#61

Name: Elizabeth
Age: 18
Location: TN

Question: A week after Valentine’s Day I gave this girl a box of heart shaped chocolates. I was nervous and I don’t think I communicated well… I found out later that she actually went to my high school and I never knew it.

My high school years were not the brightest part of my life. Not only does she have different friends than I did but a lot of rumors were made about me in high school. In addition to this, two days after I gave her the chocolate my ex bf contacted me out of the blue saying he heard a rumor that I was dating some chick. So, I got worried that 1)she might get dragged down by my rumors (which I told him were false) and 2) she might have heard bad rumors about me.

Before I gave her the chocolate, she sat right next to me in art class but now she is two seats away… and we’re drawing nude people so I’m already not comfortable in that class, I would really like to talk to her again but I always used to get so nervous I’m afraid I’ll mess up again.

Also, after a month of thinking about it. I thought that I never really got to know her. I just judged her by her looks (she’s beautiful) and I never valued her as a person. I feel like such a hypocrite because I hate it when guys do this to me.

I would like to either move on or get the courage to talk to her or write her a note. I don’t want to do it over facebook because of the high school connection, I don’t want to write a note because they have been shown to mean people in the past. I was thinking about typing something… I don’t know if I should try to repair the damage or just leave it alone because there are only four weeks of school left.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Elizabeth,

I take it you are in college now?  All grown up?  Did you just shove the chocolate at her and run away?  Notes?  C’mon.  Had she give you any indication she was interested – have you been flirting, making deep eye contact, standing just a little too close?  And what about all the self-induced drama?  Bad rumors?  Rumors that you were lesbian?  Are you?  This all sounds like it’s being played out in middle school.

Listen, I know it’s tough when you’ve been encultured as “the girl” to not be the one to make the first move, but first you have to determine if there is any interest by the other party.  You know – all those things will be present:  body language, prolonged eye contact, and so on.  Then you have to decide to take your chance.  You can be direct and know that there is a good chance she will not be interested because she’s part of the 90% of the population who is straight  and take the lumps and also know she might discuss your attraction with others or you can surmise that she is straight and move along and find some like-minded folks that you have a relatively better chance with – those people who you know going into it are gay, lesbian, or at least bisexual. There are a myriad of resources including GLBT student groups, online groups, and even if you are in a remote area with a very small gay population, you can develop a homing mechanism to find your people.  You just have to try.

If you are in the closet and think of being a lesbian as something of a “bad rumor” – then I would suggest counseling at the student center so you can come to grips with who you are and make things a little more comfortable for yourself.  If you are in the closet, hitting on probably straight girls is not going to help you stay in.  If you are going to come out loud and proud, then be prepared for the rejection and possible other consequences that sometime befall us.

Good luck – and seriously – let us know how it’s going.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Elizabeth:

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Elizabeth,

The allure of the intoxicating roller coaster that is young love can sometimes make us forget that the best relationships begin with a strong friendship. In other words, get to know her. Without the friendship, the relationship will be just another heartbreak. When you take the time to get to know her, you find out whether she’s gay, straight or bi. You find out if you enjoy doing the same kind of things. Most importantly, you find out if the two of you are compatible. So invite her and some other friends for an evening out. If she’s into art, invite her to the local art museum or perhaps a film festival (not necessarily a gay film festival). Take your time. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Elizabeth,

Do you know where she lives?  Perhaps you could take out the school aspect altogether?

Maybe find out where she works and get a job there (if possible).  I’m just afraid for you to get any further into a mess with people hurting you.

It’s tough because kids now have an even BIGGER audience within which they can humiliate each other.

But don’t do anything that you feel will put you in danger.  First and foremost.

Be safe.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Elizabeth,

How did she act when you gave her the chocolates? Was she dumbfounded, did she blush, did she say thank you and smile? Have you received any sort of verbal or physical feedback that this girl is interested in you?

it sounds like you have a lot of self discovery to do. Doing it in high school sucks, but it’s all part of the grand plan. If this girl does show a return of interest I would continue to pursue and communicate with her. If she feels the same why she may just want to post it all over Facebook for the world to see. Fuck em’!

No matter what you do please remember to be true to yourself and your heart. You can’t force someone to fall in love with you, but you can miss an opportunity to love because you’re afraid to tell someone. It sounds like you have a good heart and courage, in the end that’s pretty much all you need to make it through the day.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

# 62

Name: It’s a secret
Age: 17
Location: Anywhere

Question: I have been into girls all my life, and i have been looking for tips, pointers advice, anything! to know…. how do u know another girl likes you, and i know the biggest thing is to know if she is gay or not, but people can really be confusing at this age especially if she is still hiding it …. also if a girl is not out of the closet yet.. is there any signs? i mean i know there isn’t any way of knowing for sure. i have one other lesbian friend who is more experienced and when i told her i was gay she said ya i knew… n i said how? n she said well i just kind of had the feeling you were… so right now i’m just really confused as to how you know another girl likes you. can you help?

Lori Hahn

Dear It’s a Secret,

Girl, if someone is interested you just have to pay attention.  Just like when boys and girls get together there are signs.  They show an interest, their body language leans in, they flirt.  It’s really no different.  There is no secret handshake and gaydar is often fallible.  I’m going to repeat the advise I gave the previous writer:  I know it’s tough when you’ve been encultured as “the girl” to not be the one to make the first move, but first you have to determine if there is any interest by the other party.  You know – all those things will be present:  body language, prolonged eye contact, and so on.  Then you have to decide to take your chance.  You can be direct and know that there is a good chance she will not be interested because she’s part of the 90% of the population who is straight  and take the lumps and also know she might discuss your attraction with others or you can surmise that she is straight and move along and find some like-minded folks that you have a relatively better chance with – those people who you know going into it are gay, lesbian, or at least bisexual. There are a myriad of resources including GLBT student groups, online groups, and even if you are in a remote area with a very small gay population, you can develop a homing mechanism to find your people.  You just have to try.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Anonymous,

“Gaydar” is that gut feeling you sometimes get when you meet someone that is gay or bisexual. Often it is the result of any combination of clues including speech patterns, body language, facial expressions, personal interests, clothing, etc. But it’s not 100% reliable. I’ve had my gaydar go off on straight people and had zero response on gay people. The only sure-fire way to find out someone’s sexual orientation is to ask them and to do that, you need to spend time developing a friendship. Through friendship, you develop mutual trust which is crucial if you ever hope to have a relationship.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

I remember being in high school and wishing everyone’s sexuality was tattooed onto their foreheads. The fact of the matter is that  you can’t ever really know. Sure there are hunches and gaydar, but until you talk to that person and they share it with you it’s all speculation.  I have been utterly surprised by some of the people that have come out to me. I have also been right on the money with guessing who would be the next to come out of the closet.

If you are interested in someone, and you aren’t sure about her sexuality I would just start talking with her. Form a friendship, which will in turn conjure up conversation. Once you’re comfortable enough perhaps you can come out to her and then see how she responds.

I can’t tell you that you won’t go chasing after a few straight women. Hell, we’ve all done it and some of us have developed the chase into an illness. The bottom line is that we will never have our sexualities tattooed on our foreheads. And if we did, some of us would end up having to get it removed and modified down the road. Look for a friend first, before you look for a lover, and the rest will fall in place.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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