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Bordello is many things, but I’ll boil it down by saying: Bordello is a murder mystery porno with a plot. There’s sex, there’s murder, there are weapons and there is sleuthing. Pretty much my average Friday night. Just kidding. In all honesty, Bordello is really really ridiculously hot.

Intro: Madame and Servant. I don’t want to give away the twist at the end (and oh, what a twist!) but I’m going to touch on some of the best parts. The intro scene with April Flores and Billy Castro that is all kinds of hot. What exactly is it that makes it so awesome (in my eyes)? The dirty talk, April Flores’ voluptuous curves and perfectly matched hair and peep toe pumps, Billy Castro’s everything, the quality sex equipment, and the delicious (velvet?) sofa. Yeah, sometimes the scenery gets me going. So what if I like decor?

Part One: the tricks and the whores. This part is a montage, wherein Sophia St. James and Carson (one of my favorites from Seven Minutes in Heaven) go at it, Jolene Parton and Akira retreat to an arm chair by the window, and Tina Horn takes Vid Tuesday and James Darling off and tells them “You’re gonna do it to each other, and then you’re gonna do it to me. Any questions?” I think that’s probably my favorite part of this scene. In the extras, Tina says that she wanted to play on the male desire of seeing female presenting people together by portraying a female desire of seeing male presenting people together. I love this. I also love the way she protests going to investigate when the scream is heard down the hall. What happened? You’ll have to buy it and find out.

Part Two: the clues. The tricks and whores are sent off to find clues for the Madame. This part prompted me to tell Epiphora that “This movie is based around the premise that whores and johns are bad detectives. rofl. They do not care about finding clues. And everyone will destroy the evidence.” The part of me that watches CSI and Castle was dying inside, but the part of me that likes porn just LOVED it. The Gun is great scene, and I enjoyed it more than I imagined I would. Guns are dangerous, they’re phallic, and in this scene, James fellates the gun that Carson holds, thus fully linking the danger to sex. I see you cringing. I cringed too. But it’s actually an amazing scene.

The Dagger scene did less for me, because it’s a solo scene with Akira inserting a blunt dagger into her vagina, and then jerking off with a dildo. Partly my mind was screaming “Nooo, that’s sharp,” and partly I think I’m sort of bored by most solo scenes. Others may feel differently, however. Akira is gorgeous and it’s a good scene, but it’s just not my bag.

The Candlestick scene with Vid and Sophia is tied with The Gun for awesomeness. Anyone who’s a fan of wax play will go nuts for Sophia dripping hot wax on Vid, and then fucking him with the lit candle while she spanks him. The Rope scene takes place on a stairwell with Tina and Jolene playing with the rope, and a lot of Tina playing with Jolene. It was a really good scene, but my mind kept wandering and thinking about things like why there were hooks on the walls of the stairs.

Part Three: the mystery revealed. I’m not going to tell you just what was revealed, just that I was totally stoked that it was. The final scene was too short and featured Billy Castro and Sarah Lee Sinful fucking in another room. It had to be short to fit the film, and I was left wanting more of this scene when I discovered — the whole scene is included in bonus features. It was then that I discovered there is a God and s/he obviously wants us to be happy. Also, g-spots exist, because there is squirting.

Bordello is… so much more than meets the eye. It’s queer, it’s hot, it’s subversive, and it is freaking bad ass. If you’re looking for queer porn with a veritable salad of identities — transgender, genderqueer and cis-gender (and probably more) — and sexualities, then Bordello would be a good place to start the search.

Available from Courtney Trouble’s site, and from GoodVibes.com.

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