Name: Natalie K
Age: 24
Location: Berkeley, CA

Question: I was with my gf for over a year. She broke up with me almost a month ago. But a month before that she had gotten me an engagement ring saying it means she will love me forever, it was a very serious relationship. I feel she is the one and she did feel that too. She says she is ‘confused, doesn’t know what she wants, scared, etc’ She is only 21, so I think maybe that has to do with it. We had hit a rough spot for a few weeks prior, but nothing unworkable.

I just now get mixed messages from her. I am trying to stay strong and try to live my life. But I hate it because all I want is her, even though she broke me. I don’t know what to do. Move on? I just know there is something there, and I think she just needs to figure it all out, but what am I supposed to do in the mean time?

I need help
Thanks for reading.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Natalie,

Sounds like you’ve talked to her.  Though our feelings can be incredibly intense once we fall into that limerence state, we can just as quickly fall out of it unless all the factors align as a couple to span the shift into long-term love.  She’s young, it’s probably too intense, or something isn’t right for her and this isn’t the one.  Commitments that last a lifetime are rare for someone her age.  You aren’t broken, you’re bruised badly.  But, yes, move on with a loving heart.  It’s just going to hurt.  Try and take away the positives of what you learned to bring to a healthy dating relationship the next time around..
Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Natalie,

The idea of someone being “the one” (as in “I feel she is the one”) is romantic nonsense. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. It’s disempowering because it gets us clinging to unhealthy relationships and interferes with our ability to love ourselves. Clingy, needy people are not attractive.

Forget about her. Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Work through your own baggage. If necessary, meet with a therapist or perhaps join a 12-step group. If you learn to love yourself, one of two things will happen. Either she will come around (but that can’t be your motive) and want you back or you will realize that she wasn’t as good a match for you as you thought. It’s a win, either way. Trust me on this. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Yes, I would wait. It sounds as though what you had was worth a little time on the side lines. On a personal note I had no idea what I wanted when I was 21. Oh wait… yes I did. I wanted to get back with my high school girlfriend who left me for a guy. She was my “one” and my life would never be the same without her.

That said, if you wait, it doesn’t mean she’ll come back. And you can wait the rest of your life and that doesn’t mean you won’t love again.

Remember to be honest with yourself and her. Remember that love is worth the wait, but real love won’t make you wait forever. Set up a time line for yourself. “If she isn’t back by ______, then I’ll _______.” Have respect for yourself and remember that love should only be painful for a moment.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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