TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #72

Jul
2010

TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #72

Name: Ana B
Age: 29
Location: Detroit

QUESTION:

I am 29 years old and have been for over 2 years now fantasizing about being with another woman. I have always led a straight life style, but have been attracted to women in the last few years. Lately, I can’t help my wondering eyes. Long ago, I have come to terms with my feelings in the sense that I allowed myself to be attracted (and to look when nobody would notice), but I never acted on my feelings. I do not think I can do that much longer. I believe I would like to go out on a date with a woman. And this is where I get stuck–I am fairly good-looking and am always approached by men. NEVER have I been approached by another woman. Also, I NEVER know if a woman is gay or not. So, the situation to me pretty much seems hopeless. I do not know how to get rid of the men, so I can start attracting the women, nor do I know which women are potentially interested. As I am somewhat sporty, I find feminine women attractive. So, how can I tell if a woman is gay? And how in the world do I “get out there”? And where is “out there”, anyhow?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Ana – You can visit lesbian events and venues (there are more than the bar) and can locate them by hitting the Internet. You are sure to find lesbians in those places. GLBT centers frequently have “coming out” groups and you will find a potential treasure trove of like-minded women who are also taking their first dip into the pool that might provide a level of comfort. Lesbians are of all stripe, including femme. You might also try dating via the Internet. It’s a good way to ease into a date. Or a million coffee dates. About the only difference between finding a guy you want to date or a girl is the guy or girl. When you find one that’s interesting, ask her out.

Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Ana B -

There is no way of just “telling” someone’s sexuality or orientation. Even is someone is a woman attracted to a woman, it doesn’t make her gay. She could identify as straight, bi-curious, bisexual, pansexual, try-sexual, heteroflexible, fluid, queer, open minded. Same goes for for straight men having to guess whether a woman is attracted to men at all, and even if she is, whether she is attracted to him. Best way to find out? Start a convo, and ask. You don’t have to ask her out right away, but slip in some questions as to who she likes/doesn’t like, whether you might be her type, etc.

You’ll probably have more luck if you frequent places with more women interested in women; lesbian poker night, LGBTQ clubs/events/coffee houses, politcal rallies on issues important to this community, etc. It might also help in “getting rid” of some of the men hitting on you.

Best of luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Ana,

My advice to you is to get involved with the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi and trans) community and find people with similar interests whether its camping or going to movies or ice fishing. There is a community center in Ferndale on the north side of town. On their website at www.goaffirmations.org/, they have a list of organizations and activities going on. Get involved. Make friends. Have fun. And romance will take care of itself in time.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Hi Ana,

First, something that caught my eye about your post was “As I am somewhat sporty, I find feminine women attractive”. I thought that was funny.

There are “sporty” women that like other “sporty” women so don’t be too surprised if when you do “get out there” you are approached by them! LOL

Anyway, it’s tough when you are not in the community to find out where we all are… I’d say your first step is to find your local community online. Look for LGBT community centers in your area. Get involved. It looks like there’s one in Ferndale which google maps says is about 16 mins from you. Here’s the link: http://www.goaffirmations.org/site/PageServer

If you go to some events and start making friends maybe you can find someone to go to the local clubs with… not that I think that you’ll necessarily find love at the club… but at least you’ll be in queer waters and the assumption that the women around you are possible dates are higher.

It’s definitely the best place to start!

Good luck!

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Hi Ana,

Lucky for you I live in a suburb north of Detroit. Keep in mind that all you need to do is befriend one lesbian and many times that one lesbian will lead you to many more. So what you need to do is find “the one!” I would start by looking for a friend. Someone that you can talk to about your feelings and who will understand.

How you find this person is up to you. You could go to some of the local gay bars. Stiletto’s, The Rainbow Room, 9, or Como’s just to mention a few. It’s been a while, but if memory serves me right, every first Wednesday of the month is “ladies night” at Como’s. It’s a restaurant/bar that is really laid back and packed full of women on those nights.

The most important thing is to put yourself out there to meet more people who may lead you to what you are looking for. The worst that can come out of it is a friendship. Good luck and feel free to contact me if you have any more questions.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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Comments

2 Responses to TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #72

Thank you, ladies! Your comments are much appreciated, as well as your time.
I am aware that there are lesbian bars. I have never had the courage to visit one and I still lack it. I presume, I would feel awkward being by myself in such an unfamiliar environment. Also, I would not want anybody seeing and recognizing me. I am embarrassed to say so, yet it is true. Call me a coward…I just do not want people to presume things about me that I do not know myself. Does that make sense? None of this makes much sense to me, so I would not be surprised if I lost you, too.
I will take things slowly. I guess, expressing my thoughts here should be a step in the right direction. Considering I have never put my thoughts into words before (yet again I take the cowardly route and write instead of saying this out loud!), this is progress.

Tina,

in response to “There are “sporty” women that like other “sporty” women so don’t be too surprised if when you do “get out there” you are approached by them! LOL”–well, I will be surprised if approached by ANY woman. This is virgin territory for me! By the way, even though I consider myself sporty, others really do not. I dress very feminine, especially when going out. But I am still sporty!!

Kelly,

I live in a suburb north of Detroit, too. If I see you around, I will make sure to say hello!

Reply – Quote

by Ana B on July 22nd, 2010 at 12:14 AM

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My first girlfriend (who is currently my future wife) and I did not meet until I was 27. She was not the first girl I had been with, though, because I knew from early on I was attracted to women, but afraid to make that final step to really be a “lesbian” – so I went with guys who didn’t mind another girl in the bedroom. I think that was pretty cowardly on my part.

I think the advice to find one lesbian friend, or at least a friendly gay boy, is excellent. For me, it was my little sister – how embarassing – but she had courage to come out before I did! Then I was curious about these places for real lesbians and began frequenting them (ironically enough, encouraged by the freaky boyfriend of the day), and eventually met my girlfriend. When I did, and we were together and dating… I knew and was so glad I had the courage to finally seek her out.

Some other places to look are of course the internet dating sites, but also meetup.com has lots of lesbian/gay centered events that focus on something else – like lesbians who like to run, or gay church or one in my area – lesbian dog owners. From the perspective of someone afraid to come out for most of my life, I think those events are less stressful – you just sort of show up and meet who you meet – possibly a friend to help you explore other venues (there’s a lot to be said for committed couples as friends – they love to help others . Other events would be concerts, drag shows, karaoke etc at lesbian/gay bars – these are usually populated by many hetero-friends, so you might feel more comfortable, in case you don’t get the courage to talk to anyone. Speaking from experience, don’t be scared when someone talks to you and comes on to you – just be open about yourself. Trust me, I discovered many women willing to help me overcome my hetero/bi ways when visiting bars, and they appreciated me being honest.

Of course, the biggest problem was coming out – my sister (a drag prince – not quite king yet) was so completely shocked, she didn’t want to talk to me for a while. But she got over it – even my mom got over it and is now hatching plans for my GF and I to have babies.

Hope that helps give you a little insight from one coward to another. Trust me, if your heart is leading you that way and you feel that little skip when a gorgeous woman walks in, then it’s worth pursuing.

Reply – Quote

by Kate on July 29th, 2010 at 5:53 PM