Name: Mads
Age: 23
Location: N/A

Heya,

Let’s start with background information, then current situation and lastly my question to you.

1. Background:

I come from a very conservative family. We traveled a lot through Africa when I was growing up and my family and I especially my brother and I never had the same experiences as other kids our age did, we traveled a lot, we did not normally have friends of our own age or have the normal go to school and do sports and things, we were home schooled as that was easier, thus it leads to the fact that we had almost no influence from the “western” or “modern” world growing up, we lived a very sheltered life you could almost say, but my parents too, as they never had to worry so much about us when we were growing up, we could never really get into trouble and the chances of us doing drugs and drinking and sex was never really likely, like so many other parents have to come to terms with. All of this adds to the fact that our family was a bit more conservative than the norm of most conservative families.

If I think back on my life I can probably remember form as young an age as 5 or 6 that I was different, different to the other girls and guys my age, but especially the girls. I never knew what it meant and I never really dwelled on it either.

I likes sports a lot and I loved to play all the games that boys generally do, I used to act like them and dress like them and everything else as well, I did not have many “girl friends” and that didn’t help either. The ones that where around were older than me in a sense of age but also emotionally and sexually as girls I suppose, I knew I was a girl, and I liked being one, but I was one of the GUYS, if you know what I mean? My mom and I where never close when I was a kid, daddy’s little girl I suppose I would rather go fishing and biking that play dress up or have bardies and make-up.

When I was 13 we met friends of ours, a brother and sister from Germany who also was traveling with their dad while he worked in Africa. We became friends and the best part was they where our age. My brother was 12, the other girl was my age and her brother was 11. The boy was charming and great and we all got along, him and I cursed on each other for a while and we went “steady” for a while, was my first kiss, and i figured out that I really like kissing hehe. It’s only dawned on me now after I know that I’m gay that I actually wanted to kiss his sister more, oops. But I never met a gay person in my life at that stage and when I was growing up there were also not a lot of the “gay” lifestyle on TV, I had no idea that something like that existed or was possible. My parents only spend time with friends and family that they knew for years, and none where gay, so they never spoke to us about things like that either, they were never discriminating, ever, but I was just not the norm.

Then when I was 16 we moved back to civilization and into the biggest city I have ever lived in. my brother chose to go to high school and I decided that since I only had 2 years left that it would be best to stay home schooled so that I did not have to deal with too many adjustments and deal with all the other crap that went on in school, I had my friends when I did have workshops and exams to go to and I was happy – I also did not want to waste my parents money on only 2 years of school left, not that money was a problem but I always felt that they deserved us to be considerate and have their interests at heart. I also was not naïve, I’d heard the stories and seen the movies about the kids that pressure you do stuff and be a certain someone to them, and I have never fit into that category, I’ve been independent form a young age and chose to be with people or allow people in my life that would accept me for who I was, the good and the bad.

I was very introverted when I was younger and for the first year I never went out, did not make any new friend, I just chose to focus on my schooling and my dogs and the “home life”. That I believe was a very good thing for me, I got to grow up and figure out who I was way before most of the other kids at my age. I think if I had not live the way I did but grew up like normal kids then I would have turned out to be a different person as I know I would have made different choices, I knew the difference between right and wrong and always did only what I wanted or was comfortable with. People didn’t like it then that was the end of it.

After we lived in civilization for a year or so, I did start making new friends, and went to parties and other “normal” stuff, and I came out of my shell, I knew who I was and what I wanted to do by then, but now I was letting my hair loose and having fun…BONUS!

I realized after one said party, when we played a game of truth or dare and I had to kiss a girl or she me, that I loved it, I knew I liked kissing, and had done so with many boys after they realized that I wasn’t actually one of the “GUYS” but I never went further than that, never felt right and never really wanted to, but kissing that girl really opened my eyes, I felt things that I knew were different and it was just so nice, never forget my first kiss but in so many ways that was my first kiss. That was also the same time that my mom and her hair dresser started a business together and became friends. All of a sudden we had gay people at our house, and I was slowly but surely getting more and more interested in the idea, but yet didn’t know exactly why.

I went out with him a couple of times and we clicked and had loads of fun, we painted the town almost every week and then I stared to notice girls and girls notice me, I never had the guts to speak to him about it, he was a great guy and a good friend but I was worried that he would tell my mom or something, by then of course I knew about being gay and that some families just don’t tolerate it and all the other crap, I wasn’t scared, but uncertain rather, cos I still didn’t know what it all meant to me, was I gay, was I curious, I was so confused. So I started going out with other friends and meet other gay people and then my best friend who I had met that year, who went to school with my bro, introduced me to her sister in law.

