2010
Your Parents – The Moment Of Truth
What Would Sappho Say?
Lectori Salutem! or L.S. (Greetings to the Reader!)
OK. So I went of a four-series yarn about my coming out story but I never told you about the real moment of truth – the day you tell your parents. As I said, I had what I considered my official coming out party the day I graduated high school. I went off to college and from then on, I really didn’t care who knew I was gay.
There were still a few friends from high school, well one friend from high school that, I was afraid to tell. At the time I just thought it was because we were such good friends and I really cared for her and I did not want her of all people to reject me and I was afraid she would. I didn’t have much faith in the people I hung around with in high school – that popular crowd. I had seen them take someone down and eat them up for no reason at all. Looking back I know she wasn’t one of them though, this girl I waited 20 years to come out to, but first things first – my parents.
If they were real honest with themselves, I came out when I was seeing Kathy in 10th grade. My mother found the stash of love letters between us and confronted me. I have no idea what I said but there’s not much denying what I had written on those pages. And like I said, there was the Farrah Fawcett swimsuit poster on my wall for about 3 years when I was 9, 10, and 11. What else? I rarely wore dresses…. to the dances I wore Jones New York skirts and tops and even for formals if I could get out of a taffeta dress with a silk short one, I was there. To school, I wore Ralph Lauren shirts and Guess jeans with some cool leather FLATS. Oh yeah, I wore a skirt on game days when I was a cheerleader and everyone made notice because it happened so infrequently. It’s amazing everyone didn’t put two and two together and get queer as a three dollar bill.
After Kathy graduated I dated I guy for about 4 months and did not have sex with him. HELLO? Anyways, back to good ole’ Mom and Dad. Since I had gone off to college I didn’t really think there was a reason to tell them my freshman year. I still had the girlfriend who was the manager from Palais Royal but at 29 now it wasn’t like she was coming home to meet MOM as my girlfriend. With the long distance thing and all the young pretty girls right down the street in the gay bar walking distance from our dorm, that didn’t last long.
Sophomore year I fell in love. She was 27, a little younger but I didn’t care. She did meet Mom and Dad at our lake house. We spent the weekend together. Everything seemed to be going great. Then one night after the love of my life and I had our huge first fight and she left me, I was devastated. My roommate wasn’t home and usually my mom and I could talk about anything, especially if my feelings were involved so I called her at 9 PM and told her. Well, I wasn’t going to be feeling any better after this call. She didn’t say anything at first. The first thing that came out of her mouth is such a gay cliche´, “Do you need to see a psychiatrist?” I couldn’t believe it. I answered “No, thanks Mom, I’ll talk to you later.”
Of course, my girlfriend and I got through our first fight the next day but it would be a week before I heard from my parents and it was from my Dad. He was in my town for a meeting and only had an extra hour before his plane took off , why didn’t I meet him at the airport. So I did. We ended up talking in his rental car. He was acting like Mr. Smooth. He said, “Now, honey. It’s not like this is the first time your mother has heard of this so she’s sorry for what she said. She’s having a hard time accepting this. We have talked about this for awhile now and I have tried to prepare her but a mother does not want to think this of her only daughter. There are a lot of things she thinks will never happen for the two of you now. Now me. I was in the Navy. I knew lots of homosexuals. Also, you called her the one night I was out of town. She didn’t have me there to comfort her through this. SO, let’s make a pack. If you ever have anything big to tell us, come to me first and I will decide how and when to tell your mother. Is that a deal?”
So that was the beginning of me coming out. My mother didn’t really acknowledge that I had told her for about a year. Slowly after that she’d ask a question here or there. That “psychiatrist” question really had been a reaction to stress I found out later because at the same time I was telling her this she was going around to all the school in the school district she was a school nurse in educating them about the AIDS virus and how you can and cannot catch it and this was in the very beginning of the crisis. She never thought homosexuals were perverted. She just didn’t want her daughter to be one. I get it. Now that I am older, I didn’t give her grandkids from a daughter’s perspective but my daughter-in-law has replaced me quite well by letting my mom be involved in the birth of her second child. I didn’t give her a wedding but at least my brother didn’t either. He had a ceremony with only my parents and the bride’s parents. So some dreams for your kids have to change for reasons beyond anyone’s control but new dreams can be created.
After all these years, my sexuality is part of the fabric that makes up my entire family – extended and all. I let everyone know lately. And as for that friend I was afraid of telling, years later when I finally told her I realized I didn’t tell her because I was in love with her. When I told her I was gay, I told her the story of why I didn’t tell her all those years ago and she said, “That’s the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me.” I was blown away. Coming out is always an amazing experience in one way or another – maybe not immediately but it all works out it the end, every time.
Much Love.
Inspired By Sappho’s Muse
QUOTES OF THE DAY
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
Carl Jung
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
Oscar Wilde
