This is a follow up to Installment #43

Name: Sheri
Age: 42
Location: Arkansas

I could write a book on all the things I think happened, lol! We had what I thought was the perfect relationship. She wanted me and only me. And I was older and insecure so I think I, inadvertently, sabotaged our relationship. I was constantly feeling as if she would leave me for someone younger, thinner and better looking. I thought I was fat and ugly. For years, I kept being jealous of every other girl she talked to. I didn’t let her have a life. She told me she didn’t need a life besides me and I believed her on that.

Well, 6 years ago, I had some surgeries and got real sick. I almost died from staph meningitis. The Doctors told her that I wouldn’t be coming home or if I did I would be a vegetable. She has told me on numerous occasions since then that this is what started the problems in our life. She couldn’t accept that I was dying, and then when I didn’t she felt that she could never live through that again and wouldn’t  sit by and go through it again. Well, I got all better. Call it a miracle, or the fact that I am a stubborn person and refused to leave my family, but I got better. Completely!!!

But it changed all of us. My kids turned into monsters. There were way too many conflicts to mention. Some even turned violent. But I felt caught in the middle and couldn’t choose to give up my wife and I couldn’t bring myself to put my kids away when they probably should have been. I put her through hell. The last big conflict, my youngest attacked her violently and all I could do is beg my wife to not leave me and to please stay even though my daughter was still there. That was the big one I guess. Then 2 years ago, I was noticing that she was pulling away worse and worse. And she wouldn’t talk to me. She was making friends with people at work and I was feeling betrayed. So, I accused her of wanting to have an affair. And she adamantly said I was wrong, it was just friends. Then I was led to believe that some of these friends of “ours” were encouraging her to leave me so, I freaked out. Then we stopped having sex, and I was always complaining about it. but I thought we were trying to work it out. Well, I guess I wasn’t as patient with it as she wanted me to be, so I kept saying it didn’t look as if she was trying. That I wanted us to work it out but she didn’t seem to want to. So, it got worse. Then when I finally realized what I was doing, she pulled away more.

She didn’t want me to touch her. No hugs,no kisses, no cuddling. Nothing. So I of course started getting pissy about it and it got even worse. She stopped wanting to even be in the same room as me. Said I kept her awake. That everything kept her awake. We had decided to move out from our adult children and have our own lives. I thought. I found out she was gonna move us out then leave me. But that changed because she got a pretty bad bacterial infection and I took care of her. She told our daughter she couldn’t leave me. That I was so good to her and that I was her curse. So, a few weeks ago, she decided to do laundry. She separated hers from mine and did hers even though I needed work clothes too. I was upset. So, I went out with friends and had some drinks, and came home and started a big fight. That night she told me she wanted a divorce!! She moved out of my room completely, took of her rings, changed all her passwords, changed all her status reports. and has made a complete new set of young, skinny friends. Now, she has changed her “age”. says she is 25 instead of 31, acts like a kid and is playing around with these young skinny girls.( before she was attracted to girls with some weight) She isn’t telling me anything. Has refused counseling in the past. I am afraid to bring it up. I don’t want to chase her away indefinitely! I want to allow her her freedom, but I want her to come back to me. I want us to start over. Get to know each other all over again. We have a lot in common still…music, movies, humor(when she isn’t being downright mean), we both love animals and still want all the same things.

So, there is the short version. Sorry so long. You can do what you like with this. If anyone can help me, I would love the help. All I know is that my life has been turned upside down and I don’t know if I can survive this some moments. I miss our life. I miss my wife. And I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Sheri – Thanks for checking back in with us.  I don’t know, sounds like you played a big part in the demise of this relationship and it’s doubtful, as much as it hurts, that you can’t do a big giant take-back for all the hurt and frustration your partner felt over the time you were together.  Sounds like she had just reached her limit and it’s doubtful if that’s going to change just because you realize now that you could have done things differently.  If you truly love this woman, let her go.  And, you can survive and you can learn from past mistakes.  It just hurts like hell.

I’d head into personal therapy to learn how to understand yourself, your reactions, and actions so that when you meet the next potential partner, you can be a full and engaged partner.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Sheri -

You’re not going to like what I have to say.  Why? Because I’m telling you that you need to move on.  She already has. It hurts, a lot, I know.  But you WILL get through it, you WILL survive and you WILL find happiness again…just not with her.  She’s moved on already, and that needs to show you that’s the end of it.

I think you could get a lot of benefit from therapy; they can help you talk this through, help provide support, and help you figure out what the next step is.

It’s hard, but just remember, you will make it through this. I promise.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Sheri,

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your relationship is irreparably broken. It appears that for all intents, she has moved on and has no interest in working through all of the damage the two of you have caused each other.

Trust is a fragile thing, but it is vital in a relationship. I don’t see that coming back in your relationship. It’s time to move on with your life and to learn how to love and nurture yourself. It is only when you tap the love within that you can ever have enough to share with someone else.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Sheri,

Letting go is never easy, especially when you’re still in love with someone. If sounds like she has moved on and I’m sure she has her reasons. Your insecurities are something you need to deal with, alone or in therapy. If you don’t fix that issue it will continue to plague you. You have to trust that when someone tells you that they love you that they do, no matter the age or weight difference. If there is no trust then what is there?

My advice would be to ball your eyes out. Get it all out of your system, do what you need to do to separate your lives amicably. Take time for yourself and your kids. Repair what is broken to better yourself for the next relationship. Holding on will only make things worse.

Get out there. Meet new people yourself. The prospect of love is not over for you. Although it may feel like it you will find someone again.

I wish you luck and the strength to make it through this,

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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