Name: Amanda
Age: 24
Location: Edmonton

QUESTION:

So my gf and I of 1.5 years broke up over the May 24 weekend, which also happened to be the weekend of her 30th birthday. Our relationship has never been butterflies and daisies although we had our days. Our relationship has always been Amanda you did this wrong and you did this wrong. My friends, when I had them (1.5 years ago) said it looked like this, dance puppet dance! They even played with the strings in the air! The few friends that I did have left enjoyed her, thought that she was funny but still moody and controlling. Here is the thing! When we would fight, we would fight!

Yelling, screaming, she would throw vases on the floor, or plant holders, I would punch walls; it is like we triggered each other. But when we were in love it was magic! I am telling you fire works. She keeps bringing up old things, like we took a break and I slept with someone, which is thrown in my face. I moved to Edmonton, from Calgary for my job, which is thrown in my face. Although I drive to her every weekend without fail. I cannot have friends; she thinks I am cheating on her. Although she is sending lingerie pictures to her ex boyfriend and pictures of her looking half naked to her ex girlfriend. Am I wrong to think that she is pushing cheating because she is doing it?

Why do I continue to want to be with this girl? Why am I so in love when everyone around me says I am getting trampled on?

Can you tell me something to make me stop answering her calls?

And tell me how to get her to stop threatening me? She keeps telling me she is going to email my boss, or call the cops and tell them horrible things. What do I do?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Amanda,

Obsession is a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.  Passion is intense and flows in heady ecstasy one direction and unhealthy drama the next.  You know it’s not logical, but to say you can’t stop is not true.  You can.  And you must.  You are both displaying abusive behavior and it’s not sustainable.  Just quit.  You can quit her, you can.  And do it now.  Don’t respond to any emails or phone calls.  Don’t answer her knock.  Don’t travel back.  If you have stuff at her place, have a friend make arrangements to pick it up.  Or  you can choose to keep this up and wonder why, when you finally get it, that you wasted so much time.  Take it on faith you deserve better than an abusive, threatening, jealous woman.

Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Cut off all contact.  This is a dangerous situation, if she is threatening your job, your safety, to call the cops, etc. This is not love, this is not passion, this is dangerous, period.

Block her number if you have to. Send her emails to spam. If she continues to harass and threaten you, you can take out a restraining order that includes phone calls.

Amanda, your ex is bad news, period.  Please, for your own mental and physical safety, please please please let her go. And if you can, please get yourself into therapy, because it sounds like you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship and will need some help to heal from this.

Please take care of yourself,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Amanda,

Ultimately, only you know why you have remained in an abusive relationship for this long. But I can make an educated guess, because I, too, remained in an abusive relationship for a few years. A lot of women (straight, gay and bi) have been through that, so take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

The clinical term for this dynamic is codependency. In other words, you look to others to determine your self-worth. You may even go so far as to try to figure out how to manipulate your abusive girlfriend into treating you better by saying the right words or doing the right thing, not rocking the boat, always trying to prove to her that you’re a good person. But really, you’re trying to prove to YOURSELF that your a good person. Often these dysfunctional relationships echo a dysfunctional relationship with one or both of your parents. (Sorry to get all Freudian on ya!)

But there is hope! Change is possible and you may very well be on your way.

First of all, I would highly recommend getting involved with Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). It is an international organization based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. They were a big help for me in reclaiming my self-worth. You can find meetings in Edmonton and surrounding areas at http://www.cdrs.ca/Meetings/alta.html#edmonton.

You may also want to speak with a therapist/psychologist who can help you sort through these issues. Keep in mind that recovery from abusive relationships and from codependency is a slow process. You didn’t get this way overnight and it will take time to heal the emotional wounds. I would strongly advise you to stay out of any romantic relationships for the next year or so as you work on your recovery. Otherwise, you are likely to get back in a similar or worse situation. Most codependents find that their picker (that part of your brain that finds people attractive) is broken. Trust me on this!

As for your girlfriend’s threats, you might want to consult with an attorney/barrister or a police officer. You may also want to look into getting a peace bond (similar to a restraining order in America). You can find information about this at http://www.ehow.com/how_4827846_file-restraining-order-canada.html. You have a right to protect yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Trust the process, Amanda. Think of this break up as a wonderful new start. Enjoy the warming temperatures of spring and summer. Your new life is about to begin!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Amanda,

It seems like there is a lot going on here. You seem like you need some more self esteem. Your ex seems like she has some insecurities and some anger issues. The first step I would take would be to cut off all contact. Love is not about broken vases and mental abuse. Your friends tried to tell you that and I’m hoping that now you know you should have listened to them.

You may have heard this before, but you deserve better. Once you are in a healthy relationship you will see that what you have been putting up with is not how things are supposed to be. If you can I would get into therapy or find a support group in your area. Reconnect with some of your old friend and use them for support while you are detoxing from what you think is love. Whatever you do, don’t let her convince you that you are wrong for leaving. Yes, the good times my have been good, but they don’t make up for the bad times.

Please take care of yourself and keep us updated.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.