Name: TLL Reader
Age: 33
Location: BC, Canada

I am 33, in a (failing) common-law relationship after a failed marriage.

I have identified as queer (without having the words) since puberty and am pretty damn sure I’m a lesbian. I have never known a lesbian (that I was aware of). Thus, most of my connection to and understanding of my lesbian identity comes from the internet.

However, there seems to be serious animosity towards “fakers,” “bisexual,” “lez-for-a-day,” etc. I look like a femme and I am from two long-term hetero relationships. How do I even enter the lesbian community let alone navigate it under these circumstances?

Shall I carry a curriculum-vitae of my sexuality? Will anybody ask me why I believe I am a lesbian? Will they believe me when I tell them? Should I tell them? Will I remain an untouchable? Am I too late to get it right?

I have no hidden motivation. I am not a liar. I tend to get confrontational when accused of either. I really am just scared and alone and feel like the one community that can lead me to embrace my life finally be happy is a gated one.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Jennifer,

Funny, I wrote a piece about this on my blog a long time ago http://hahnathome.com/?p=656 .  There will be those who are skeptical.  There will be those who are not.  More and more women are coming out later and life and really, most people get that there are a whole lot of cultural and family reasons we don’t come out sooner.  Some of us aren’t even self-aware enough to think about what we are we are so caught up in doing what everyone else is doing until much later.  But, Hon, there will always be judgment – from straights and gays – people are just like that sometimes.
So, you’re here.  Welcome.  Move to the line on the right to claim your Lesbian card and commemorative rainbow sticker for your car.  And, if you are anywhere near Vancouver, I recommend you get involved with your GLBT center http://www.qmunity.ca/adults/coming-out-groups/.  They have a number of other resources as well.  But, finding a group of like-minded, also scared and wanting to embrace life comadres in a coming out group – even if you aren’t a “joiner” – may be of big help to you.  Because you are not alone.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Jennifer-

You never have to prove anything to anyone. Sadly, there sometimes is some hatred towards bi-women. I personally don’t like the concept of “gold star” or “five star” lesbian, because it indicates there is a right way to be queer, or at least a better way.  There is no right way to be queer.  If you identify as a queer, or a lesbian, that is good enough.  As a femme, often times I get read as straight, and I used to always wear a rainbow, and always drop hints about my girlfriend this, or my ex “she said” etc. You can read my take on Femme Invisibility here: http://essin-em.com/2009/11/femme-invisibility/.

Long story short; you will find people that accept you, regardless.  Don’t ever feel like you have to be accountable to anyone that challenges you on your queerness.

Best of luck, and congrats on coming out,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jennifer,

Don’t let the more militant of our lesbian ranks throw you off. And don’t worry so much about labels whether as lesbian or bisexual. Just focus on what feels right to you.

A lot of lesbians, myself included, have had relationships with men. Some of us have been married to men. The best thing you can do is get involved in the community. I don’t know where in BC you live, but I imagine there are some lively lesbian communities in most of the major cities. And don’t just hang out in the bars. Bars are not the best place to meet people. Get involved with a political organization or a local support group or lesbian social club. I live in Arizona, which is a rather conservative state, and we have all kinds of LGBT groups. There are gay bowling leagues and hiking clubs and softball groups.

And don’t be on the hunt for a girlfriend. The best way to find a healthy relationship is when you’re not looking for one. Just get to know people and more importantly, get to know yourself. Have fun! Find your favorite lesbian movie (my favorite is “Better than Chocolate” which is from Canada, no less). Learn about gay culture and history in Canada. Check out a bunch of gay/lesbian blogs and podcasts and subscribe to your favorite ones. And along this journey of self-discovery, some lucky young woman is bound to say, “Hey Jennifer, let’s go out some time.”

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Jennifer,

I like to think that everyone’s coming out story is different. The great thing about humans is that none of us are the same. Some of us knew when we were 5 that we liked the same sex, others don’t realize it until 45.

Personally I knew when I was 5, but didn’t get into the full blown lesbian world until I was about 24. That was eight years ago and for me it was overrated.

Initially I jumped in feet first. I started an online organization in my state that got up to about 1000 members. I went to all the gay bars, held fund raisers, watched all the prerequisted lesbian movies. Immersed myself in lesbian everything. Funny thing…. in the end it just wasn’t me.

Yes I’m a lesbian. But I’ve found that all that really means is that I love women. After a few years of living within my community I found myself not really having a home. I learned that once those gates were open it really wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and I had to find my own path rainbow bricks or not.

Women are amazing. They can also judge. And many, do what they have to do to protect their hearts from breaking.  If someone does judge you they are not someone you would want in your life. Online is a good way to meet people, but it can also be rather daunting. You will need to put yourself out there if you want to meet people. I would stay open and honest. Everyone has a story and yours is just as relevant as the next persons.

Jump in, the waters fine!

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.