Guest Post: Religion and its effects on me

Dec
2010

Guest Post: Religion and its effects on me

well i’m 16 now but i’ve always kind of felt different than other girls, i could never put my finger on why i felt this way though. I live smack in the middle of “The Bible Belt” USA and thus i was brought up literally being brainwashed that homosexuality is the biggest sin one can commit and doing so will surely bring eternal punishment. well i was about 14 when I started figuring out i was a bit “curious” and around 15 i finally figured about i was a lesbian. now i’m happy with the way that i feel. God made me, and i wouldn’t change myself for anything but my family has different opinions on the matter…

i guess i never officially came out to my parents and as far as i know my baby sister still doesn’t know, but i digress….anyway my parents did eventually find out about my newly discovered sexuality…..and my new girlfriend ( which i had been seeing behind their backs for about 2 months at the time). now my parents are what you would call the typical “spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child” family in south U.S. but well lets just say they (mainly my father) takes that ideal too far. now my parents have always been overprotective and in my business but i never anticipated how much i guess. one day at school i was in my 1 class very early in the morning and i got called to the office to sign out. (this was HIGHLY unusual for my family due to my mom being a teacher and hating us to miss school) so when i went to the office and found my parents waiting for me i just knew they had found out….my stomach was below my feet and sinking lower fast. i’ve always been afraid of my parents and that’s how they like it, but this time i was honestly afraid for my life.

i knew their views on the issue and i know my next few hours didn’t look very promising. well turns out i was right (shocker i know) and once we got home i was subjected to hours of professional interrogation (my father’s a criminal investigator by profession) and a lot of -ahem- “getting some sense knocked into me” i ended up trying to run away to a nearby friends house but was caught and punished worse. they ended up making me sleep on their bedroom floor that night to make sure i wouldn’t try to run again. all in all they grounded me for 5 months. i had no electronics, no bedroom door, no friends (i mean this literally no dramatics. they called my best friends parents to inform them i would no longer be in contact), and was subjected to daily interrogations as to why i would do this to myself and subject them to this humiliation.

well as fate would have it i live in an INSANELY small town where my mother grew up and so everyone knows everybody. my parents literally implemented “spies” in my teachers (that my mother grew up with) to keep watch on me everyday when they couldn’t for “unnatural” behavior. after i graduated to the next and my current grade their behavior has settled down quite a bit, i’m still searched daily and am forbidden by their word to have any contact with my girlfriend, but they no longer “punish” me for simply looking at another female on the street or bringing up one in context. i’m currently still seeing my girlfriend and our 1st anniversary was a few days ago. i’m so insanely happy with her and at the moment want to spend the rest of my days with her. i hate lying about our relationship and it’s caused a few problems between us but she understands that it has honestly saved my life more than a few times….

although the ironic end to my tale is that i recently found out that my maternal uncle is gay and has been nearly all his life he just hasn’t come out to our entire family yet. this brings me such a great happiness to know that i do have some support in my new found life but it never will make up for my parent’s attitude…i no longer harbor affection for my father, but my mother is still my mother and i wish she would accept me but deep down i know she probably never will. i’ve talked to my girlfriend and she understands me but i guess i’ll always be looking for my mother’s love and approval. i wish you all out there better luck then i had. and i beg of you to do the same as me. i currently am still living in my parent’s house and my life hangs in the balance everyday, but i’m alive today and that’s all that matters today.

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2 Responses to Guest Post: Religion and its effects on me

so i want to start out saying i couldn’t understand were your coming from more. as i read your story i felt like i was reading my own. i have been out and proud for 3 years now, a few months ago my parents found out, my mom hates me and it completely gets worse every day and my dad could never care less. my younger brother constantly trys to start fights with me and gets away with anything because his sister is gay and he has the hardest life because of it. i owe everything to my fiance,(recently engaged) without her i have no idea where i would be. i have always believed in God with all my heart but lately i wonder what his plan is to make me and so many other like us go threw all these things. sooner or later things will get better i have next to lost all respect for all of my family but have found a home with my fiances amazing family. holding on is all we got so just make the best of what you got and know its all for a reason.

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by ki on December 23rd, 2010 at 11:28 PM

I know exactly how you feel actually. When my parents found out, I had been going through a lot, all related to the turmoil caused by having very very catholic parents, falling in love with your best friend and not having anywhere to turn to. I lost my music, phone, internet, friends and my door due to bad grades. I was failing my classes because I was going through so much drama at school, trying to figure myself out and keep it all from my parents. After breaking down and breaking my window, I was sent to the Psychiatric ward for a week and from there, three years of residential treatment at a youth ranch in Wyoming. I slept on the floor, was put on a leash and was sent to live outside in the snow, by myself on my 18th birthday (while the rest of the girls there preceded to have my birthday party). I went through so much crap there, but the one thing that had me the most upset was after about two and a half years, I was given a backpack representing my girlfriend in which I had to put rocks. It weighed about 50 to 60 lbs and I was required to carry it everywhere. (we ran a mile every morning and afternoon, I ran with it. I did push ups with it, I ran the hill outside our cabins as a punishment with it.) The backback was supposed to represent how I was still holding onto my girlfriend and that I needed to just let go and move on with my life. That I needed to deny that I was even a lesbian. I needed to deny that I loved her, say that I hated her, and that I never wanted to see her again and drop the backpack along with everything relating to her. I went along with them, I had to burn all of my belongings in what is called a “ceremony” or putting to death your old self. I denied that I loved her, denied everything that made me who I am all so that I could move through the program, get home and see her again. After getting home I was not allowed to have contact with anyone I knew before. None of the people that had cared for me, the friends who had saved my life on numerous occasions. A couple months later, after my parents had kicked me out of the house, I had come back and was put to work as the hired help of the household, I attempted suicide. Without my good friends by my side I had nothing to hold onto anymore. It was then in the hospital that I officially came out to my parents. To this day, nothing is said about it, they have said that they still love me but. my dad has said that he is not against it but does not agree, he only goes along with the discrimination because religion is so important to my mother. (he is not catholic.)
I am now engaged to my girlfriend (another girl I had met in highschool) and I can not tell my parents. They are skeptical about me both around males and females. Apparently I am just out to sleep with everyone in their opinion. It is really difficult having the overprotective catholic parents because they cannot seem to put themselves into someone elses shoes and understand where they are coming from. either you are right or you are wrong, and they are always right. We all have hurdles to jump and psychotic parents (well some of us don’t). But it gets better. The amount of commitment that I see in relationships such as yours blows me away. I wish I could see the same thing in many straight relationships that I see. To overcome and disregard the social stigma of being gay for your significant other and follow your heart rather than giving into your parents beliefs shows so much strength, love and commitment.

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by Chanel on December 29th, 2010 at 10:23 PM