Name: between the men…
Age: 21
Location: ON

QUESTION:

How, as a “straight woman” in a relationship with a man, and a one year old son, should I come out to my boyfriend?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Between the Men,

Your body goes through some incredible changes during the birth of a child as do your hormones and the chemicals in your brain.  This sounds like there might be some added complications you may wish to explore with a therapist and perhaps a pointed conversation with your GP about the possibility your hormones haven’t balanced out – I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, I just play one on the Internet.

From the limited information you provided, it’s hard to say if you have a coming out issue or a health issue.  I’d delay telling your boyfriend anything other than “I’m trying to work through this and am going to the doctor and a therapist to figure it out.”  Then go.

Best of luck!
Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Dear BTM,

It sounds to me like you’re going through a bit of an identity crisis, and trying to figure out who you are, who you’re attracted to, and how you feel about your boyfriend.  It seems as though, regardless of orientation, you’re not currently attracted to you current boyfriend/partner. Now, that’s ok, but you need to figure out what to do about it; are you ok not being sexually active and staying in a relationship with him? Is he ok with that?  Perhaps you need to end this relationship to figure out who you are, before you go pursuing another relationship.

Or maybe, you’re wanting to stay with your boyfriend, and also look at having a relationship with this other woman. Have you ever thought about polyamory/consensual monogamy? If that is a path you’re looking at pursuing, I’d suggest reading Opening Up (by Tristan Taormino) and The Ethical Slut.

Finding yourself and your identity is difficult, but it sounds like you’re well on your way.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear between the men,

On your question of how to tell your boyfriend, there isn’t one right way. When dealing with identity crises, it can be helpful to have professional guidance, i.e. a professional therapist or psychologist with experience/training in sexuality issues. Sometimes issues of sexual identity can become complicated by other issues (dealing with the stresses of being a parent, past incidents of sexual trauma, etc.) A professional can help you sort out the issues.

If it comes down to you deciding that you are a lesbian, the best approach is to be honest about your feelings, i.e. your attraction to women. He will most likely be hurt, he may feel angry or betrayed. Not much you can do about that. The one thing I would caution you against is getting romantically involved with someone before ending it with your boyfriend. There is never an excuse to cheat, not even in an attempt to explore one’s identity.

Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.