thelesbianlifestyle.com

What Would Sappho Say?

Lectori Salutem! or L.S. (Greetings to the Reader!)

1. The U-Haul Syndrome – what can I say? It is timeless. It knows no age limit, socioeconomic background, no “I will never’s”, and it is so predictable. It is like watching paint dry when you see it in a friend you love dearly and this new thing in her life that has overpowered her with that lust-love combination that if we were all honest with ourselves about was really a lust-lust combination with some superficial compatibility thrown in to tell your friends and parents to justify the quick move. You’ve heard them. “Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe it but we are both so into blah, blah, blah”. Usually it is something your friend has wanted to do for a long time and this girl just happens to have done it or wants to do it too. OF COURSE, move in together. That’s the answer. The big red flag story is when one of the stories is “oh, you should see how she and Maxie get along. She says she’s always been a dog lover and now we can share Max.” FLAG ON THE PLAY – Lesbian dog lover that doesn’t have a dog of her own: can’t take care of another being, shows no real responsibility, will end up looking to your friend for everything – emotional, physical, rent, now that you live together (great idea) and the dreaded financial that will sneak in so early it will seem like it was part of the bargain. That’s my NUMBER ONE!

2. INCESTUOSNESS – Lesbians tend to gather together like packs of wolves in their early years, meaning 20 to 45. Now of course not all those packs circle in the same forest but they come in contact every once in awhile and make no delusion about it. The inner sanctum of the hottest of the girls in their twenties will flirt with the young thirties pack of wolves but for the most part, each pack thinks of themselves as the top dogs (how appropriate for this metaphor) in their city. They have their own places they go and on what nights and times and in today’s climate, these beautiful girls are there to be seen and seen together, untouchable. These pools of women are lipstick, high heel, blue jeans, cowboy boots, and t-shirts but unmistakably they are uniquely pretty or they wouldn’t be part of the elite pack. As with any pack, the one I am describing now down to the young and still beautiful 40-somethings whose net is a bit wider, friends become lovers, lovers break up, and the group just isn’t big enough for either one of their next conquest not to be with a friend of each of theirs. In lesbian circles, this is called incest and it happens whenever there is a pack of friends, all pretty and alcohol flows freely where ever they go. What starts out innocent as a “let’s see who is the best kisser amongst contest?” during a particularly alcohol rich evening, can always end with new alliances made and UHAUL called again within weeks, but somehow the pack always stays in tack without a recognized leader. The brightest, most beautiful together COUPLE usually eases the tensions that arise to destroy family unity when incest takes someone off guard and hits too close to home, but for the most part, without it, most of the pack would stay mate-less and alone as only a few newcomers are trusted into a well-established pack. You have to really want it to get in.

3. That Great New Friend In Love with You – We have all experienced that shocking day when a friend that you really felt a powerful connection to as someone you could trust, wow! Maybe you really had made a new friend that got you when you could use one in your life. Things seem to be fine in fact, you have so many things in common it’s a bit eerie. You haven’t found a person who liked the quirky stuff, the mainstream stuff, had similar dreams, etc. If you were attracted to her in that way it would a different situation but you’d already talked about that and this was all about developing a new friendship. Or so you thought. The longer you got to know her the more you saw her trying to do things for you in a relationship way. You set the record straight again and she explains she just likes to help people out. It’s no big deal. Now, your antennae are up and you wonder why you haven’t met ant of her friends. It’s time! That night you insist on going to the regular gay bar where everyone hangs out on a Saturday night and it hits you in the head like a brick. Every friend saying “You must be the woman she’s been telling us so much about and keeping you a secret. I am glad “ya’ll” came out. Everyone is so glad to see the two of you together.” AH…….. WHAT?????? You turn to her livid and she says, “they just inferred that we were together since we’ve been spending so much time.” It’s too late now though. It all crashes in. You never had this friend who liked the things you liked or dreamed the things you dreamed. You had a friend who wanted a free pass into your pants first by pressure from your mutual friends. By now I should see this one coming. They’re actually a sneaky sort and the hardest to defend against because at one point they were a casual friend before the lying and manipulating began.

4. How about a simple one – all lesbians own a pair of BOXER SHORTS! I know it is a cliché because the last woman I had over for the night asked if she could just have a pair of boxers to slip into to sleep. I am not and never will be lesbian cliché. I DO NOT OWN a pair of boxer shorts. The fifteen-minute conversation we had about the fact that I had to be one of the few lesbians that didn’t have a pair of boxer shorts makes it on the list.

5. CARMEX – While we are now inundated with products to protect our lips these days, lesbians are loyal to a fault sometimes. I will still say that out of all the other lip balms, chap sticks, and glosses, Carmex is still A-number 1 in the heart of every decent lesbian over the age of 30.

6. The Indigo Girls – While they have now been on the road for over 20 years they continue to write amazing songs and will always be the original lesbian duo with such masterful songwriting that brought us songs like “Power Of Two”, “Prince Of Darkness”, “Galileo”, “Peace Tonight”, “Least Complicated” and that is just a small tasting from the beginning of their careers. I have seen them in concert 10 times and they have never disappointed. These women are the Joni Mitchell’s of our time and if you have never heard of them, download the songs I mentioned. I know you will love then and that will lead you to more of their music and to seeing them in town the next time they come through.

7. I’d have to say footwear always seems to be a cliché. I’ve got three pair of Doc Martens myself but two pair are pinkish purple and one is metallic silver that I used when I rode my midnight blue Harley Davidson 883 Low and I am a lipstick lesbian so clichés don’t really do much for me but I’m putting my all into this top ten list anyways. Besides Doc Martens, you’ve got Birkenstocks, pretty lesbian.

8. Now let’s get down to what the boys think we do. Dildos – regular, double-sided, strap-on… it doesn’t matter to them because they just can’t see how two women can bring each other pleasure with a dick involved. Well, we all left Tom and Dick long before “Harry Met Sally” but at least she showed them that what they’ve been hearing out of women’s mouths all these years just might NOT have been the truth during the fake orgasm scene in the diner. CHECK PLEASE. What we’ve know all along has finally been documented by the medical establishment: women have a 92% of having an orgasm with a woman while the odds fall to a dismal 59% with a man and that is without the aid of any toys boys. It’s just the facts.

9. Lesbian Hairdos – Now throughout the 40’s. 50’s and a bit into the 60’s, the short, slicked back look for a woman was the only way for another more feminine woman to recognize her as gay. There were clubs were the butch-femme roles were set and that was the way of the club lesbian. Hairdo’s have always had a queer air about them. In the 70’s the more butch women wore the mullet while the femmes did as they always did and stuck with conventional beauty. In the 80’s it seemed like every lesbian in town had short hair in various do’s as it was the new wave both musically and lesbian identity. Gone was the butch-femme dominance and now it was pretty girls with pretty girls, a more butch girl with a butch girl and all that meets in between. It was the free love era for lesbians. Even though there was the stain of AIDs, lesbians felt completely safe from killer disease. Hairdos continue to shift and shave in the 90’s and the new millennium, but anyone with a bit of gaydar can still see the stamp of lesbian on hairstyles today.

10. And FINALLY, remembering these are not in order of importance, all lesbians are good at or like sports!!!! WRONG! Many of us would rather have a manicure or go shopping or even to the dentist than to play a softball game. Now, of course, so many of us do like sports of all kinds, not just the much aligned softball. We have our tennis players. Can anyone say Martina? We have our golfers. Can anyone say pick one? There are lesbians in every sport just as there are women in the sport and we are part of the population of women.

SO…. That is my list of the top ten clichés about LESBIANS. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did making it. Did I miss any? Please let me know through your comments.