Name: Diane Killian
Age: 52
Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana

Question:How do you make yourself realize that “I am not the love in my lovers heart. She still carries the flame for an ex. Please give me steps to take.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Diane,

I think you already have.  Now, decide if it’s something you can live with. Accepting this means it may or may not change.  If you aren’t willing to wait for that to happen, I’d move along and find someone who holds your heart close.

Good luck…
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Diane -

Have you talked to your lover about this, or is this just your assumption?  Because assumptions can be dangerous things.

If you HAVE talked about it, and she does in fact carry a flame for her ex, the next step is to figure out whether you can still be together.  There is not a finite amount of love in this world, and it’s possible that even though she still has love towards her ex, that you to can still work.  However, this isn’t always the case. I’d suggest lots and lots of communication, and if you can, some couples counseling to talk about it. Eventually, if it doesn’t work, I’d make sure you have someone to talk to about it as well.  Therapy is underrated, really.

If you HAVEN’T talked about it, and you’re just assuming that she’s still in love, TALK ABOUT IT.  It’s possible that she does/says things that are “normal” to her, but get read as “in love with her ex” to you. For example, my ex and I don’t really get along. At all. But when we were together, I designed her website, updated it regularly, etc.  After we broke up, it took me over a year to transfer all of the info, domains, etc back to her because she was flaky about responding to emails/texts. Finally, it is now done.  While it was all going on, my current partner asked me if maybe something was going on there. It DEFINITELY wasn’t, but I can see how someone might have thought so.  But she asked me, I honestly answered no, and now that’s all behind us.

Good luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Diane,

My first suggestion would be to talk with her about it in an open and honest way. The two of you might want to seek couples counseling.
But if you reach a point at which you don’t feel that you can trust her, it might be time to move on. When jealousy and suspicion replace trust and love, the relationship is already dead.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Diane,

In my opinion there are no set rules of engagement in realizing you are no the only one in your lovers heart.  I believe it takes honesty and time for this to occur. Honesty with both yourself and your girlfriend. No one should be someone else’s second best.

If this is a gut feeling you have and haven’t yet spoken to your lover about it I would do so sooner than later.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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