2011
My Decisions, My Life
I was 18 years old when I thought I found love for the first time. I am now 32. It was a man that completely rocked my world. It had been years that I had been in the state of denial about who I am. I played the roll of what I thought everyone in my small town expected. That sequence of events in my head went like this: Graduate high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married and have 2.5 children. I did just that, minus the 2.5 children. I did have a daughter, all the while knowing I wasn’t expressing nor living who I knew I really was. I have been married for almost 11 years now. I did finally admit to myself who I am. I am a lesbian.
I made a life changing decision to join the military, regardless of any rules or regulations I would endure from being a lesbian. I had many expectations for what this decision would be for me. I needed to continue my college education and I needed to obtain secure and steady income. I needed to get away. I never admitted to anyone that my hidden reason for joining the military would be to end my marriage and come out to myself as being a lesbian. When I joined the military, completed basic training and other schooling, he admitted to me that he would never be with me as long as I was in the military. He did finally choose to try to be with me and brought himself and our daughter to be with me. Months had gone by with him with me, our daughter was missing our families and he wasn’t wanting to be here anymore. So, he decided to make a trip home and took our daughter with him. This will come to be the worse decision I ever made. Allowing him to take our daughter with him was the beginning of me seeing her once a year.
I am still married and the divorce has been the most challenging and most trying time of my life. I have never admitted to my husband that I am a lesbian, but he has his own thoughts as to who I really am. In other words, he knows. He has formed thoughts in our daughters head and at three years old she was asking me questions about things that a three year old should not know about. I rarely get to talk to her and I seldom get to see her. There are several legalities to this issue of course; however, that is a story in itself.
It has been nearly 5 years now since I joined the military. My college education is still not quite complete, my divorce is still not final, and based on the length and complication of this divorce, financial security is non-existent…but I am a lesbian, I am out, and I am confident being who I am.
Sent in by: Jen Webb
Age: 32
Location: US