I fell head over heels in love, I used to think about her every second of every day, we took things slow, she was 10 years older than me, but oh so gorgeous and great. She was very insecure and a player at that. I knew but I didn’t care, I just wanted to figure out what I was feeling. She screwed with me emotionally and after a few weeks we kinda broke up. It took me 6months or something to get over her cos every time she wasn’t with someone she would pull me back into her web or if it seemed that I was interested in someone she would then suddenly want me back. For a while I didn’t realize what she was doing but eventually I just let it stop, we still remain good friends and I see her ever so often, but even though she was my 1st love, I suppose I’ll always have a soft spot for her, but I don’t think that she could make me happy.

After I met my current gf, I decided that I didn’t want to sneak around anymore and eventually told my parents I was gay. I was sure and they still love and support me to this day. They have truly been great, I know they don’t understand and would ultimately want a different lifestyle for me but they respect and love me enough to want me to be happy, no matter how they feel about it.

We haven’t spoken about it since the night I told them, but they treat me and my friends and partner with love and respect but I know that they are still in denial and have some issues towards it; I don’t resent or blame them for it.

I can only imagine what a shock it must be when your kid tells you that they are gay, most parents I suppose go though the same emotions and feelings like what did I do wrong or how can this happen to us, and I know that with most of them are scared and uncertain, you hear all these stories of how people are discriminated against because they are gay and some even killed, ultimately a parent wants the best for their child, wants to protect them and give them all the good of the world, and I imagine that they also can’t understand why their kid would intentionally do something to make life more testing and more difficult with all that comes with being gay.
2. Current situation:

I’ve only been out for about 5 years now and the people in my life when it comes to friends and family have been great, I’ve never had anyone diss me because I live a different lifestyle and all the “bad seeds” in my life disappeared from my life when I did come out!

There is also some issue as my parents has had a lot of trouble with my bro in the last 5 years, he started doing drugs, dropped out of school, stole from and even assaulted some people, he’s a very angry boy. This leads to them feeling like “what have they done wrong” that both of their kids have turned out differently to what they envisioned. I imagine they feel like they have failed and that they deserve better, I know they love us both and that they are proud of me and at times of my bro, but I know that they are hurting big time.

Sometimes I feel like they will never really be able to accept who I am and be content and happy about it, even though I know that they love and support me so much and no matter what. they will always feel that they wanted something different for me and of me like the wedding and the kids and success and the rest that parents want for their kids (I know it’s still possible to have all that but to them I suppose it will never be the same), ultimately an easier and better life than they had had in some ways, never feel heartbreak or sorrow or get hurt. It’s a struggle but I love them and am so grateful that they are still in my life. I could not have asked for better parents.
My mom and I have been repairing our damaged relationship over the years, we get along so much better, I’m not ready to call her up in the middle of the night and talk for hours and discuss my problems with her, that will take more time, but we will get there eventually.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or the fact that I am gay, I love my family and friends and I know they will be there no matter what cos they have already been there for me in a difficult time. it’s easier to meet new people and start new friendships in a way, that it is to maintain old ones, the new people only know what and who you are now and if that appeals to both parties then here we go, but with old friends, to go through a transition like coming out, does take time and acceptance, they see you in a different light ultimately and some things do change with some people, cos they, as your parents, also saw you and wanted different things than what you want now. But it’s all good right now and I am so happy!!

As I said I’m out and proud and I love it! I prefer it and I’ve never hid it or tried to be someone I’m not, but I want to make things as easy as possible for my parents, my gf stays over and sleeps in my bed when we go and visit, same with her parents, and we are affectionate in front of my parents – obviously we don’t jump each other’s bones, but we’re and they are comfortable with my relationships and friends. As are her parents.
My gf and I have been together almost 3 years now; she is 4 years older than me.

We had a bit of a disagreement the other day due to the fact that she wants to get engaged and married and the fact that I’m not ready for that step right now and she had a emotional rollercoaster worrying about the fact that I might not ever be ready for such a step.

I love her with all my heart –Yes there are times that I wanna kill her and she me, but we fit good together and we can make it if we stick together. We share so much of each other and our lives and we generally have happy and ecstatic and great times that make life worth living.

This is also my first long term relationship and it has been trying at the best of times, but great in the long run, I would not change a thing.

I feel that I am still too young to marry, not because I don’t love her, I just don’t feel ready. The reasons for that are:

The fact that I am only 23, it’s not that I’m afraid to commit and that I don’t wanna spend my life with her, I’m also not uncertain that she is the one for me, we’ve been to heaven and hell together and we’re still here and happy and growing. I guess I have mixed emotions about it:

• In some cases I feel that a piece of paper won’t make a difference to our relationship and if it’s working then why rock the boat?
• I feel that it might change the dynamics of our relationship for either good or bad. And I don’t want to risk it.
• I don’t want to do anything that I’m not 100% certain of.
• I’m not sure that my parents would be able to live with it, I’m not trying to be a different person but I respect them so much and their feelings matter to me, we are working hard to build relationship with each other and be a stronger family, and I want them to be a part of my family, I’ve never let them run my life or tell me how to live it and I won’t start it now, we’ve never spoken about it, but I know them quite well and I have spoken to some of their friends, and I know that this, a marriage right now or at least in the next 3-5 years will affect them. It’s taken them a long time to be happy for me and to see that I am actually happy.
• I feel that as my gf is older she might be more ready to settle down and tie the knot than I am right now because she has had more life experience than I have.
• I’m still asserting myself in the world and I’m trying to build a career and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life in the specific aspect of a career and I feel that until I have done that my gf and I will never be on equal footing as she has found her calling or the thing that makes her happy and is doing it, and doing it brilliantly.

