thelesbianlifestyle.com

One of the questions of the month is if you are married to a man and think you are or might be a lesbian. I’m going through a late in life coming out experience and I blog about it. Here is a post about my experience and why I blog, for myself and for other married women like me. I wrote it back in August of 2010, and it’s still true.

I recently had occasion to remember that two summers ago I went from suicidal to out in the span of about a month. It was head-spinning. Coming out saved my life. But it was intense. It took me a year to just catch my breath.

Last summer I started blogging. I did it for me, because I needed a place to process all that was going on with me. I needed a way to put down in writing all the bewildering changes in my life; I needed a place to ask questions; I needed a place to go when I felt horrible; I needed a place where I would feel totally safe to proclaim my bliss at finally coming out.

I just read an article that reminded me of one of the reasons I continue to blog. All the reasons I listed above still stand. I just need a place to dump out my brain. I need a place to say things I really can’t and don’t say anywhere else at all. And I need this place for the support I get from those who read and comment.

But this article, Coming Home, by Jonathan Odwell, reminds me of another reason I’m here. Odwell grew up fundamentalist Christian – and gay – in the deep South. His article describes an experience speaking as an invited guest at a fundamentalist Christian seminary. I encourage everyone who reads this post to also click and read the article. Odwell moved me deeply with his account of telling his story and finding commonality with a group of people he never expected to reach.

And the article reminded me that I’m here for those people who show up here and read every page of this blog in one sitting and never comment, and keep showing up day after day to read, sometimes twice a day. Some people read the whole blog more than once. Every time I check my blog hits and I see they’ve gone past my usual numbers, I check and it’s almost always because someone has come along and read the whole thing that day.

I used to do that. And then I’d clear my history on the computer, and I’d go hide again. And I’d hang on to any hopeful words I found; any stories that seemed to connect in any small way with mine. I couldn’t imagine coming out, living out. I couldn’t imagine what I am doing now. I was horrified because I couldn’t seem to stop picturing myself dismantling my life from the inside out. I felt elated because I couldn’t seem to stop feeling relief at knowing myself. I would go walking around the block and on the side of the block where I couldn’t see my house I’d feel ecstatic. On the side of the block where I could see my house I would imagine that my very essence was the nuclear bomb that was going to turn my home into a mushroom cloud (Sarah Connor’s nightmare, anyone? Only I was the cause).

I wish I could clarify for you (and for myself maybe) some distinct path I took to find my way to where I am today. And I wish I could articulate what comes next for me. The one thing I can say is that when all else has seemed to fail, taking it one breath at a time has saved me. And when my paltry imagination surrenders, the universe surprises me with possibilities. Doors open. Options increase. Support and caring abound.

It turns out that we’re worth it. We who are slowly opening those closet doors midway through our adult lives, we don’t know if we’re worth it. We don’t know if our essence, our soul, our being, matter enough to allow our authenticity to shine. I still wonder about that. But we are worth it. We are.

We are surrounded by support. We are surrounded by care, by love. Hundreds and thousands of our sisters are patiently waiting for us to join them. Don’t believe what you read about how the LLLs (that’s life-long-lesbians for those reading here who haven’t been kicking around on the online support network for married gay women) hate us. If you find a woman or a group of women who do not want to accept you, move on. It’s not because they’re too lesbian for you. They just weren’t the right group for you. So move on. You will find your support. It is there, and it is strong.

You will survive. You do not have to make every change you think you have to make in your life TODAY. You do have time to contemplate which changes work for you. You do not have to do anything right now; and in fact, any urgency you feel to act probably deserves to be questioned. We are so conditioned to believe that married women who are attracted to other women are bound to behave irresponsibly, that we may almost chastise ourselves for continuing to live our lives.

Let me assure you. Change will come. Freedom emerges from deep within. Wonderful surprises await. Be you, right now, where you are. And the next step will appear. It won’t be what you expect. But it will appear.

Keep breathing. OK? Keep breathing. I don’t really know who I’m speaking to tonight, except that I always speak to myself when I write here. My story is not your story, and no one can live your life better than you can. Bless my high school English teacher who so often quoted Emerson: “Trust thyself; every heart vibrates this iron string.”

You are good. Just as you are. Right now. Trust. This is truth. You are loved.

Sent in by: Making Space
Age: 44
Location: Pacific
Website: http://makingspacethejourneyout.wordpress.com