Name: Jackie
Age: 51
Location: Connecticut

My ex and I lived together for over 4 years and almost two weeks ago she comes to me and says we need to talk its over, I tried but there is no connection I gave her my all, was loyal, trustworthy, and encouraging. She was my heart and I can’t seem to get myself together, to say the least i’m devastated. Well two days after that she tells me she is seeing someone and she is really feeling her and that the girl makes her feel good about herself, but I never not made her feel not good. Now she is openly seeing her and spending the night with her like I have no feeling. I still live there and I think she is wrong in doing what she is doing in front of me. I won’t be moving for another two weeks because I have no family here I needed time to move and would not ask her to move. She has a 15 yr old son whom we both adore. Please give me advice on how to deal with the pain while I am still here. I know time heals all wounds but her throwing that woman in my face everyday is almost unbearable.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Jackie,

Dealing with the pain takes time.  It’s grief.  There isn’t always an answer that’s going to be satisfying or even understandable.  But, you can’t do anything if she’s made her decision.  There is no answer.  Just go on being honorable in your separation and work through the pain either with your friends or by consulting a therapist – I find it helpful to do that myself because it’s like any loss you have feelings of anger and bargaining and eventually, acceptance.

Sorry for your pain.  But, it will pass eventually.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Jackie -

It sounds like she’s hurting too, and is covering it up with this other woman. You need to tell her (either in person, or a letter), how having this other woman around is making you feel. You don’t have the right to tell her she can’t see her, but you can ask her, for your sake and that of the 15 year old, to please not bring her around while you are all living in the same place.  You’ll be out in 2 weeks, and she can do anything she wants then, but let her know that you’re asking for her consideration for the next two weeks.

Other than that, surround yourself with supportive friends and family, get out, doing things, take hot baths, drink tea, and make sure you take care of yourself. It’s hard, yes, but you’re right; time does heal things, and you’ll get out of this ok.

Good luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jackie,

I am shocked to hear that your ex is dating someone else while you’re still living in the house. Shame on her skanky ass!

My suggestion would be to find someplace to crash until you can move out. I’ve slept on many a friend’s couch in similar circumstances. It sucks that you have to go through this, but it is important to take care of yourself. If you absolutely have nowhere to go until you can move, just spend as much time out of the house or in your room avoiding her as much as possible.

As for dealing with the pain, there are a lot of things you can do. Journaling has always been a big help to me because it lets you get your feelings out. You might also find an activity that allows you to vent your feelings in a postive way. Go to the batting cages or learn to do pottery and pound some clay. Take up skeet shooting or find some meditation classes in your area (you don’t have to be Buddhist to do this, by the way).

You might consider talking to a counselor to work through it or a grief counseling group. Just know that this, too, shall pass. Learn to love yourself.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Jackie,

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup and how much pain it is causing you.

My suggestion would be to talk to her about it.  Tell her that in 2 weeks time you will no longer be living there but could she please, out of respect for your former relationship, not bring the girl around you/talk about or to her in front of you because you find it painful.

It’s the least she can do.  Tell her that it hurts you to see/hear about it and just to hold off while you are there.

If her son is 15 you can still maintain contact with him outside of his mother as he is older now.  Email/Facebook him frequently and let him know you are still there for him as much as you can be and keep in contact.  Kids lose out when parents broke up with their girlfriends/boyfriends far too often.

Hopefully she will listen to your plea and be respectful of your feelings.

Good luck to you…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Jackie,

That isn’t right of her. I know I don’t know all the circumstances, or both sides of the story for that matter, but damn! I hope that you get out of the house, start over, and find a woman that adores you. I’m sorry this happened to you. We never want to see an unhappy ending when we fall in love, but sadly they do happen.

I would do what you can to avoid seeing them together because it will only hurt more. Get out, do something for yourself, go shopping. Get your mind off of things while you still have to see them. Then I would work on repairing your heart and finding love again.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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