Name: Princess
Age: 23
Location: Pennsylvania

QUESTION: Hi, i have been in a relationship for almost a year now and it is really good… except for the fact that my fiancée cannot stand my 4 year old daughter. I don’t know what to do or say to make her more patient and accepting of my daughter. she throws her on the back burner and is really mean to her and pushes her away from herself and ME whenever we are together. What should I do or say to change this or make it stop, Please i need help.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

This is very important:  Your daughter’s life is on the line.  How she views the world, how she thrives, how she will form relationships in the future.  Get to family therapy tomorrow – today if you can.  You have to get to the root of this issue, because it’s not going to get better.  If she refuses, leave immediately. Go to your parents, a friend’s, anywhere but there.  Verbal abuse has horrific side effects.  That is not love.  You are part of a package and your daughter is included in that package.  Settle for NOTHING less.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Princess-

You both need to be in therapy of some sort if you want this relationship to work. There really is no other answer, aside from ending it for the sake of your daughter.

There are many reasons she may be feeling hostile towards her (she’s taking your time, love, etc, she feels that the daughter was there first and she needs to compete, etc), but putting your daughter through emotional abuse? No ok, not ever.

So either go get therapy (if you don’t have insurance, or your insurance doesn’t cover it, lots of places over sliding scale mental heath case) and try to work out her problems with your daughter there, or leave. You owe it to yourself, and to your child, to be in a happy, abuse free relationship.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Princess,

My advice is short and simple. End the relationship. Now. Your fiancee has issues and you can’t change her. There is nothing you can do or say that will make her treat your daughter appropriately. Your first responsibility is to your children and that includes protecting your daughter from your fiancee’s verbal abuse. If you continue the relationship, you are complicit in your daughter’s abuse. Do the right thing. End the relationship.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Princess,

My first reaction, of course, was FUCK THAT! Your kid comes first!  Dump that bitch!

Ehem.

But, being a parent who’s had some similar experiences, well, I know it’s just not that easy.

So I’m going to say this:  Put her on notice that her behavior is unacceptable to you and that if she does not make an effort to change and to treat your daughter the way she treats your sons, then she needs to not be part of a ready-made family.  That she is not ready for it.

Think about how your daughter is going to feel — maybe not now — but later when she starts to feel like the odd one out and like she wasn’t loved by her and, by extension, you since you allowed the mistreatment to continue.

She didn’t ask to be born.  But she was and she’s your family and it’s your job to protect her.  Even at the risk of giving up your own happiness.

But, really, how happy could you be if you know your partner doesn’t love your children?  Doesn’t treat them well?  Ya know?

She may just have to move to the “woulda been great for me if…” category.

But first give her the chance to change. But if she doesn’t, be prepared to follow-through on your threat.

But follow-through you must… otherwise, you are all but saying that your happiness is far more important than that of the little life that puts her trust in you to have her back.

Here’s to you having the strength to do the right thing,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Princess,

I don’t have kids yet, but I do have an amazing 4 year old niece. If my girlfriend was in any way hurtful to her she would be out of my life in an instant.

I can’t imagine how anyone can be harmful to a child in any way shape or form. I would talk to your girlfriend one last time. Lay down the ground rules and tell her it’s all or nothing. How can she love you the right way if she treats your daughter with such distaste.

Remember, in this case it’s all or nothing!

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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