Name: Danny
Age: 21
Location: Asia

QUESTION:

hi all…

I have been wanting to pour my heart out to someone who will listen and not criticize me for who I am.

this is my first time writing to tll so i don’t really know how to start, but here goes…

I come from a rather old fashioned family with rather domineering parents. my parents separated when I was 12 and later got divorced. My only elder sister was always away at boarding school so she never really had to experience the constant fighting and hell I faced at home. I since I was a teen, I always knew I had a thing for girls, I enjoyed guy’s company and relish their attention but never really had much interest in them, they were all buddies to me. I did have a boyfriend and we lasted for 2 years. Within that time, I was also crushing over a girl at school. I didn’t have the courage to pursue her.

After my break up with my ex boyfriend, I went in and out of relationships with both guys and girls, I was really confused about my sexuality. But among all that I had a girlfriend which I met in summer camp, that was the first time I ever felt I was following my heart instead of what my parents expected of me. I loved her very much but my parents found out about our relationship and forced me to break up with her. they said it was religiously wrong and I had to pay for what I had done. Being only 17 at that time, I had to obey. I felt I was stupid enough to admit that I was in a gay relationship for I knew my parents are very strict and conservative. I just thought that they loved me enough to accept me for who I am. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Even my only sister whom I adored went against me when I needed her the most. I was devastated and that was one of the hardest point of my life. I have never blamed my family, I knew they were just looking out for me but I felt I had to be very careful after that. My ex gf and I kept in contact and met up secretly as my parents would check on me and screen my phone calls and text messages every now and then. We held on secretly for almost 2 years.

I met another girl when I was 18. There was something in her that I was really attracted to. She was the shy and quiet type but we got along really well, she became my best friend and a person who I could pour my problems to. I was really happy being with her. I talked to her about my ex gf a lot, and she knew that I was very much still in love with my ex. One day, my ex told me she was leaving for good as she felt our relationship had become a burden and was seeing another guy so she decided to be with him instead. I fell into a deep depression and couldn’t get out of it for months after that. I hid my emotions from my parents, I hid everything from them as I felt I could no longer trust them and instead cried my heart out several times to my best friend. She was always there for me.

Eventually, we fell for each other and I began pouring all my love on to her. I didn’t care whether or not I was on a rebound, I just knew I was falling more deeply in love with her every day after that.

I’ve been with this girl for over 3 years now and we have kept our relationship in secrecy since the beginning. I am her first love so everything was a first time to her. I love her with all my heart, she is everything to me and vice versa. As all relationships, we had our problems. She didn’t want her family or friends finding out about us (neither did I ) so I was cast in the shadows for almost all the time. I didn’t mind it at first but it gets annoying after being secondary to everything after 3 years. My main problem with her is that she does not give herself willingly to me, physically. She would find excuses not to make love and had even rejected my advances many times. I felt that half the time I had to force myself on her. It felt so wrong. We broke up and got back together countless times. But the cooling off period gets longer and longer each time. The last time we broke up, it took us more than 3 months to get back together. And if not because of my nervous breakdown (due to the mounting study and peer pressure in the university and the ongoing depression after the break up) she wouldn’t have realized that she still loves me and wants me back in her life. I long so much to touch her and hold her. We hadn’t been intimate since we got back together and I didn’t dare to make a move in case she would break up with me again. I talked to her about this and she admits she isn’t ready for a sexual relationship and regrets ever giving into me in the first place. I felt really insulted but I didn’t wanna stir up any problems again. I was just so glad we got back together. So I gave her my word that will not rush into our relationship and I will respect her decision. But how can I satisfy my lust and passion for her and yet maintain the distance that she wants? Should I respect her wishes and “practice celibacy”? Casual sex is not an option for me as I am a one partner type and only want to make love to the one I actually love. So my sex life is idle and it is really frustrating. I’m just afraid it might lead to a bed death. Apart from that, I have to face the facts that one day real soon, I will have to break the news to my family and to her family as well. I really dread the day of our coming out. Honestly, I have no idea how am I going to go about this and what catastrophes will follow. My parents would probably disown me this time. I am truly at the crossroads of my life. As in a poem by Robert Frost

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

Should I follow my heart, take the road less traveled by, and make a difference?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Out of the office

Lori
Our Big Gayborhood

Shanna Katz

Danny-

First of all, my heart goes out to you, and your partner, for what has clearly been an incredibly trying time in coming out, dealing with your family, etc. The fact that you’re still the seemingly amazing person you are is a testament to your strength.

That said, you need to figure out how important the physical/sexual aspect of your relationship is. If you’re ok with how things are, then that’s that. However, I don’t think you’d be writing for advice if everything was fine.

Firstly, I know you talk about being a one person kind of person, but I’d suggest reading Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. It talks about needs, getting needs met, how often times one partner cannot meet (nor should have to) all of your needs. Just read it with an open mind.

That said, once you’ve figured out how important sexual activity is to you, then you can figure out what to do next. If it turns out it’s pretty important, even an eventual deal breaker, let her know. Perhaps if the two of you were able to find a therapist, you might be able to work through some things and come to a compromise. Therapists are ethically bound to keep your secrets, well, secret, so you need not worry about discovery.

And in the end, if sex is very important to you, and she is not interested in being sexually active for whatever her reason(s), that may be the time to look at ending this relationship as what it is, and perhaps keeping it on as a good friendship.

Good luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Danny,

First, in regards to your girlfriend, I would suggest letting her go and looking for someone who is more compatible. She may still be struggling with her sexual identity. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it creates a burden for you and your relationship with her. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for anyone.

As to coming out to your family, it depends. If you are still living under their roof or are financially dependent on them, you may want to hold off. If you are on your own, with your own income, then feel free. But be prepared for them to react the same way as before, with disapproval. It may result in you losing contact with them for a long time, perhaps indefinitely. There is no way of knowing how someone will react, but if they reacted badly before, it is unlikely they would have changed their views on homosexuality unless they have made major changes in other areas of their lives.

In my life, I have found that the challenges we face are less about right and wrong and more about simply choices and consequences. Be willing to accept the consequences of your choices. If you stay with your girlfriend, do so with the knowledge that she’s not going to change her intimacy issues any time soon or ever. If you leave, take responsibility for that decision as well.  Same goes with coming out to your family. You can’t control how someone else behaves. All you can control is your mind and your actions. Just be the best person you can be and seek out people who love you for who you are.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Danny,

I’d say before you make major steps towards coming out to families and such that you address this sex issue.

Thing us, unless both people are OK with the lack of sex, idling at no sex is unsustainable and can ultimately lead to being a deal breaker.

I think that before going into the shit storm of coming out to everyone you need to be strong and that’s a large glitch in the Matrix if you ask me.

Try to resolve that issue first… whether it be just talking it out or seeking counseling, or whatever…

But if you two have a point of weakness going into such a trying ordeal it could just make it worse.

That’s my 2 cents,

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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