thelesbianlifestyle.com

I have only recently accepted my lesbian nature because I thought it was a choice and didn’t want to go against social norms. All those years I forced myself to be straight were miserable. The only reason why I did it for so long was because there were very few gays around me. I couldn’t have a girlfriend even if I wanted because South Dakota isn’t exactly the place to be OUT. So I avoided women by having male friends and a few female friends that I wasn’t attracted to. But I couldn’t avoid them totally…a beautiful red head was brought to my house by my boyfriends friend and I fell in love with her. It was then at age 32 that I realized I have strong feelings for women that I can’t ignore forever. Slowly the memories came back to me…all those events in my past that I had blocked out. The young girls that I played with while growing up knew I liked girls because I didn’t know to hide it.

This is one of those moments when I realized I was different. I was 4 years old playing with my friend in her parents closet while they were gone. She found her dads playboys in the corner. I started looking through them and began drooling over the naked women. My friend said, “wait a minute” and got her moms playgirl magazines and said that they were way better. I said that the naked men were ugly and I wanted to look at boobies and pussies cuz they are soooo much better. She informed me that I was supposed to like guys. I said I liked girls as if it was no big deal. My friend stood up and left the closet…I walked out and began jumping on her parents’ bed while listening to ABBA. She looked at me differently now, like she knew a deep dark secret about me and she did! She told everyone and would even remind them yearly. I soon realized that people thought homosexuality was completely unacceptable and was shunned from society.

I grew up in a rural area and it seemed like everyone was heterosexual only so I had few friends. My mother had caught me playing sex with my only good friend when I was 12 for which I was shamed mercilessly. She literally sat me down in front of a picture of jesus and said that jesus hates me now and I will go to hell. She harped on and on making me feel worthless and perverted. That’s when I gave up my sexuality. I seriously believed that my sexual desires were wrong and that I should never act on them. I became a very depressed teenager. Which led me to make many bad decisions that left me feeling lower than low. I forced myself to be in relationships with men but these were never healthy unions. I am not sexually attracted to men and I can’t change that. I cannot develop a strong emotional attachment to a man and they see me as somewhat frigid or uncaring because of this. I would get together with a man and hope things would be better and eventually I’d be crying after sex every time.

I described my world as black and white with no colorful loving emotions. I had come to my end and could no longer pretend to be happy. I found a rope and headed to the basement to end my misery. I began tying the rope around my neck to hang myself from the rafters and had an epiphany. Why was I living a life that did not please me? Why end my life without even trying to do it my way? I decided to stop living the life everyone else wanted and live a life that made me happy. I was going to step out of my closet no matter how hard it was!

I started telling my friends and family but was shocked when they all turned their backs on me. No one wanted anything to do with me if I was a lesbian. So now I’m outta the closet and completely alone and rejected. It felt horrible and almost worse than hiding in my closet. But I was happier with myself for being honest and not having the anxiety of hiding anymore. Very slowly my life began to change and years later I found the woman for me. We met online and melted together instantly. We’ve been together for over a year and I haven’t stopped smiling yet. In fact its better than I ever thought it could be. The beautiful colors of love and sex have come back to my back into my black and white world.

It isn’t easy being a lesbian and we face drama and discrimination constantly. We are currently hiding our relationship in public and tell others we are friends, roommates, or cousins depending on the situation. I really hope the day comes when I can hold my girlfriends hand in public or give her a kiss without it being a big deal. I want to be able to tell my boss that I have a girlfriend without getting fired. I can’t tell anyone that I’m madly in love with my girlfriend and we are very happy. But they can see it in my smile.

Guest Post Sent In From: Lez Lee
Age: 37
Location: Illinois