2010
Possession
I’m in love with an amazing woman. I’ve loved her for three years. I can’t imagine life without her. She’s the embodiment of a perfect girlfriend. We’ve lived together for two of our three years. We never argue. My heart still leaps when she walks into the room. She’s the last thought on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thought when I wake up in the morning.
But a part of me needs more. This part of me is dark, violent, and scary. It’s a part of myself I don’t like to show people. This part of me needs pain and humiliation to get off. When it rears its head, I yearn for a strong, dominant woman to take charge. I want to be tied up and beaten until I beg for her to stop. I want to be called names and used. I long for the touch of a lash against my skin, for the welts that rise up and sometimes bleed. I dream about bruises and rope burns. Words like bitch, whore, and cunt make my knees weak. And yet…
My girlfriend could never hurt me, even if I begged her to. So I make do with a smack on the ass or a harsh word once in a blue moon. While she’s making love to me I close my eyes and imagine I’m being whipped. She knows I’m submissive. She knows I like to be whipped. She doesn’t understand it. She never will. She’s not submissive and she isn’t dominant. She’s just…her. And I love her for it. I don’t want her to change. But sometimes I need more.
So what do I do? For now, I’m not dissatisfied. Our sex life is amazing. But what happens five years down the road? Will I always be content. I’d never be unfaithful. Ever. I could never hurt her. I could never betray her. She’s my everything. I think I enjoy this anguish. It’s a kind of pain, much harsher than the pain from a whip or a riding crop. That dark part of me relishes in it. It hoards the pain and feeds on it. But what happens when it finally bursts free?
Oh finally! To hear someone else speak the words I hold on my tongue! I know your pain, the longing for something that can’t be. I have many of the same issues you do: I am decidedly submissive, and yearn for something rough, even if it’s just once a month. My wife doesn’t understand either, and frankly doesn’t like to be rough with me even when I have asked. I think it’s charming that she worries about hurting me, yet I am often left with an underlying sense of dissatisfaction after our time in bed together.
I am unlike you though, because I have considered being unfaithful. I don’t want to hurt her, don’t want to betray her, yet I don’t feel as though I am getting what I deserve from our relationship either. It’s a twisted web, yet the idea of going the rest of my life feeling this unrequited passion deep within me is something I know I would not be able to bear. Something will give eventually, and I don’t know if I can say that I am strong enough to sacrifice myself physically just to please myself emotionally.