I’ve supressed myself too long

Jan
2010

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I will say it has been a long journey going back to my initial coming out. I was 15 years old when I was first out. I had the worlds best girlfriend, friends who were supportive, and everything was right. When i told my parents thats when every thing went downhill. I felt so wrong and insecure about me liking girls. When my gf of 3 years dumped me I was lost and confused. I then decided that you know maybe i was wrong in thinking i was gay. I then started to try and find myself. I dated a guy friend of mine my senior year in highschool. WRONG idea! I felt soooo miserable. On the side towards the end I was chatting with this girl to get to know her and possibly date her. I was just pretending to be “straight”. It got worse in college. I hooked up, dated, slept with a few guys. Its my third year in college and I now know my first coming out was right. Every man I had been with was incomplete. I was unsatisfied. I felt empty and even more lost. I was incompatible with every guy. Sexually it was the worst. I would tell my group of friends it was amazing. I was lying to them. It was just easier that way to lie because they were so accustomed to me being with guys. I slowly started coming out as Bi. A lot of people are like omg you are bi. I’m like yes, shocking huh? But here I am 5 years after my initial coming out and I reaffirmed I infact was correct coming out as a Lesbian and i was foolish for letting myself feel insecure about who i liked. Being with women is fulfilling. My world is complete and i’m happy with myself. The way i knew was this past summer of 09 i dated a girl for 2 months. I re-immersed myself into the GLBT community as lesbian. I felt at home. From there on out i knew i was gay. I of course slipped a few times when drunk hooking up with just a few guys before i met this amazing girl. I know 100% i’m a Lesbian. I feel so amazing now. I am not afraid to hide this anymore. Its going to be hard for people to comprehend that I am gay because of how I’m seen as a guy magnet but i really would just say, it was cheaper and quicker than buying a toy. I feel that is how every man i’ve slept with is. A replacement for goin to the porn shop and getting a toy. I have slept with women on this journey as well. But i was still trying to be the perfect person in the eyes of my parents. They now are accepting that I like girls and i’m at the point in my life where decisions like this aren’t foolish. I am an adult making my life choices. I have never felt more confident or happy. its been 5 years but i’m back. I was astray from the path of happiness. I went down the path of lets play pretend. I am out and proud yet again