I’ve gone to bed), and being nothing like the friend she was a few months ago, while flaunting her friendship with John.

The only thing I can think of to explain it is that she isn’t gay. I think she’s hiding behind homosexuality so she doesn’t have to deal with her issues about men, or her feelings for me. There’s nothing wrong with having those issues, of course, but my concern is that the way she is dealing with them is causing her – and me – massive harm. It’s almost entirely destroyed our friendship, and if she does to John what she’s doing to me, given what I know about him, his reaction will be to take everything she has trusted him with and use it to hurt her. Do you think I’m right? What should I do?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Tom –

Okay, I’m guessing what my compatriots are going to say on this, but here’s my spin.  Run.
She’s got a lot of issues going on none of which you will be able to help her with.  She sounds emotionally self-destructive, a little narcissistic, and a lot needy.  It’s like the tenants of Al Anon Brother – you can’t help them, you can only help yourself.
I’m worried that you have yourself a little too emotionally wrapped up in her and I might even think you were in love with her if you hadn’t mentioned she was just a friend.  Do you want to look at that perhaps?
Many of us have a desire to save the ones we care about from disaster.  It’s unfortunate that none of us have that kind of control on behalf of someone else.
You have to let her go.  I’d be helping her find a place to live and giving her a timeline to do so.  Or, in the alternative, find a new place for yourself and then you won’t have to watch her deconstruct John’s relationship nor her descent into whatever or whomever she’s doing at the moment.
Good Luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Tom,

First of all, I commend you on being a considerate and caring friend. Second, there is no way for you to know why she’s behaving the way she is. It is not uncommon for women who were sexually abuses or physically abused as little girls to use sex as a way to control people or to avoid feelings of unworthiness. Maybe that’s what your friend is dealing with. Maybe not. You might suggest she seek professional counselling from a licensed therapist. Whether she does or doesn’t is up to her.

As far as what YOU should do, my first suggestion is to realize that you can’t control her behavior. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. You can set boundaries, but if she chooses not to honor those boundaries, then you have to decide whether you and she should be living under the same roof. One of you may have to move out, depending on whose flat it is. Sometimes the most loving response to someone else’s acting out is, “You are no longer welcome here.” It’s not fun to set such boundaries, but sometimes that’s the only way for them to realize they need help.

I wish you and her the best. Trust the process!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Tom,

Um.. what are you DOING??

First off, she’s 19.  She’s a kid.  You are paying way too much attention to that girl.  A six year age different in your teens and twenties is a big deal.  She is totally in that “not a girl, not yet a woman” place.

And, not to sound harsh or anthing, it sounds to me like you are a bit obsessed as well.  At 19 this girl is finding her sexual self… and hey, this is the age to do it.

Personally, I think it’s time this girl moves on to her own place with roommates her own age (and possibly gender).  She shouldn’t be living with grown men, particularly older men who are having sexual relations with her… that’s for sure.

She is young.  She is obviously unsettled and all over the place in her actions and thoughts… I think you’d be making a huge mistake right now to try to make any sense of it.

She needs to get out of your house.  SOON.

This is a very unhealthy relationship as far as I’m concerned.  For all involved.

Good luck.
Truly,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Tom,

First and foremost I’m sorry about this. It sounds to me that this girl needs a friend and not a lover. She’s still discovering herself and living with two guys who are pining form her attention must distract from that. I could go into a bunch of sappy mumbo jumbo, but here’s the deal. Let go. Forget her. Or remember the good times and move on. No matter this woman’s sexuality it doesn’t sound like she’s ready to be in a true and real relationship.

I wish you all the luck in the world in love. I know how hard the healthy kind can be to find.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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