thelesbianlifestyle.com

What Would Sappho Say?

Lectori Salutem! or L.S. (Greetings to the Reader!)

There were days that strung into weeks, maybe years where I had convinced myself that all I needed was me, myself, I. I would occasionally let people in only to be reminded that the gift of friendship always came with a steep price, especially for me as I opened the door so wide after going without the gentle breeze of human intimacies for so long that I was easy prey for my so-called friends. It may not happen after a month, or six, sometimes not even a year, but sooner or later the hammer dropped and something was stolen from me – both materialistically and emotionally and I would retreat back into myself, promising never to let anyone close again. What a fool’s oath! We do all need each other in the end but bonds of trust are living, breathing things.

No matter how smart, how covered in armor, how guarded you are, the human condition longs for companionship and a persistent and smarmy individual can say all the right things, first standing on your side against the evils of human nature and then penetrating your shields with that agreeable personality. Before you know it, you have trusted again and with the worst kind of person. Oh you’ll feel better that someone understands your fears at first until it’s too late and you realize he or she is taking in all your words to use against you in the end.

Do I sound a bit paranoid? Get the feeling I think the worst of everyone now? No, it’s just the opposite and that is why I have to make this conscious effort to put up my guard and watch out for those among us that are the bad apples. Those that don’t believe it’s wrong to put yourself in the position to feel responsible for you. Those that would walk away if they totaled your car and had no means of fixing it instead of waiting to find out you were not going to sue them or something. They were your friend. You would work it out. Those that always kept score of who paid when it was your turn as you went out to dinner but conveniently forgot the $400 they owed you.
I have had all of the above slither into my life and I thought they really were good friends of mine and cared about me, not what I had to offer monetarily or otherwise. A shrink told me there comes a time when it is my fault I let these people past the front gate. So, for me, I am on heightened alert.

I was done with intimacy and close friends had worn out any welcome mat on my doorstep. As others tried to get close to me in recent years, I fought with them, I criticized them, and I ran them off. I did anything to keep them at bay whether or not they seemed to have goodness within them or not. I spent a few years there without any truly close friends; I spent 7 years without a best friend. I had friends, acquaintances, and neighbors who felt they really knew me – but they were merely people I gave bits of information to that kept them updated on my life as I wanted them to see it.. Everything was on my terms. I lived amongst a group of people alone. Nothing felt lonely, just alone.

One day, it all changed. A tornado blew into my life and created a mess that I never want to clean up. She was a familiar face with the soul of the woman I have known almost my entire life, but both of our details had changed and our growth has been slow and painful. She started the dialogue that released me from the trials and tribulations that had been going on in my head – the daily persecution of my insanity, the mundane existence of aloneness I had carved out where I tried to write. She knew little of the life I had been leading prior to her entrance back into my life, as do you my gentle readers, and even when she did, she never treated me as if I ever would go back there again. As far as she was concerned, I was no different than her and that feeling set me free in so many ways.

We picked up right where we left off as we always did every 4 or 5 years in the last 20 or so years of our lives. We have known each other for 29 going on 30 years… (OK, we met when I was born) WOW, is all I can say to the magnitude of our friendship and of that number. I barely feel thirty, how could I possible have known someone for thirty years?

Knowing someone that long, a fellow lesbian has its perks and its drawbacks. Its great to have someone in your life who loves you no matter what. No matter what stupid choice in GF, what stupid choice in one night stands (having one, these days), they go one forever and I’d love to say that our friendship is without judgment but we can’t hide facial expressions ALL the time, but we try DAMN hard not to judge each other and even if we do, we love unconditionally.

She has given me the ability to trust one person in this world with all of me. That is a gift I don’t know if she realizes how whole it makes me to look into the eyes of someone who knows all of my secrets and all of my lies and still looks back at me with love and respect. People always joke that we should just date or sleep together and get it over with but they must have never had a true best friend. The bond is so different than that of a lover. While we are not sisters and our bond is not the same as sisters, our love is as deep as bound as sisters and sleeping together would be incest. It just brings about a visceral reaction of”OH MY GOD, GROSS”, no offense, best friend.

So, this is my homage to all best friends as they traverse the sticky situations like when your friend’s new girlfriend is jealous of you and then you are jealous of her; the fights that seem so stupid and the fights that run so deep; the laughter that honestly makes you wet your pants; and the unbridled love and hope for each other’s happiness in the world.

Much Love, JH.

Inspired by Sappho’s Muse

QUOTES OF THE DAY
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
Anonymous

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.
Anonymous

What Would Sappho Say
www.sapphospeaks.com