Name: Lanee
Age: 22
Location: Baton Rouge, LA

QUESTION:

I’m a senior in college. Ever since I hit puberty (at the glorious age of 9), I’ve always been “interested” in women. About 6 months ago, I finally admitted to myself that I am sexually attracted to women. I’m not sure if I’m bi or gay or whatever and I really don’t care about the label.

However, my problem is that I was raised in a conservative Southern Baptist family, I live in the deep south and the majority of people I know are adamantly against the “homosexual lifestyle.” On top of this most people I know believe that it is a choice (many of my friends), that it’s a disease (like my grandparents), or that it is a symptom due to sexual assault/abuse (my parents).

I don’t really have a “safe place” to go or talk to anyone. After several offers from people to cast the “demonic infestations” out, I’ve just sort of shut up about it and tried to ignore it. But I’m miserable trying to make others happy and denying who I am.

I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman, and I’ve been in too many relationships with men so part of me feels like I don’t have the right to call myself a lesbian since I’ve never been with a woman.

Regardless, I can’t help the way I feel. In some ways I just need my feelings validated but I could use some resources if you have any.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Lanee –

You don’t have to have sex with a woman to be a lesbian.  It’s part of who you are, not just what you do.  Just like you don’t have to have had sex with men to know if you’re straight.

The biggest issue here is that you need to download all of the things you described in your letter with an independent third party.  I don’t know where you go to school, but for example, at LSU there is a counseling center that offers mental health services including short-term therapy.  There are other sliding scale services available at places like Capital Area Human Services. There is also an MCC where you can go to find others of faith who may have gone through similar experiences – you can connect with your greater community.
Many, many queers ultimately leave towns like the one you describe, but many stay and come to a place where they are comfortable in their skin and can move in their community freely as an out person.  Those are all choices you can make once you have a better understanding of what you’re feeling and how you want to proceed.

Best of luck!
Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Lanee –

I went to my partner for help on this one, as they are an LGBTQ resource coordinator at a large university.  Here are some thoughts and ideas. Please keep in mind that YOU are an amazing person, regardless of what has happened to you, or what people say to you.  There are ways to get support outside of your local community; online, on the phone, via email, etc. As far as identity; identity is what YOU choose it to be, not who you’ve loved or kissed or had sex with. Call yourself whatever term(s) feels right for you, and know that this can always change.

First resource I would suggest would be to e-mail or even CALL someone from The association of welcoming and affirming baptists http://www.wabaptists.org/ From there, perhaps you can find someone to talk to, maybe find a welcoming church near you, or even support groups.

Sometimes it’s not about the religion persay and it’s more about just being supported by someone. I think we underestimate the value of PFLAG on many communities, especially rural and/or conservative ones. http://community.pflag.org/ is a link to the main site, there is probably a chapter close by you, or at least accessible via phone/email. The great thing about PFLAG is while it’s for families and friends, it’s also for LGBTQ identified folks as well. A great place to find affirmation from a group or even an older individual who may act as a parental figure who can provide you the love and affirmation one needs, once a month at a meeting.

The state probably has an LGBT resource center or something similar. While it may not be in the immediate area, they should be available via email or phone. They may even be able to connect you to some local folks. Maybe even a local university (non-religious affiliated) will have some resources.

Google is amazing. You can key word anything from Lesbian baptist, trans mormon, etc and find some resources. As you know; blogs, facebook and other social media outlets are great ways to find support. Start a twitter, and look for other lesbian/queer identified people. Check out blogs like GenderFork.com, Sugarbutch.net, etc. Look on their blogrolls to find other blogs with LGBTQ writers. There is a huge community out there, and once you become part of it, I think you’ll find a lot of the support you’re looking for. Also, check out http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource, and http://www.gendercentre.org.au/index.htm.

Best of luck. Please remember to love yourself and never give up hope,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Lanee,

Your feelings are valid. If you’re attracted to women, then that’s as normal as people being born left-handed. It’s just who you are. And feel free to use whatever label to describe yourself that feels right to you. A lot of lesbians have had relationships with men before coming out. And if you find that you are attracted to both men and women, there’s nothing wrong with identifying as a bisexual.

As far as connecting with others in your area, you might check out the Capital City Alliance at http://www.ccabatonrouge.org/. It might offer you a way to connect, to share and validate your feelings and find guidance into living your own life.

Coming out in a homophobic family is tough. I was a member of an ultra-conservative church in Georgia when I came out in the early 1990s. I lost a lot of family and friends, but developed new friendships with people who loved and accepted me just as I was. In time, many of those who abandoned me have come back to be my friends.

Remember that you are worth loving. Be safe. Learn how to reach out in ways that are safe (cruising the bars isn’t always the best idea, in my opinion). Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Lanee~

I feel like regret steals little parts of our souls. You simply can’t let those around you dictate who you love. The ability to love is a gift given to all of us. My first reaction would be to move. Get yourself out of where you are so you can follow your heart without any obstacles.  If you are unable to move I would make the interwebs your friend. Read up on sites, find people that feel the same way you do. You’ve taken a great first step by publishing your question on TLL.

Trust that you are not alone in this. There are many women that have come before you and many girls that will come after. My hope is that you will find the courage to live the life that is best for you. If you ever need to talk we are always here.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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