Name: Giselle
Age: 30
Location: Brazil

Question: I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend. We actually broke up a few months ago, but got back together the same day. She is older than me, but she behaves like a teenager because of a psychotic condition. She is depressed and takes medicine for that and other problems related to it. She doesn’t have a job, what makes having a relationship really difficult, since we’re both grown women (I’m in my 30′s, she’s in her 40′s) and I cannot put myself in a place of supporting her all the time. We were together for 7 months and were in a kind of long distance relationship, although we live in the same state. I think the most difficult thing of this relationship was her emotional diseases and I tried, I really tried to get over this. I offered her my help, my emotional support, but it really got hard on me. It got to a point where she couldn’t even talk after taking too many pills (when she had a rough day) or she would start trembling because she forgot to take one of those pills. Sometimes I could even taste the medicine on her body. She didn’t really try to change, to get over her depression and I think she was actually used to being depressed and suicidal. The first time we broke up, I went back on my decision because I was afraid of hurting her, but I ended up hurting myself. My best friend tried to show me that this relationship was not healthy, but I ignored her (and we even got into huge fights because of that). Today, I decided it was time for me to end up this relationship, but I keep feeling like I’m hurting her and making her worse. I don’t love or feel attracted to her anymore, but I feel responsible for her, and that hurts me. I feel like I’m a bad person because I left someone that is already in a troubled emotional state. Did I do the right thing?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Giselle,

First off, you have to understand that mental illness and the forms it takes are unpredictable.  You can’t fix her.  And, she also can’t “try and get over it.”  It’s about physiology and chemistry of the body and brain.  Medicine works for some and not for other.  It works sometimes for those it works for and not at others. YOU CAN’T FIX IT.  Never stay because you don’t want to hurt someone.  That will screw you both over.  The rest of it – you feeling responsible and you worried about her feelings to an unhealthy level make me think you probably need to address those issues in therapy.  Go find a healthy partner.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Giselle -

You CANNOT take on the responsibility for others. I know it’s easy to do so, and you care abotu her even if you don’t want to be with her, but you just can’t be responsible for someone else, regardless of med, mental conditions, etc.  I used to date a woman who was on drugs and an alcoholic, and so I’d do everything I could to keep her safe, including getting up at 4am to go drive her home.  At a certain point, we all have to realize that we cannot be that responsible for someone else, or we will wind up losing or giving up part of ourselves. You did the right thing; you’re taking care of yourself, and allowing her to get the help she needs, from a therapist, from her family, from her friends.

Does this mean you didn’t love her at some point? No. Does it mean you don’t care about her now? No. It just means that you’re doing the right thing for both of you, because if you stayed, I feel you would have either burnt out, or grown to resent her for having to be responsible for her. At least now, you can both figure things out, and possibly even be friends.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Giselle

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away, especially in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship. She’s an adult and she’s responsible for her own life. If the relationship isn’t mutually satisfying and you’ve made a reasonable effort to work through the challenges, then it’s time to walk. You can’t fix her. And you deserve to be loved. You’re not her mother.
I’ve had to do that in relationships and more often than not, me ending the relationship was the catalyst for my exes to take charge of their lives. Codependency is no way to live.
Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.