Hot:

Name: Kizzy
Age: 32
Location:

All my friends and family know that I like women, I don’t hide it from anyone. But my daughter, for some reason I’m not comfortable with letting her know this or see it. (From Me.) she’s only three now. So, I want to know if being lesbian would have any negative affect on my daughter.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Kizzy,

My sister likes women.  She’s straight.  I like women.  I’m a lesbian.  It’s the degree to which I “like” women that sets me apart.  I can’t feel that though you aren’t hiding your preference, I don’t see you saying outright, “I am a lesbian…”  Internalized homophobia is one of the things that society has hoisted upon many of us.  I think you might need to get just a little more comfortable with yourself.  Things more likely to negatively affect your daughter are poverty, abuse, and fighting divorced parents.  Seriously.

I have no idea where you live, but if you are in the US, I suggest you not hide who you are from your child and carry on as though you are no different than heterosexual people.  Really, when my mom was single I had no exposure to her adult life outside of our house – she didn’t flaunt her heterosexuality.  When she brought my stepdad into the house, it was a process.

But, as your daughter begins to get a little older, you are going to have to explain differences – just like when she asks, “Why is that man so dark?” or “Why does that person have 19 children?”  As she gets older yet, if you are in a significant relationship, she may well be teased or bothered at school – but trust me – those girls especially would find something to pick on someone about anyway, it’s the age – it’s all in how you handle it with the school, with her, and with the parents who parent the bully.  You can’t shield her from mean girls completely no matter what you do or who you are.

A very significant recent study shows that being raised by same-sex parent is just as good as being raised by your typical straight parents.

There is also a great organization called Colage which caters to kids of all ages who have gay parents.  I would definitely check it out.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Kizzy-

No. Your sexuality will have no negative effect on your daughter. If anything, you can really help her now by sharing parts of it with her, showing her and telling her about the diversity within the human race.  People have different colors, traditions, holidays, orientations, etc.  Teach her about different families (adopted children, single parent, two moms/dads, being raised by grandparents, etc).  You have the perfect opportunity to great an open minded, non bigoted person. Lucky you!  They are lots of great books out there for helping explain orientation to kids. The most famous is probably “Heather has two mommies” – I suggest you check it out!

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Kizzy,

While I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist (or a parent), I am not aware of any impartial study indicating that being a lesbian parent has any negative impact on a child outside of the intolerance of other people. In general, kids don’t care whether you prefer to be with men or women. They just want to be loved and nurtured. Be honest with your child about who you are or who you love. Be age appropriate, of course. A three-year old doesn’t need an in-depth discussion of sexual orientation politics.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Kizzy,

As a mom of 2 who has been out since they were 1 and 5, I have to tell you, be honest.  Just be yourself.  Don’t hide yourself from her.

All that tells her is that you are ashamed of being who you are and that being gay is something you have to hide.

Think about it this way.  If one day she came to you and said, “Mom, I want to cut my hair off because everyone at school thinks that long hair is ugly and even though I love my long hair, I want to cut if off now.”

What would you say?  OK, since the kids think it’s ugly, you should change yourself to fit what they want?  Or would you tell her to be herself and to not care what anyone else thinks?

What if she ends up being gay?  How would she ever feel good about being who she is knowing her mother hid it from her out of shame?

Our children learn far more from us than just the lessons we teach.  Will you have moments when your child will be ashamed about it?  Maybe.  But even then you do not hide it.

My daughter asked me once a long time ago if I would take the pride stickers off my car.  I refused.  I told her that I couldn’t allow the world to tell me who I was and to remove my PRIDE stickers would be in direct contradiction of why they went up in the first place.

They are both more than fine (they are 21 and 16 now).  Their friends all know and no one cares.  Some of her male friends now think it’s “hot” that he has a lesbian mom (groan)…

But when all is said and done, I am not ashamed of one action I took in all these years to continue to be who I am and to teach my children a lesson in individuality.

They are far more open and accepting people for it.

Good luck!
Truly,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Dear Kizzy,

I don’t have children yet,  but I do have an amazing 3 year old niece. I’m sure the day will come when I will have to talk to her about who I am and how who I love is a part of me. I think the route I will take is one of honesty.

I adore my niece and I hope she loves her Aunt Kelly just as much. My hopes is that she’ll be like, “Whatever Aunt Kelly, lets play Barbies!”

I hope that you find the comfort level you need to discuss your love and sexuality with your daughter. My theory is that it will liberate you and make her a better person.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.