thelesbianlifestyle.com

Dear Lost and Confused,

This certainly is a complicated situation, and I think most of us have found ourselves in something similar at one time or another. The heart of the matter is your statement: “I can’t stand living with her but I know I can’t be without her.” How do you know you can’t live without her? You did fairly well without her for at least 7 years. Without being prescriptive, I’d think you should figure out if you are really a lesbian or if you just latched on to the first source of affection you found after hitting the skids with your ex. If so, well, there are other women out there whose personalities and life goals might better match yours. I really think that you are hanging on to feelings that you probably had for this girl in high school, and you (understandably) fear letting go. I think you need to take the long view; get out of this dysfunctional relationship that is clouding your judgment right now. See what happens with your ex; it could very well be that you go on to be happy (more satisfied) with the lesbian lifestyle while still maintaining positive relations with your ex outside the frictions that marriage brings. Anyway, that’s my two cents (all it’s worth, I’m sure). I wish you the best; good luck.

Marin

You say that you “can’t be without her”, but what I’m hearing is “I’m afraid of being alone”. You deserve to be with someone that treats you AND your children with love and respect. Say no to crappy relationships.

My advice is to walk away and then spend the next year (remaining single!) learning how to love yourself. Because you will attract people (and say “yes” to people) who echo how you see yourself. If you see yourself as unlovable, then you will attract people like your current girlfriend you treat you as unlovable.

You might want to check out “Codependents Anonymous”, a 12-step group for people who rely on others for happiness and self-worth. Or you might want to talk to a therapist or counselor.

When you learn to truly love yourself unconditionally, you will be AMAZED who shows up in your life.

You seem to be thinking about getting back with your husband, who you are STILL married to, which can’t fill your girlfriend with much confidence that you will not eventually leave her and return to being “straight”. She made you “feel like a million bucks” but have you returned the compliments and love?

You “can’t stand living with her” so what is keeping you with her? You left your husband even though you have kids together and love him.

I don’t date women who are married, with or without children. And I certainly wouldn’t date a woman who is still in love with her husband. Relationships are complicated enough without the extra ingredients.

Sweets, I left my husband 18 years ago left my church started University and came out all within a year. I had 2 daughters 2 and 4 at the time. I dated and was in and out of relationships with women. whenever I was out of relationships it was because women didn’t get that my girls and I were a package deal, or became irritated or impatient with them, or thought they wanted to raise kids and be a part of my family and then realized that they actually couldn’t handle it (and my girls were great kids). It took me a good 8 years to find a partner who wanted to raise kids with me. Ten years later we are still together and the girls are adults.

Just keep in mind that kids grow up and they remember this stuff. If you don’t choose them first they will know it and remember it. You can live without this woman….you can’t live with out the kids. they are there with you your whole life but women come and go.

There IS someone who CAN handle it, someone who always has loved kids and will love all of you but you have to make room for her to come into your life. She won’t be filling a space occupied by a woman who can’t adore your kids and doesn’t want to parent them. She will have more integrity than that. Darlin’ don’t move in with anybody else until you find that person and KNOW her heart.

No 2 month u-haul whirlwind romances for you girl. You have precious kidos. they deserve for you to move slow and be sure….so do you.