2010
GUEST POST: Secrets…
I recently came out of the closet to my parents when I was intoxicated. Before that my mother had always been discriminative towards lesbians. She hated the idea of two woman together, but didn’t mind the idea of two men seeing each other. My mother however told me she would still love me and was proud of me for being who I really am.
That’s besides the point though. As soon as I came out of the closet I joined a dating website hoping to meet some new friends because it isn’t easy making friends once everyone knows you are gay. So I changed my profile over from “straight” to “gay” figuring someone from my area would contact me and want to meet up.
A few weeks went by and I got a few weird replies from creepy people and I was on the verge of just giving up and forgetting about my idea, when I got a message from a girl who didn’t live in my area, but lived within an hour away. Her message was not like everyone elses who tried to pick me up and take me out or get me to sleep with them. It was sincere and sweet. The first thing she told me was that I was beautiful and my eyes were gorgeous. She told me I could reply if I wanted to, but if I didn’t she wouldn’t be offended. I did reply because I was curious to know more about this girl.
A few more weeks went by and a few more messages were exchanged between me and this girl before I finally got the guts to ask her for her phone number and for her facebook profile so I could be her friend and send her a text instead of trying to message or IM her from the website. She was so happy and didn’t hesitate when giving me her number. She even asked me to call her right away, but I was too shy to do that.
Eventually after texting her non stop one day, I got up the courage to call her and that phone conversation lasted until almost 5 AM. I usually hated talking on the phone, but for some reason this girl had me talking non stop and I didn’t want to hang up at all. In fact a few nights later I asked her to spend the night with me on the phone. She agreed and that night was the best I’d slept in years.
She asked me out a few nights later on a date and a first meeting (in person) for the both of us. We had web cam chatted before to prove to each other that we were real people, but now wanted to go on a date and see if the connection was just as strong. Our first date was amazing. It was the best time I had ever had with anyone…
3 months later and I’m still in love with this woman, but we have some issues. Some issues I want to ask for advice on because I just don’t know how to handle them. This is my first relationship with a woman and as crazy as it sounds I do believe she is the one for me. I love her with all my heart and I’ve never had these kinds of feelings for anyone. I’ve had crushes on girls in the past, but never a love this strong.
Our relationship itself is strong. When we are together we are inseparable, but the biggest issue is her parents who do not support her lifestyle which means I am a secret. I have met her parents, but only as her friend. Everyday that we talk she freaks out that they will find out about us and that they will make her life miserable and our relationship miserable too. She is scared I will walk away from her because they will set rules to which she cannot see me anymore. I tell her that I will never leave no matter what the circumstance is and that I will always be around for her. I tell her that I am in love with her and I want to go through everything with her. But it doesn’t help because it’s not an easy thing to have your parents not support you. I sometimes don’t know what to say. A part of me wants her to tell her parents so we can be more open about our relationship and I can write whatever I want on her facebook and so that she will stop freaking out about them not finding out or freaking out about hiding me every time they walk in the room and she’s on a skype call with me, but the other part of me says its for the best that they don’t know.
I need some help…
I need some opinions…
I love this woman and I don’t intend on giving up, but I am not sure what to do when she is scared of her parents. We are the same age, but she is living under their roof for another 2-3 years. Is it just going to get harder? Should I encourage her to talk to her parents about us or should I continue to be the best kept secret she’s ever had?
Sent in by: Shannon
Age 19
I don’t think either of you should underestimate her parents’ capacity to understand their daughter. I think it’s interesting how you started this entry talking about your own relationship with your mother who “still loves you and is proud of you for being who you really are,” (Loosely quoted) but then said something like, “that’s besides the point.”
You’re wrong there. That is EXACTLY the point.
Think a little more deeply about how you felt before you came out to your mom. Why were you intoxicated? How did it feel to keep such an important part of yourself hidden from someone who loves you so deeply? Why did you choose to stay in the closet, why did you choose to come out? How did she handle it, and how has your relationship changed for the better and for the worse? Really think about it, because I guarantee you there are probably a few very complicating answers to these questions, yeah? The mother/daughter bond is a very multifaceted bond, and there are always a couple different ways to look at it.
Your true love is in the same boat. The most sincere advice I can give you is to listen to what she says about her relationship with her parents, why she’s so nervous (perfectly natural), and help put her at ease with many of the great sources available to GLBT youth these days. Check out http://www.glsen.org for advice on parents and coming out, or afterellen.com. If you’re in school, a guidance counselor may have some good advice or there may be an alliance with friends who can offer support and their own stories.
As much as you care about her, this is her journey and her family. Let her do what feels natural and comfortable for her. Don’t push her to do anything she isn’t ready for, or it may cause both of you a lot of grief in the future.
Most importantly (for both of you), again don’t underestimate parents. I know how stifling they can seem at your ages, and how terrifying it can be to say, “I’m gay,” but as it stands right now it sounds like they’re just as in the dark as you two are in that closet. Until she takes that step to shed some light on her identity, neither of you know how they are going to react. Remember that parents just want the best for you