Name: Mimi
Age: 24
Location: TX

QUESTION:

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, and we are great together… We succeed together and we thrive as individuals. However, there is a skeleton in the closet that keeps popping out. My gf cheated on me with a girl two years ago and we worked it out. I later caught her conversing with the girl again (woman’s intuition, but she admitted it.) and I gave her back her ring and I broke up with her. Again, we worked it out.. started over, clean slate. She says she wasn’t cheating on me (which I know she wasn’t because we were out of the country) and that the girl was just a friendly ear. Now we are moving forward. We are purchasing a house, and things have never been better. She gave me all of her social network/email passwords and does everything I could ever want to show me she loves me and show me that I can trust her again. However… Recently, the girl tried to connect with her again through email. (She blocked her, but she got another account or something?) Anyways, all of the old insecurities and mistrusts came crashing back in. My gf says I shouldn’t be mad at her but the girl because she can’t control what she does. I feel that the girl would not keep trying to contact her unless the contact was reciprocated (ie, the last time.) I have no proof or really any feelings on the matter. I just don’t know what to think. I guess I simply really don’t trust the situation. Am I overreacting? Its breaking my heart a little just to see that after all this time, the girl won’t stay out of our lives. I try to forget what happened, and I can’t.

The worst part is, my gf was so sexually verbal with this girl (racy texts, sexy compliments, ect) and I don’t really get any of that… she acts sort of prude with me. She says that she respects me more. But it makes me feel unattractive and sexually isolated. I know I look better now – physically -than when we started dating (I’m a confident femme, but I know my faults. And I work really hard to stay fit and try not to slum it) but I feel so unattractive and frustrated (you know what I mean) and I don’t know what to do. I think I’m a little jealous of the girl, just because she got something so easily from my gf that I feel I may never have. What did she have that I don’t? Should I just give up?

Our relationship is so beautiful and she’s my everything and I know I’m her’s too. We discuss the future all the time, and we are working toward it. But this one thing is eating me alive. I know the girl is a total skeeze and attempted girlfriend-poacher. I want to believe my girl, and for the most part I do. But what to do when I’m still mistrustful? Not to mention my self-confidence is fragile at best… and I NEVER used to be that way. I really REALLY love her. Please PLEASE shed some light on this. Everyone I know only sees that we are great together.. I just don’t think anyone understands how I really feel. I don’t want to give her up, but I half want to give up…. and I don’t want to be hurt again.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

A cheating lover brings up all kinds of stuff and it goes on and on.  You may someday reach a level of trust, but doubtful you will ever trust her looking through your rose-colored glasses again.  Because of your particular situation, you will run into times when you will be traveling for business and she might get lonely, looking for someone to satisfy that sexy, provocative side she has she doesn’t show to you – maybe on the computer, maybe in person.   You will never know for sure.  But, she has a need for that kind of expression and for some reason, she can’t do that with you.  Having such an event occur early in a relationship makes it difficult to build a strong foundation.

First, because of your job, and because I speak from very similar experience, don’t buy a house right now.  There’ll be time for that later.  Also, because of the state you live in, your rights as a couple are limited.  If you do proceed, spend the money for an attorney and have a private contract drawn up as to how it will go down and what will happen if/when you break up regarding any shared assets, including the house.  Your job may transfer you unexpectedly and you will need something in place.

I usually recommend therapy – for you and for you as a couple, to help you understand what you need and how you can give it to each other to create a satisfying relationship.  I do so now.  While all your friends think you make the perfect couple, it sounds to me like you’ve got a lot of pain.

There is one way you can get this interloper out of your life.  Ask you girlfriend to communicate with her one more time.  In writing.  Ask her to be explicit that she not be contacted again.  And, that if she does attempt to contact her, she will go to the authorities and discuss stalking charges.

Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Mimi -

Trust is an incredibly fragile thing, and once broken, can be incredibly difficult to re-establish.  That said, it sounds like your girlfriend is trying to do everything she can to re-establish bonds.

She’s right — it’s not her fault the other girl is contacting her. I’ve had former hook-ups contact me, from multiple venues, even though I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. If she’s blocked her and given you all of her info (and this girl is still trying to get to her at her current address? That’s a good sign that she didn’t make a secret NEW email to talk to her), she’s being (in my mind) as open and honest as she can be.

The next part is up to you; do YOU think you can rebuild and re-establish that trust? Does what she is doing now balance out what has happened in the best? Can you eventually trust her again? If any of those answers are solid NOs, then this relationship needs to end. If they are maybes or yeses, then I’d really suggest seeing a queer friendly couples counselor/therapist to work on re-creating the trust.

As far as addressing the dirty talk, I think that’s a conversation you two need to have together. Tell her exactly what you told us, that you are feeling unattractive and sexually isolated. Tell her that while it’s nice to hear that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, sometimes you want to be told how much she wants to lick your wet pussy, or fuck you in the stairwell. It’s possible she wants to tell you these things, but is worried you’ll be offended. Communication is key.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Mimi,

It is a difficult situation. You love someone, but she betrayed your trust in the past. How do you re-establish that trust? Can you re-establish that trust? It’s possible, but there are no guarantees. Only you can decide whether the risks are worth the rewards.

Keep in mind that you cannot control her. You can’t control whether she cheats or not. So don’t try. Just focus on becoming the best person you can be; not for her sake, but for yours. Let go of negativity. Let go of resentments. Let go of judgments. As resentments and judgments come up, tell yourself that you are willing to let them go. Doing so makes more room for love. That doesn’t guarantee she won’t cheat, but it improves your odds.

No matter what happens, love yourself. Your worth isn’t based on whether you are in a relationship or not. As you love yourself and honor yourself, your life will improve. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Mimi,

I’m a jealous soul.

So in reading about your issue, I was taken back by the fact that she got back in contact with the girl she cheated on you with.

Now… people make mistakes.  Everyone does.   I believe a one-night stand could possibly be a mistake.  An affair is not.

I think that if someone gets back in contact with someone that they cheated on their partner with — for any reason — than they are not honest about their desire to end it.  Knowing that she was “weak” with this person before, she needs to cut her out of her life completely and permanently.

The fact that that girl even had a round two makes me think that you’ll never (or at least not for a loooooooooooooooooong, long time) be able to feel safe that your relationship is cheat-free.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense here or not — but I guess what I’m trying to say is that since you’ve decided to stay with her, then you need to try to blindly trust that she won’t betray you again.  Living in constant fear of being left or cheated on is a miserable existence and if you can’t stop watching her every move, I’d say get out of the relationship.

Truly,

Tina-cious

p.s. I think that whole thing about not talking in a sexy way with you because she “respects you more” is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.

Ehem… but that’s just me.

Kelly Leszczynski

On vacation until July 13th

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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