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I would like to take this time to thank all the wonderful women that answer the questions sent into the TLL Advice Panel. As we answer our 50th question even more continue to come in.  I hope that this means the readers trust our advice and that we are doing our best to provide a safe space to address the issues of all that write in. To Lori, Shanna, Tina, and Dharma… thank you all so much for continuing to support and help those that write into us. The time and effort you spend is never over looked, and I am honored to be a part of this with all of you. I like to hope that we have touched some lives and helped as best we could. Here’s to being part of the next 50 emails!

And to all of you who have written in. Thank you for your trust, your honesty, and your ability to share your stories. Your strength doesn’t go unnoticed.

Name: Steph
Age: 47
Location: deep south (not by choice)

My partner and I met through our kids who are dating, her son is 16 my daughter is 15, at the time that we met I was separated and she was still in a marriage which she has since left. For years she struggled with her sexuality, she was a product of “conversion therapy” years ago with her partner at the time and went into a marriage because she thought “god” wanted her to be with a man. When we met I knew she was gay but she was married, she has no idea that I was also struggling but we felt this connection.

After months of friendship through the kids we discussed the possibility dating, she at this time decided to end her long term marriage both telling her husband and kids of her “gayness”…her family was so not supportive saying that it is not morally right. Her husband of 20 years was also gay in his past but since he found “god” he has been changed, really I ask? My children on the other hand have been raised to know that all people are created equal and had very little problems with me expressing my preference for women over their dad, they saw a marriage that was not working and we ended it letting the kids know they are loved by both of their parents.

The issue now comes from our kids who are still dating. My daughter who appears not to have any issues with being gay seems to be influenced by her boyfriend who is being raised by a homophobic, god fearing man who I believe tells his children how “bad” his mother is for being gay….she feels that I did not take into consideration her feelings and her relationship when I entered mine with her boyfriend’s mother, who is now divorced. I told my daughter that people meet all the time through means like their children and if it was a divorced man and a divorced woman people would see it as “sweet” but since it is a divorced woman and a divorced woman it is seen as wrong, hell look at the Brady Bunch!

My daughter keeps reciting how I ruined her relationship and how her boyfriend is so very uncomfortable around me. My partners kids are acting so negative and I feel that they are “pimping” my kids to act out as well. I try and tell my daughter that our relationships are separate but this is to no avail? How can I help them understand that I am finally in a relationship that works for me and I want it to work for them as well? Is it so weird, wrong, crazy that we met through our kids? I know divorce is difficult, and having gay parents after being in a “hetro” relationship is different but have we screwed up our kids?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Steph,

Wow, this sounds complicated.  What I’m not hearing is how your partner feels about all of this.  It’s not crazy you met through your kids and your kids aren’t going to be screwed up because you are gay.  What screws kids up is when divorcing parents don’t handle these things well.  Thing is, the bad influence is not your ex, which you could do something about.  The bottom line is that the god-fearing father needs someone to tell him that what his ex-wife does is not his business and that discussing his ex-wife in any way is harming his children.  I recommend she consult an attorney about a mediation process.  In most states, there is some sort of mechanism in the family courts for settling post-divorce disputes such as this.  I would also consider getting the children in family counseling with a gay-friendly counselor.  However, if the children are heavily indoctrinated into the religion, that may meet with some resistance.  You also don’t mention who has primary custody of the children.

Second of all, all of you should have had some idea that this would be different for the kids.  ANY relationship post-divorce is hard on the kids.  They still think somewhere in the backs of their minds that their parents will reunite – they can’t help it.  Trying to reason with a teenager over why you deserve a relationship?  What?  Sounds to me like the boy is choosing to believe his father’s diatribes over choosing your daughter.  You know perfectly well your daughter will have other relationships and that by the very nature of you being the mother, she will blame you for just about everything, including why her face broke out in pimples.  Plus, you may even have an added layer of anger in the mix from god-fearing man who is probably having a hard time confronting that his ex-wife is living a gay life when he has fought so hard to avoid his own truth.

Attorney.  Counseling.  And, possibly some prayer (not that that’s a bad thing).  All I think will be necessary to straighten this out and even with that, the outcome may not be what you hope.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

I put forth this concept; perhaps their problem is that their parents are ALSO dating, and has not so much to do with the lesbian thing. I mean, kids often have issues when their divorced/widowed parents decide to date each other, just like parents have issues when their kids/step-kids decide to date each other.  I mean, it even happened in the Babysitter’s Club.  I think the best plan of action is a) ask your daughter what it is that makes her uncomfortable, b) talk with your partner about how you’re going to handle having your daughter/step-son (her son/step-daughter dating), and c) honestly, PLEASE go get some family counseling. It really sounds like it could help everyone out.  Just remember, the kids in the Brady Bunch had their own issues, plus that was decades and decades ago.

Good luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Steph,

Wow! Sounds like a Lifetime Network Movie! But let’s see if we can’t pick this apart a little bit to gain a bit of clarity. We have your daughter’s relationship with her homophobic boyfriend. We have your relationship with your girlfriend (who is also mother to your daughter’s boyfriend). And we have your relationship with your daughter.
Let’s that with your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. If you weren’t dating the boyfriend’s mother, and you found out that your daughter’s boyfriend was filling your daughter with homophobic ideas, how would you respond? Would you allow the relationship to continue? What if the boyfriend were a racist? If it were me (and in the interest of disclosure I am NOT a parent so it’s easy for me to say), I would tell my daughter she’s not allowed to date someone who is prejudiced. It is a reasonable boundary to set and one which she will be angry about. But she will get over it, I imagine. You have to decide what’s best for your daughter.
Then we have your relationship with your girlfriend. Being a single parent and dating is difficult. We have to take into account not only how the relationship affects us, but how the relationship affects our kids. You may find yourself having to choose between a lover and your kids. Whose needs and feelings are most important to you? If you tell your daughter she can’t date her boyfriend (again, that’s your decision to make), then continuing your relationship with the boyfriend’s mother will be increasingly ugly. That’s one blended family that won’t blend very well. I am curious what your girlfriend has to say about her son’s homophobia and what she has done about it.
Personally, I believe that a parent’s relationship with her/his kids should trump all other relationships. But you have to decide what’s most important for you. Sure, homophobia can be overcome, but it’s a slow process and only happens when a person is willing to change. Ask yourself what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your family. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Steph,

You’re daughter is 15. You could be in the most god fearing relationship in the world and I’m sure she would find something to blame you for. I attribute it to a teenager thing. One that will pass with time, especially if you continue to let her know that all you want is to to be happy. The same way all you want is for her to be happy. She’s upset because she feels like your relationship ruined hers. My money is on her thanking you for that a few years down the road.

I can’t say that I envy the position you’re in. But I can tell you that I feel like it’s one where keeping communication going and being open and honest will make or break you. Kids are resilient. Your daughter will have to decide for herself how she feels and all you can do is be there to support her. Things will get better. And as your daughter gets older she will grow to see that life is too short to forsake love. We have to allow ourselves to feel it whenever we get a chance.

I wish you luck,

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

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