Name: Cassie Lawhon
Age: 23
Location: West Virginia

Question: My girlfriend and I are getting legally married in August, but I’m having problems with dealing with her ex- husband. They have 3 kids together who are ages 17, 18, 21. When we are with the kids they know that we are together but when the ex is around they always talk about family things and things that the family did when they were married and I’m never acknowledged as the girlfriend to the ex-husband. I’m not sure what to think about this and if I should bring it up. I want to be with her but I can’t be the outcast when he is around.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Cassie,

Before you get married, you need to settle this issue with your girlfriend.  She must acknowledge you and you must accept that she had a long life before you and their shared conversation will naturally include that as now there are no more stories to gather as a family unit – it’s all that is left of it.  She can be more sensitive to you however, even in that regard.  But, don’t get married until it’s resolved, because it will fester with you.

Good luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Cassie -

That’s always a difficult situation, for people of any gender/orientation, with or without kids. It’s hard to not play the comparison game with exs, or even be jealous.  And it’s normal and ok.

That said, if you feel like it is affecting you and/or your relationship, then the best thing you can do is talk about it.  Don’t be accusatory, or angry, but let your partner know that you’re feeling left out at certain times, and maybe provide her with possible solutions so that you two can figure out a way to make it work.  If you approach it with anger, it’s likely she too will get angry and it could cause issues.  However, if you talk about it like to loving adults, which you are, you might bring something to her attention which she hadn’t noticed before.  Communication is always the answer.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Cassie,

Talk to your girlfriend about your concerns. Share you feelings in a non-accusatory way (e.g. “I felt belittled when such-and-such happened.”)  It appears that your girlfriend and her ex-husband are many years older than you are. That might be playing into it as well. Or it might. But have an open discussion with your girlfriend about it.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Hi Cassie,

Who isn’t acknowledging you?  The kids or your fiancée?  If it’s your fiancée, you need to talk to her… tell her how it makes you feel.  It’s the only way to stop it.

If it’s the kids… well, that’s a bigger problem.  You don’t want to force them to do/say anything because that may put a wedge between you.  Maybe you can bring up your own stories?  Interject yourself into the conversation and don’t just sit back and be the 6th wheel (Ok, I get that 6 wheels would actually work, but let’s just go with that).

I’m curious, I see that you are only 2 years older than your oldest step-child.  How’s that working out?

Good luck!

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Issues like this tend to fester into deal breakers. You have to talk this out with your girlfriend before you get married. The talk of the past will always be there. No many kids want their parents to get divorced and talking about what used to be may console them in some way.

Perhaps it will just be a matter of time. Adjustment periods are always hard to get through. It’s up to you to share your feelings with your girlfriend and make sure you can come to a happy medium.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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