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Christmas Day 2010 … how can I wake up sad? I’ve never really been a sad person… I had a nice time at Bro’s last night good food god wine good company. The last couple weeks have been filled with wonderful people, some adventure … the possibility of romance. I trip pending .. tomorrow. Yet I’m sad – the house is still and quiet it’s almost 10 am I’ve been up for 3 or 4 hours. Silence is golden? Who thought up that shit? I’m a person of great self talk – a lover of books, of quiet and of peace and solitude; so this should not be a sad morning. I am always able to pull up my bootstraps and carry on. This is the 3rd Christmas on my own after a some what shocking for me and nasty break up … nasty that it was so unexpected so personally devastating that I felt like a cloud followed me around…. For over a year… Maybe it’s still lurking. How can that be when I say I’m such an upbeat person? Well I don’t the answer to that…. I wish I did. I would be fine and driving home from work and then the water works would start; not bursting into tears – just sadness overflowing into the vehicle like a carelessly poured lager spilling the lip of the glass sliding towards the kitchen counter. That went on well off and on would strike me in the strangest places at the strangest times – a well of tears just spilling on occasion into the daily routine of my life. And here it is 2010 and 3 years later and I’ve been on 3 dates okay 4 but the last one is going to be a friend. The other 3 were interesting lessons in human contact… The first lives in the same city – is the ex of a staff member at the gym where I been going forever …. I know some of the history.. Walk away , no chemistry either. Second date probably a year later.. out of town – close to me summer property. Her profile reads great – picture; vibrant youthful attractive…. We meet and she is so run down beat up by life and ragged … I feel sorry for the life she has been handed. I promised myself no more projects! I’m a Pisces the carer the nurturer the giver the fixer – no more of this for me! I’m empathic, I listen- tsk tsk in the right places, acknowledge her horrors, put on my best big sister act and kindly slip away.

I‘ve made a list of things that have to be … imagined my live and what it is going to be like. Not what she looks like so much as how she feels – the soul knows. Some times as I’m falling asleep I feel a shape shifting taking life and is destined to how some how be part of my life. Not all of you are going to understand this – part of it is well new age – how many profiles have I seen that have “NEW AGE” for religion… If the lesbian community was that NEW Age – it wouldn’t be SO DYSFUNCTIONAL! So if my creative visualization techniques have strayed from what I read decades ago; I still think it is an important part of life to visual the many aspects of how we think our lives should be. Our careers our relationships our interactions with others … our ambition to realizing our fullest potential is always in the forefront.

Back to my list – small rant there…. I know, or my soul knows what “she” should be. Maybe I’ll create this mating of the souls and it will manifest itself – when I’m ready when the universe is ready….. I keep thinking I am ready. I’m lonely, and it’s not something I get all hung up about, as I’m a fine competent woman on my own. But I want my furever home – yes part of me is a lost dog … I think of the happy dogs and puppies you see at the rescue places but when you lower your guard and let their gaze capture yours – you see this sadness? Or maybe it’s a type of longing? What is it – there isn’t a lesbian out there that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. You look in those chocolate chip brown eyes and see years of happiness walking along the river path or valley ridges dog in tow bouncing through the long grass– a true faithful companion.. furever. Maybe I should get a dog? I’ve had dogs before and cats. Currently I’m pet less, lost the kids in the break up for their own good – all in their senior years. But having just said that thinking I’m onto something I realize that’s not what I want – I don’t want to be one of those pet people that transfer all their love and affection to an animal! Goood GREIF! I’ve seen it – in some many weird ways. Well we can’t make love because it upsets the dog… I can’t sleep because the kids …. 3 cats and a malmute puppy sleep on the bed and I can’t move.

Okay back to the list … I have one. I know I’ve been stalling and I realized I can’t tell you No – sorry I’m not telling you. It’s my own personal private want ad … tall fair attractive woman 50 ish seeks.. Same? – Something opposite? Everyone decides for them selves.

Okay I feel a little better now – thanks for listening. I have some things to do – maybe I just needed to refocus or something – life is great, wonderful even! Enjoy health and happiness in the New Year.

Sent in by: FishoutofWater
Location: Calgary, AB Canada