Name: Roni
Age: 50
Location: Houston

QUESTION:
My daughter who is 30 just divorced and is now with a hard fem? I just want to understand the “roles.” My daughter is a girly girl..I have no problem with her being gay its just that the girl she is with is very controlling and her ex husband also was. Her partner has been out for 35 years and is acting like this is her first rodeo and I know that is a lie…so any information on this would be helpful thanks.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Roni,

Roles don’t have anything to do with this in the “name the type of lesbian” kind of way.  We often repeat the same relationship mistakes over and over until the pain becomes great enough to make a change.  Your daughter is 30.  She’s an adult.  It’s not your business but it doesn’t mean you don’t care.  And, your daughter will never learn a lesson unless she learns it herself.  As a mom, I would encourage her to seek some professional assistance in understanding herself and her choices, but beyond that, you’re just going to have to let her carry on her own life.  Be there when she needs help being picked up.  And encourage her again to get help.

Good luck!
Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Roni -

Roles have nothing to do with what you’re talking about. It sounds like your daughter has a history of being with controlling partners, regardless of their gender and orientation. If this is something you’re concerned about, I’d suggest you help her find a good therapist, support group, or reading material, as domestic violence can be just as much an issue in the LGBTQ community as in straight communities.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Roni,

First let me commend you for your support of your daughter’s sexuality and your concern for her safety.

We have a few different issues going on here, based on what you’ve shared—namely, the issue of “roles”, control issues and possible trust issues.

As far as roles are concerned, there are no assigned roles. The butch/femme dichotomy is a stereotype, although one that some lesbians choose to adopt. But lesbian relationships are not dictated by that. Just as straight women adopt a wide range of complex identities, so do lesbians. There are butch lesbians. There are femme lesbians. But most of us are a mix of both in terms of our appearance, interests, activities, skills and identity. You can have women with short-cropped hair who wear makeup, love to knit, watch Lifetime movies and who repair cars for a living. Likewise, you can have a woman with longer hair who works as a chemist, wears no makeup, has several kids and coaches the Little League team. Okay, I think we’ve done that to death. Let’s move on.

You mention that your daughter’s girlfriend is controlling, just like her ex-husband. First, let me say this has nothing to do with the girlfriend being butch. It is simply a control issue. The fact that her previous relationship was also with a controlling person suggests that your daughter may have some self-esteem issues that attracts her to controlling people. When we don’t think we are loveable, we attract people who echo that belief and who treat us accordingly. Do these relationships bear any resemblance to your daughter’s relationship with her father? Often (but not always) that is the case.

Keep in mind that you have no control over who your daughter chooses to be with. You can express your love for her and your concern about the controlling, but that’s it. Until she is ready to address the issues, she will remain in the relationship or start a new relationship just like it. Somehow there is a payoff for her. The payoff may be nothing more than her girlfriend validating your daughter’s sense of powerlessness or worthlessness (even if she is neither). Her girlfriend may also genuinely love her, in spite of the controlling behavior. It’s hard to say.

Personally, I found Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love very helpful as well as the 12-step group Codependents Anonymous. But again, she has to be the one to get help for her own sake. She has to see the problem. Some people have to sink pretty low before they are willing to see their situation differently.

Finally, there are the trust issues. Those are strictly between your daughter and her girlfriend. If she is indeed untrustworthy, presenting herself as something she is not, then your daughter will have to realize that on her own. Nagging her about it will only make her dig in her heels against you.

It’s difficult to watch a loved one, especially a child, in an unhealthy situation.  But the best thing we can do is let them know of our concern (without constant nagging) and of our unconditional love and availability. You want her to know that if things get too out of hand in the relationship, she can turn to you for support, not just an “I told you so”.

Trust the process. Pray for peace and healing for all involved, if you are a spiritual person.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Roni,

First of all, I’d like to tell you how great it is to hear that you are supportive of your daughter coming out.  It’s such a relief to queer folk when our families support us and I’m so glad to hear that you are doing so.

As for the “roles”… well… there aren’t any.  Don’t get me wrong… some of us do fall neatly into gender-roles (butch or masculine men being the “bread winners” while their feminine counter-parts stay home and cook and clean) but that’s just a small percentage of us… queer relationships range from 100% conformity to gender norms all the way to 100% non-conformity to gender roles and then everything in between.

It sounds to me like your daughter has some sort of low self-esteem where she is drawn to overly controlling people.  Some people enjoy the control others have so they don’t have to make any decisions.

One of my best friends is like that.  She feels safer/more comfortable when the decisions are out of her hands.  But when the time comes for her to make her own decisions she panics and insists she can’t do it.

It sounds to me like you don’t think much of this new suitor for your daughter.  I’d be careful to not share too much of this dislike with your daughter so that she doesn’t pull away from you.

If it’s a mistake, time will tell… Honestly, to me, I’ve rarely seen anyone stay with their first girlfriend after having come out so that may play in your favor.

Good luck!

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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