TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #48

Jan
2010

Hot:

Name: Sue
Age: 39
Location: Cental Indiana

Well, to start from the beginning of it all. I was in a relationship with a girl named Betty, ultimately she let her ex mess up our relationship and we broke up, we had dated for about 31/2 months. I had no intention of finding anyone after my break up with Betty, and then I came across Jo. She swept me off my feet, I was totally taken away by her. I laid out all my feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams, I was an open book, she knew who I was warts and all. She would talk about making a 4th room so my son had a room in her home, she talked about a joint checking acct., when I was in the ER she rushed to be there and asked were her “wife” was. I really thought that I had a future with her. Then one day, I just had a bad feeling in my gut, so I pressed her to tell me what was wrong, she broke up with me over the phone. I pressed her to tell me if she was with her ex, and she said no, but a few days later she did say that she was trying to get back with her. I was totally heart broken.

This blind-sided me. We only had dated 5 months, but I really felt I loved her. Now I just feel used by her. I asked her why she lead me on for a month and 1/2, and she said she didnt want to hurt me, it was her not me, blah, blah, blah, and that she tried everything to make it work. My come back to her was, no you didn’t try everything, you didn’t talk to me first. I asked her why she talked about the things she did if she was not serious and she said she was thinking out loud and just talking about stuff. I feel that it was a game to her, and I wonder if she used me until her ex (who stole from her, lied and cheated on her with another woman, and used drugs in her house) got her act together enough. I wonder if she really cared or if she misses me, and I wonder why I can’t still let her go, and why it means anything to me that she still does care.

It’s been 2 months since the break up, the texting and calling has stopped, and the emails are nothing more than the neat and/or funny ones that people forward and those are far and few between. But in the middle of me yelling at her when she broke up with me, she said “I can’t give you 100% and I don’t know if I ever could, you need someone that can do that”. Now comes the added twist, Betty did keep in contact with me and we tried to be friends. But when Jo said what she did about 100%, I did think of Betty. She and I are dating again and she is very serious about making this work this time and wants to marry me. So why can’t I let go of Jo? She is a firefighter/EMT, and every time I see anything related to her profession I just feel hate and hurt.

I need to move on, she obviously has, she walked away and hasn’t looked back, why can’t I do this? The last time I saw her, I could barely look her in the eye, I gave her what little I had of hers and she gave me my things, but she just kept pulling it out bit by bit out of her car, like she was trying to prolong it, she could have easily put it all in one bag as I had done. She had also forgotten 1 thing that I stated over and over that I wanted back, I did ask her where it was and she said she could get that to me later, I told her keep it, that I’d get another copy, ironically it was a book called “Permanent Partners”. Prior to meeting her, I stated over and over I want to meet and get my stuff, after we met she emailed me and said she didn’t know why I wanted to meet and thought I wanted something else. I told her I thought I made it clear, but that all I wanted was to get my things, and that I tried my level best to not cry or get mad. She said I didn’t seem very chatty, I didn’t respond to that, but what the hell was I supposed to be? You broke my heart you dumb *&%$!!! and you dumped me, me who had done no wrong to you, for your ex that put you through hell, and you want me to be chatty? WTF!!!

I need to let her go and I don’t know why I can’t, I can’t give myself 100% to Betty or any relationship until I do, and need and want to move on, why the hell can’t I?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Sue,
1. You dated Betty for 3-1/2 months. Then you broke up because it wasn’t working. That’s called dating and discovering you aren’t compatible (which is what dating is for).
2. You meet Jo and are ready to move both yourself and your child in before you’ve dated even five months. She’s not that into you which she told you in many ways. You can imagine that somehow dragging her things out of the car slowly meant something more, but it probably didn’t. You broke up. Because she isn’t ready and you aren’t the one.
3. Now, you pine for Jo and are dating Betty again. Poor Betty – not giving her your full attention. And, why will it work with Betty this time and it didn’t last time?
Here’s what I’d do to get over Jo. Contrary to lesbian myth, you DO NOT have to be friends with your ex-girlfriend. Stop talking to her. Don’t email her (no forwards, no chit-chat). If you can’t completely focus on Betty while you’re dating her, tell her that and let her move on to someone who will. There is no sin in being alone. And, maybe that might be a good idea so you can focus on what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. And, most of all, realize that the dating period is intended to evolve so that you can see each other’s compatibilities. To see if you have anything going on for you as a couple beyond the hot sex and limerence portion of the program.
Sorry to be so blunt; I know you’re hurting. Be better to yourself by accepting only someone who is as into you as you are into her – and give it some time. I struggle with all this myself with every relationship that doesn’t work out. But, I know that somewhere out there is someone who will be a more permanent kind of match and we will be the someone we were looking for in a much more longer-lasting way.
Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Sue-
Sounds like you got some heavy stuff going on. My advice for your own sanity, as well as Betty’s, is to take some time to yourself. Let Betty know you have to figure some things out for yourself before you can enter a serious relationship with ANYONE. I mean it. Otherwise, it seems to me like you’re going to continue in this vicious cycle, jumping from ex to ex, continuing to feel anger and frustration with Jo. Also, please pleas please look into some therapy. Many community centers (and LGBT centers) have free or low cost therapists. Treat yourself to getting some help to talk through this.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Sue,

Anytime that we know we should do something or stop doing something but we refuse, the culprit is nearly always fear in one form or another. Perhaps your afraid that letting go of Jo once and for all means that you have to acknowledge that the relationship is over. Maybe you think that makes you a failure (it doesn’t). It could be that your clinging to Jo is a way to avoid taking a chance on a new relationship. Perhaps you are avoiding dealing with the feelings of loss that ending a relationship entails.

Typically, when we cling to an unhealthy relationship, there is some sort of payoff emotionally. What is the payoff for you? Only you have the real answer.

One thing to be aware of is that we are drawn to people who reflect back to us our sense of self-worth. If you think you’re not worth loving, you will attract people who will treat you badly (like cheating). Unless you change how you see yourself, you will continue to have similar relationships that end badly. As you learn to love yourself, you will begin to attract people that will honor you and bring out the best in you. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Love is like magic, sometimes it’s like black magic. Isn’t it amazing how we think we have our shit together and then the love stuff flips everything upside down. Sometimes we make it out the other side with the person we started with, many times we don’t. But focusing on what you can’t have is an all too easy way to stay safe. Especially while you’re with someone else as a “buffer”. Shame on you for that. Would you want someone to “half” be with you?

You need to be single. What you don’t need is to keep on filling the void that is Jo. Because really, I’m betting the void is a Hell of a lot deeper than Jo, or Betty, or anyone else for that matter. I think it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and say, “screw the games”. Discover for yourself that you deserve to be loved all the way, not half the way. Go out, meet new people. Create a friendship before an intimate relationship. But my best advice it to let Jo go, Betty too. Sometimes even the hope of love just isn’t enough.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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