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I first had a girlfriend when I was 20 and I had no qualms about coming out. Except…she abandoned me when she realized that she wasn’t that much attracted to me. I wasn’t either, but I was so dismayed that I had come out for someone who was not worth it. I feared my parents, my relatives, my friends. It’s one thing to be out when you have at least one person backing you up…it’s another thing to feel that you’re all alone in that state.

I overdosed on Tylenol. I barely survived but I spent the next 12 years convincing myself that I was straight and whatever happened to me was nothing more than a phase.

I got married, but that was annulled after one year, when I realized that I couldn’t even bring myself to touch my husband. He was a good man and he loved me a lot, but I cheated on him by dating another man. I was trying to prove that there was nothing wrong with my body, that I was just probably with the wrong man. Still nothing. The man I cheated with already attempted rape, but it was like I was wearing an invisible chastity belt.

I tried dating somebody else. Same problem. This went on for 5 years. I even tried cheating on him with another man. It was still the same problem. So I went to an OB gyne and had myself diagnosed. She said I had vaginismus, a condition that prevents me from opening up. It’s the clinical term for “frigid”, I suppose.

In the four out of the five years that I was dating who was to be my last boyfriend, I secretly harbored a crush on another woman. That woman proved that I was not frigid. I was just trying to be with the wrong gender.

It’s been a year since my first real sexual experience but I realized, it really isn’t all about sex. It’s the complete connection I have with this woman, who touched me intellectually, spiritually and emotionally.

The only problem now is…she’s afraid to come out. That’s why I still am in the closet.

Guest Post Sent in by: Malditera
Location: Philippines
Age: 33
Website: http://malditera.blogspot.com