Name: Silvia
Age: 35
Location: SF

QUESTION: I have been with my gf for 4 years and I am very much in love with her. I was previously married to a man, I never felt satisfied with him or any other man. She is my second gf and when we started dating we were like rabbits, I love sex and she was always on top of me. Lately due to some health issues on her side our sex life has decreased. We used to have sex every other night and now it’s every other weekend, I understand medicine affects her mood, but I crave sex. Toys have kept me happy for awhile but lately I have been thinking about having a one night stand just to get it out of my system. She will never forgive me. Should I just wait ? I don’t want to loose her but at the same time I don’t know what to do with my sex needs.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Silvia,

Rarely in a relationship do the two parties share the same sex drive.  And, rarely do the levels of sex stay at that high while dating.  I heard a saying once.  Put a penny in a jar every time you have sex the first year and take a penny out for every time for the rest of your life and you’ll still have pennies in the jar.  Couples compromise.  Committed couples in a monogamous relationship have made a deal not to cheat.  I see that you have two choices:  (1) Realize that sex is only part of your relationship and cheating, even for a night, will fundamentally change your relationship and most likely not for the better; or 2) Tell her you need to change the terms of the contract.  Not being honest will eat at your own conscience and she could find out, which would destroy the trust you’ve built.  I’d stick with the fantasy and the toys, personally, because the last thing I would want to do is destroy my relationship.  But that rationalization stuff you’re trying to do?  It doesn’t work.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Silvia -

You’re in a hard situation. I’ve been there, on both sides of the issue. DO NOT just have a one night stand if you know that will essentially break you to up. If that’s the direction you decide to go, just break up with her and treat both of you with a little more respect.

However, there ARE other options.  A) Get some fabulous sex toys.  Feel free to email me at shannakatz@gmail.com and I’d be happy to make suggestions for you; I’ve worked with sex toys for 4 years now.  B) Talk to her about opening up your relationship, not for new relationships, but just for the sex aspect. If it’s out in the open, and done with all parties’ consent, it is not cheating. Perhaps get a copy of Opening Up and read it together. C) Have you talked to her about this?  Often times, when someone has a lower sex drive, they might not institgate sex as often, but are happy to have it, or at least help you out with some masturbation time. It’s possible she doesn’t even realize she has a lower sex drive.

And if none of these work, you need to decide which is more important to you; sex or emotional connection with her. There is no right answer, so please take some time, think about it, and do what is right for YOU.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Silvia,

Cheating is cheating and cheating is wrong. Doesn’t matter whether you cheat with a guy or a girl, it’s still cheating. So put all thoughts of cheating out of your mind.

It’s not unusual for a couple to have different libidos. Nor is it unusual for frequency of sex to diminish over the term of a relationship. This is true of straight couples and gay couples.

There are ways to deal with this without resorting to cheating:
1. You and your girlfriend can meet with a couples counselor that specializes in this issue. This can be helpful because it can facilitate communication between the two of you where no one feels guilty.
2. The two of you may want to see if there are medications that can increase her libido.
3. If you’re in the mood and she’s not, then fly solo (masturbation).
4. Discuss with her the possibility of an open relationship. This is different from cheating because she is aware of what’s going on and has given her consent. Some people are comfortable with such an arrangement. Some are not.
5. If all else fails, be a standup person and end the relationship. Yes, it will upset your girlfriend, but so will cheating (because she will find out if you do).

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but you’re an adult and you have to make adult decisions. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Silvia,

I can’t tell you how bad an idea I think this is.

First of all, you’re still having sex every other weekend!  I went months and months and months at a time without sex (or even any contact whatsoever) before I requested counseling, begged, got angry, dropped hints and not until all of that happened did I even entertain the idea of cheating in my last relationship.

On top of that, cheating was the worst choice I made.  What I should’ve done was realized that the relationship didn’t satisfy my sexual/emotional needs and when addressing the issue failed, I should have walked away before I degraded myself to become the sneaky bastard I had to become to cheat on her.

Second of all, it’s health issues that are preventing even more frequent sexual interactions.  When/if this problem is alleviated when her health issues pass do you really want the cloud of guilt (assuming you’d feel guilt) looming over you for a 10 minute roll in the sack with a random stranger?

I don’t think every other weekend is unreasonable and question if perhaps the fact that you are considering cheating on her because of it, that maybe there are bigger issues brewing that you have not addressed.

Bottom line:  If it’s not working and she can’t do what you need to be satisfied, maybe you should consider leaving the relationship and spare her the heartache of finding out that some other person (male or female) was given the part of you that you promised to give her and her alone.

I hope you find your way,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Silvia,

You should wait. Would a one night stand really get it out of your system or would you just crave it more? Your partner needs you to stand by her side in her time of need. A one night stand, where you know she would never forgive you, is not worth risking your 4 year relationship. I empathize with your desire to fulfill your needs, but cheating on her will only make things worse in the long run. If you truly care for this person, then your desire to be with her and only her will outweigh your sexual needs. Would you want your partner to go out and fulfill her needs with someone else because you can’t? You must remember that you aren’t having sex because she doesn’t want too, but because she physically can’t due to her medical issues. Before you do anything, do as the old saying says, “Put yourself in my shoes. Until you’ve walked a day, then you will never know how I fee.” She loves you, don’t risk it on someone that means nothing.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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