TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #49

Jan
2010

Hot:

Name: Vicky
Age: 17
Location: Cyprus

Hey TLL. Im Vics! I would really like to apologize coz im crap at startin letters, i always seem to block, and i dont know what to write! so I’ll just get to the point and hope you guys can help me!!!
Right, erm basically im 17 and a half, still live with my mum and stepdad! I knew im gay all my life, never questioned it, and have been always been proud and more than happy about it! And to be completely truthful you can pretty much see im gay!! Not that i dress like a dude or anything, its just that, you know, sometimes its just obvious!!

Anyway my mom, either blind or in denial never thought of me as a lesbian, i did manage however to pass my gf as my bestfriend to her, n even take her to a gay club,seemingly my mom’s very open minded, but.

Anyway, my mom, as i said is pretty open minded at times. Though once i asked her whats her opinion about gay people she gave me the classic line “I have nothing against homosexuals, as far as my child isnt one”..well haha turns out her second child is.

Im graduating this year,so that means i’ll be finally able to leave from my stepdads house, however i do wanna go to university. And the money for my educations are being provided by my mom..Me and gf of nearly 2 years want to live open after i graduate, and i want to tell my mom the truth so the lying and hiding can stop once and for all. Though is it a good idea to come out to my mom while my higher education depends on her??? I don’t know what her reaction may be. I doubt she’ll take it very calmly as she tends to get very angry. Doing and saying stuff without thinking them over first. (later she regrets).But really i dont know, i wouldnt give a damn if it wasnt for my education i would’ve told her the minute im 18 but it is very important for me to go to university so…Should i tell her or just live the next 6-7 years of my life in the closet as i’ve done so far!

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Vicky,

You’ve got your hands full. If I were your mother, I would accept your orientation and still love you the same. But, if I lived in Cyprus, I would worry greatly for both your safety and your future. Even though the Cypriots have loosened up their human rights policies in order to become part of the EU, the vast majority of Cypriots are not in favor of gays, gay rights, or equal protections. That means you will probably have to be willing to remain somewhat closeted in some aspects of your life at some point (in order to get a job or keep one) or come out blazing out and take some possibly significant risks.

As a mother, I would have pause to pay for your education if you chose to come out and live with your lover. But, this would be about your age and not your sexuality. Sorry, I’m like that. If you are grown up enough to want all the rights and responsibilities of adulthood, you can get a job and pay your tuition. And, your mother isn’t stupid – she has eyes in the back of her head, didn’t she tell you? So, the bottom line is if you want to have your tuition paid and think it won’t be if you come out to her officially, don’t do it. You’ll find as an adult, these major choices confront us frequently and sometimes we have to put the wise choice ahead of the choice our heart would make.

Rarely in life do we get to do things completely the way we want. We compromise and adjust continually. It’s a world full of different people and beliefs. And, you cannot control any of them. All you can do is decide whether you are willing to deal with the fallout of making choices that go against the grain.
Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Vicky -

This is always a tough situation. Is there any way you can look into getting some grants/scholarships/financial aid to help you with university?

If not, it comes down to what you think about your mother and what she’s going to do. Do you think you’ll be able to talk to her, explain your thoughts, and that it will be eventually ok, and she’ll be accepting? Or do you think that she will not keep and open mind? If you think you’ll be able to really talk to her about your concerns, and that it’ll all turn out ok, then I say go for it. Otherwise, you need to decide what is more important to you; living your life the way you want to/coming out, or going to university now, with your mother paying for it. Difficult? Yes, and I wish you the best of luck.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Vicky,

Only you can decide when and to whom you come out. One thing I’ve learned is that people will often surprise you. My parents were in their 40s when I came out of the closet and they rejected me totally. On the other hand, my in-laws were in their 80s when my wife came out and, after a brief period of confusion, came to accept both my wife and me as a couple.
In coming out, you risk not having your mother pay your college tuition. And a college education is important. At the same time, you risk further alienating your mother when she finds out she was the last to know. And then there is the question; is it right to lie to someone in order to get money from them? That’s a question you must answer for yourself. No one can make your decision for you, unless of course, someone else outs you to her.
I know that seems like a non-answer, but it is a dilemma many of us face and really only we can decide what’s the right move. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Vicky,

What can you live with? Can you live with staying in the closet in exchange for a paid education? Life is full of sacrifices… is this one you’re willing to make?

I’m a bit torn here because being true to yourself is important, but so is an education. If your Mother doesn’t accept you it will be easier for you to go out on your own, get a good job, and take care of yourself with a proper education.

Or, do you stay true to yourself, tell your Mom and do what you have to do to put yourself through university despite her reaction?

This is a tough spot to be in and I don’t envy you at all. My gut feeling is to tell you to do what you have to do in order to go to school. It will make your future all the more easier. In your email you sound like a strong person so I don’t doubt that you’ll make the right decision for you.

Please keep us posted.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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