Name: Jenny
Age: 21
Location: CA

QUESTION:

Hello girls, and thanks for taking your time to read this. My name is Jenny and I’m 21 years old. I’ve always liked girls, but I was too afraid to admit it. I have been with two girls but always decided to break up because I felt so ashamed and I was scared of my parents finding out. I dated guys for a long time before I realized that it wasn’t going to work. I mean, they were nice and everything… but I was never able to feel that attraction, conection, or excitement I feel with girls. Last year I decided to take a break from everything so that I could clear up my mind and finally make sure of what I want. I didn’t date guys nor girls. Now, I got so caught up with school and work that I didn’t actually stop to think about this anymore, until I met her.

I met this girl at school and we started hanging out. She would come over to do homework and such; it was all fine. She had a girlfriend, so I obviously didn’t want to get involved. Two weeks after we started hanging out, we decided to go to the club. We had so much fun that night, she was the sweetest. We ended up kissing. I felt it wasn’t going to work because she had a girlfriend; however, she spends most of her time with me. She would call me all the time, text me all day long, say how much she missed and liked me. I remember when she told me that I wasn’t a one night stand and that she really liked me and didn’t want me to hurt her.

We kept seeing each other for like two weeks, and then all of sudden, she changed her attitude. She stopped texting, calling, being nice to me. It was like she just didn’t care anymore. She asked me to just be friends because she felt bad for her gf. I got really mad because I was so into her and she had told me that she didn’t like me just as a friend. But still, I said that it was okay. I asked her to please respect me and don’t try anything else, and I told her I’ll just treat her as a friend. She also told me that she wanted to be with me before but she felt like she was just my experiment because she’s not sure I’m a lesbian.

Well, the next day she called me and said she decided to leave her gf. She said she didn’t want to be with her because if she was with her, she can’t do what she really wants to do. I was really happy and thought everything was going to be allright. She asked me out; we had dinner and ended up at a strip club. To make it short, she met one stripper at the club. They started talking and stuff, and I was just silent. I didn’t know how to act. She left me alone sitting there for like 40 min while she was outside with that girl. I felt horrible and I asked her to take me home. When we got there, she tried to kiss me. I told her I was not going to kiss her because I didn’t like the way she was treating me. She apologized and said I was over reacting; she said she stopped texting and calling me because her boss was at work and she could get in trouble. She said she was acting different because she had a gf, but that now she’s free. Then she said she was glad I didn’t get mad because of the stripper thing. I was really mad, but I didn’t want to show her that I was jealous. We kissed and had sex that night. But this time it was so different, I didn’t feel she was being the same sweet girl she was before. When we said bye, she kissed me and I left. She texted me when she got home and texted me the day after twice, but I didn’t reply. Today I texted her saying sorry because I didn’t talk to her yesterday, I said I was busy. She just said “it’s cool.” I haven’t heard from her anymore..

I’m not sure what’s going on. As you can see, I don’t really have much experience with girls. I don’t understand why would she be so sweet to me and tell me how much she wanted to be with me, and then totally change. As I told her, if she doesn’t want me anymore, then she doesn’t have to call me and stuff. But she still texts sometimes, asks me out, and want to see me at school. Everybody tells me to stop seeing her, but it’s hard. I like her so much and I wish I could be with her. What should I do? Should I just let her go and stop talking to her? Is she just playing with me? Please help me!

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Jennifer,

Hi Jenny – Sorry this is happening. You have three issues here:

Are you a lesbian? My first therapist, upon my wondering whether I was “really lesbian” said basically, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. There is a continuum of sexuality. People your age sometimes shift as they try to figure it all out. Ask about 9 bazillion lesbians if they’d ever had sex with men and a good chunk would say yes. It’s expected. There is no bad route to getting to where you should be, as long as the train eventually arrives at the station. You alone get to decide what train to take. But, if you don’t ever feel a romantic emotional or physical connection with any man, you are probably a lesbian. I might pop into a little therapy and begin to understand that being a lesbian doesn’t make you “less than.” Be proud, but be careful.

What about my parents? You’re in California. They know about gay people, trust me. If you have a good relationship with them, then tell them if you think it’s safe. They will still love you. They might be confused, angry, or disappointed, but my guess is they’ll get over it. Help them by downloading information from http://www.familyacceptance.org and have that information available when you speak to them. At some point, you hopefully stop living the life your parents have in their minds for you, and live your life fully as you would choose to live it. They want you to be happy. Doesn’t mean there won’t be bumps, but honesty is almost always the best policy.

I think I’m in love with a girl who treats me disrespectfully, what do I do? You might be infatuated, but this sounds like she’s causing you a whole lot of pain. She cheats on her gf (which means she’ll probably cheat on you), she doesn’t “dance with the one who brought her” as evidenced by her display of absence with the stripper, and she seems heartened that you are willing to put up with her crap, which is evidenced by all of her behavior. This girl isn’t ready to settle down and won’t give you the respect you deserve. It’s hard, but let go now. Once you have it all figured out about loving yourself as a lesbian and dealing with your parents, go look for an actual grown up woman.

Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jenny,
As to whether a woman can be a lesbian after having been with men, the answer is yes. Sexuality is a wide spectrum and you get to adopt whatever labels most reflect how you see yourself.

As for your girlfriend, she cheated on her girlfriend with you. She’s cheating on you with other women. She’s not going to change no matter how much she promises she will. If you’re looking for a fulfilling, stable relationship, get off the cheater roller coaster and end the relationship. Don’t go back. There are many fish in the sea. Learn to love yourself and spend time getting to know yourself. You deserve better.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Jenny,

Don’t think just because this is a girl your dealing with doesn’t mean she doesn’t have the “game” usually only attributed to men. It sounds like this girl was a sweet and kind version of herself to maybe… um I dunno… get you in bed.

There’s no need to jump on the first train just because you’ve been away from the terminal. Slide back into the dating scene slowly. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket with this girl. If she ditches you for 40 minutes to talk with a stripper now what is she going to do a few months from now when she’s really board.

My advice would be to let go of her and start over new. Date men, date women, date whomever you need to. When love hits you you’ll know. And that’s the one you’ll want to stay with. Just don’t confuse lust with love. It’s a mistake far too many of us easily make. ]

Keep us posted!

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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