2010
The Days of My Split Personality – Coming Out Vol. IV
What Would Sappho Say?
Lectori Salutem! or L.S. (Greetings to the Reader!)
If you haven’t noticed the Vol IV, you can catch up by scanning Coming Out, Vol I, Coming Out, Vol II and Coming Out, Vol III for the juicy bits of my evolving split personality – gay lover at night with handsome senior boyfriend by school days.. We ended with Kathy and me making it through an entire school year with no one the wiser and Kathy quite frustrated sexually with my lack of progress on that front.
Now it was summer and we would have more alone time and I knew I was l love with her and that my fears were just going to have to be put away so we could move forward. In other words, my pants finally came off. I have to say, once all the fear was released, and that took a few weeks, I finally began to let myself go and the sex was great. There was nothing but touching going on between us for now but that was surely enough for me. Kathy was quite the little moaner so sex was something that only occurred when we were left completely alone at my house or hers.
I did not totally abandon my friends over the summer and we were once again moving up the chain of command, now invited to the best parties. For Kathy, she was about to go off to college and this was time she wasn’t going to let me go off by myself and do. We had become friends and by extension she had become friendly with some of my best friends so it was no stretch to have her come along. Things between us seemed great to me but then I had been calling the shots the whole time and had no idea what was about to occur.
The first party we went to Kathy tried to get me in a bathroom alone at ever turn to make out or worse, and I was not well for it. My worlds we separate in my mind. She could come but I did not want to take any chance on someone seeing a touch or a glance that would reveal our secret. We talked. She reluctantly agreed but things did not get any better. She seemed to be bolder and bolder as if she now wanted people to know about us.
On one occasion, a friend of mine was taking us home and while we were in the backseat she leaned over and started kissing me. I quickly pushed her off me and will never know how much that friend saw. She never said a word but I would find out much later questions began to arise about our relationship. My worlds were closing in and protecting my lie was more important than anything as I was still not ready to accept a life of name calling and stereotypical “dyke” life. The last straw was one day we were alone at my house and having sex. As I was kissing Kathy’s stomach she did something men do; she pushed my head down to her crotch. Something I had never done and I certainly was unprepared for the experience now. I did what she told me to do for the most part feeling humiliated at the same time, she was moaning so loud and came so fast I was at least glad it was over quickly.
That moment gave me a good excuse to end it between the two of us. I ran away and would not talk to her again before she left for college. I was freaked out by oral sex with a woman. It was too much for me to process so I just shut it out. It wasn’t just that, it was the threat she posed to my well-developed lie that left my life easy. I could be with my friends, ones’ that I loved but probably would not be there for a gay friend in high school. Homosexuality is contagious among the rumor mill.
After Kathy, I regressed back into my straight world until one of my friends’ I met through Kathy started hanging out. She was a cool girl, no rumors about her. She ended up to be just like me – living the lie. So we became closer friends and explored the gay world of our home Metropolis whenever we could. We would sneak into gay bars, have a fling here or there to increase our experiences. All the while we both would date every once and a while and were still involved with our own individual friend circles.
As I said, I found out my senior year that indeed the rumor mill had tried to use its magic on a story about Kathy and me but my popular girl friends quashed it before it got legs. One particularly loyal friend told the person who brought it up, “That is absurd and totally untrue. I would know if she was gay and she is not. If I hear you tell one more person this story I will personally kick your ass!”
I had both me and my friends fooled real good. I really didn’t know what I was doing. By my senior year I was the co-captain of the cheerleading squad and lived it fairly straight until my parents went out of town the day after I graduated. On that day, it all came together and I knew I didn’t need to live in two separate lives anymore. I had a girlfriend who was my beautiful, 28 year-old boss ay Palais Royal in the Ready-To-Wear section and she was the antithesis of what a dyke was supposed to look like. She turned heads wherever we went. I loved it. I would be going off to college as the lesbian.
So that’s the end of my coming out story and my split personality in high school. I hope you enjoyed the mini saga.
Much Love.
Inspired By Sappho’s Muse