Also and the majority of my mixed emotions goes to the following aspect – as far back as I can remember I have never wanted to get married, I want children yea, well actually one and I hope it will be a boy, and I know my parents will get used to that and love the lil guy, but for me personally I have never wanted to or entertained the aspect of marriage for myself. It’s just not something that I wanted to do.

My gf and I spoke about this and she told me that she want to be married, obviously I might feel different about it later, I won’t do anything to please her if I’m not comfortable with it or if I don’t want it in the same way she does, but I know that this will become a problem eventually.

It’s kind of stressful for me, I just know I’m not ready right now and I feel like she can’t understand that. both our parents have been married more than 25 years and I think she feels it would signify the love we have for each other, but I don’t feel like that.

3. Question to you –

How do I talk to, or explain to my gf what I’m feeling and what I’m going through as to why my reasons are for the fact that I don’t want to get married now? Or soon at least if ever, when I’m ready or not. I explained to her as I did you but she just feels that I’m afraid to commit or that I don’t love her enough or the same way that she loves me to take the plunge.

Thanks so much.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Though your story was the most detailed one we’ve ever received, your question is quite simple.  I’m going to give you a couple of my thoughts.  On the one hand you don’t want to commit on the same level as your girlfriend because you don’t have enough life experience.  That tells me this – while you do love her and cherish your relationship, you don’t want to lose your “easy out” option – that being a potential exit without the problems associated with dissolution or divorce (since I don’t know where you’re from – and I sense it’s not the US, I have no idea what the legal “marriage” situation is where you are).

I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  You are 23 and statistically, it’s been proven time and again early marriage – straight or gay – is less likely to last.  While you may feel like a fully-formed person, you still have some growing to do as did any of us who were once your age and thought we were.  People change and you will.

As to marriage – well, I am for the institution, despite its many detractors.  A legally recognized marriage provides legal and civil protections for your spouse and children that can’t be found in any other familial relationship.  I for one would want my partner to have that protection if I were ready to make such a commitment.

Don’t equivocate with your girlfriend.  Be honest.  And with that truth may come her decision to move on to someone who is willing to commit at the level she would like.  She may not.  But, there’s certainly no hurry and doing so because she insists you do would be a disastrous mistake.

As to your parents – you say you are comfortable with yourself but I think perhaps that’s not entirely true.  Messages are sent to us all from Day 1 that homosexuality is something “less than.”  The fact you worry so much about your parents disappointment in who you aren’t tells me that you aren’t ready for that trip down the altar anyway.  We give up that need actually requiring parental approval before we execute a decision when we put on our big girl pants.  You can love them but it is ultimately your life.  Their disappointments are their problem, not yours.  You can send them to FamilyAcceptance.org and I recommend you do – it provides thousands of parents some of the answers to the very questions you feel they are asking themselves.

I wish you a lot of luck and check back in with us, will you?

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Mads,

All you can do is tell her your truth, giving her your honest reasons why you’re not ready for that step. You can’t make her believe you. It’s up to her to decide what she wants to believe and how to respond to the situation. I know that can be frustrating, but it’s the reality of the situation. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Mads,

Unfortunately, this is a tough situation because, well, how romantic is THAT when someone says they want to marry you to hear “I’m just not ready”.  Ya know?

I think you need to be sure, though, that your “not being ready” is really about you or whether or not your parents are ready to be invited to their daughter’s big ole gay wedding.

Be sure that whatever you do, you are doing because of what YOU feel… not your partner and not your parents.

I agree that 23 is young and you could take more time.  Reminder her that at your age she wasn’t married either and that she was doing ________________ (fill in with whatever fun, hot, young things 23 year olds do that I didn’t do. LOL)

Either way be honest with her.  And yourself.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Mads,

How do you talk to her? You simply talk to her. One of the back bones of any relationship should be communication, another one of those bones should be honesty. If she’s not willing to wait for a time when you’re ready does that mean she doesn’t love you as much? I’m not suggesting you flip things around on her, but I am saying that both parties should be 100% positive of where they stand with the notion of marriage gets thrown around. You want to avoid jumping the gun at all costs.

I would sit her down and pour out your soul. As long as you’re being honest with her and with yourself you can’t really say anything wrong. If she loves you she will wait until you’re ready.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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