Name: Jean
Age: 39
Location: philippines

How to overcome a break up with a lesbian? my first personal lesbian relationship ended last november and i was shattered to learn that she already has a new gf…her bestfriend…who was her ex before. two relationships before me. she broke up with me saying that she cannot handle my being jealous of her bestfriend and i often think and ask what’s going on between them. i really got angry when i found out that all the while she was lying to me. they do have something going on really while we’re still together. she was my first and i am suffering coz she doesn’t even ask me or call me if im ok or still alive. i have suicidal thoughts…

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Jean,

It hurts to be betrayed.  It hurts to know we extended our heart and had it stomped on.  She is trying to manipulate you by blaming you when in fact, you did have reason for concern.  The lesbian world is vast and love is out there.  But, first, get healthy – please call the Philippines Suicide Prevention Hotline right this minute:  63.2.8937603 or e-mail intouch@i-manila.com.ph

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Jean -

Step one; find someone to talk to. If you’re feeling suicidal thoughts, that is your first step. Talk to a therapist, a friend, a counselor, a family member, etc. But talk to someone.

The first is always the hardest, whether your first woman, your first man, your first falling out with a best friend. Know that you WILL make it through.  Clearly, there may have been something going on, but on the other hand, maybe they had that tension/connection and didn’t even realize it until you were out of the picture.

Either way, it is time to move on.  Talk/write/sing/shout about your anger and your feelings, and then also think about the good and positive times you had, and what you’ve learned about yourself. Although it might seem like you’ll never heal from this, you will. You are strong. You’ll heal, and bounce back, and love yourself and love others.  Just give it time, and an outlet.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jean,

First off, no ex-girlfriend is worth dying over. So put all thoughts of suicide out of your mind. Not an option! I know how you feel because I’ve dated a few lousy cheaters myself. I am all too familiar with the anger, the feelings of betrayal, the hurt, all of it.

Here’s what you do. Pound the walls, scream until you’re hoarse, throw dishes on the floor. Just don’t hurt yourself. Deal? (And you better say yes, or I will personally fly out to the Philipines and kick your butt! — just kidding.)

I would strongly encourage you to find someone there you can share your feelings with. Perhaps a friend or a therapist. I have found journaling helps, too. Just get a blank notebook and write out whatever you’re feeling. Eventually the anger and depression will subside.

One thing that I have found helpful in such situations is to find a place to sit quietly, close my eyes, and repeat quietly to myself one of the following phrases:
I am willing to let go of this anger (or hurt or sadness or whatever you’re feeling)
I am willing to see things (myself, my ex-girlfriend, the situation) differently
I am willing to love myself unconditionally.
That last one is very powerful. Love conquers hate and hurt if we’re willing to let it flow within us.

If you can get a copy, you might try reading the book “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. It helped me through some of my darkest times. You might also want to learn about meitri meditation practice. It is a Buddhist practice, but you don’t have to be Buddhist to use it. It’s simply a tool to let go of negativity.

Hang in there, Jean. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Jean,

I really hate to hear about people feeling suicidal over lost love.  Especially since I know from personal experience that every person I thought I “couldn’t live without” it turned out I absolutely could.

It’s hard though, when you are in the thick of it and feel like your world is collapsing to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I would say that if you are feeling suicidal, find a therapist/psychiatrist ASAP.  You need to first address your suicidal thoughts.  Your safety is far more important right now than your feelings towards this woman.

As for her, well, it seems you were right not to trust her relationship with her ex/best friend as they are now seeing each other.  Sounds like you have great instincts.  The only thing you can do is consider it a lesson learned and try to move on from here.

But you definitely need to find a therapist to help you work through this.

Hang in there — we’ve all been there,  it WILL get better… I promise you that.

Truly,
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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