2011
A different breed
A few years ago, I was taking a German course, and made best friends with a girl in my class. She was gay, and not the first gay girl I’d known, but she was the first I’d come out to. At that point, I’d been involved in the gay rights movement for years, and met a lot of gay girls who really made me brim with excitement and passion.
So, for a long time, I spent my life living in the closet, afraid to admit to who I am. I thought, is it appropriate to show that side of myself? I knew my family would accept me, and most of my friends. I couldn’t quite deal with it on a religious level, so I became Unitarian.
As time went on, I started to accept it more and more and more, because I can’t help my feelings. I love women, and I love lesbian women. I have feelings for a girls easily enough, I can accept that part of myself, but there’s a problem.
I’m male. So when I told my classmate, she immediately hated me. It was hard enough in my life to admit to not loving a woman as a dominant or submissive partner, but as an equal; but to then have to admit that I loved them in a way that I’ve only seen between two women…
I cried at the doomed life of unrequited love. The dry prospects, the rejections for my horrible, undeniably male body. I pushed aside the masculine elements of my personality, and let the feminine ones show, and it makes me feel so much better about my whole persona.
The more androgynous I get, the better I feel overall. I just wish a wonderful woman could love the woman inside me. I don’t expect anyone here to understand. In fact, I pretty much expect everyone here to hate me, and remove my story, but I just hope you can understand that if I accept and embrace the love you feel for someone of your own sex, you may understand my love for women as a woman… inside a man.
Sent in by: Robin K
Age: 28
Location: United States
First of all, this sounds like one of those situations where you need to put Lady Gaga’s song Born This Way on repeat on your IPod and just keep playing it over and over.
Second, lookie! Nobody took this down. I’m betting nobody will.
Third, I wonder if you’ve given any thought to looking for a transgender/transsexual community in your area? Given that you’ve been involved in gay rights activism, I bet you’re just a hop, skip and a jump away from trans activists. Lovely folks, and sometimes misunderstood by both the gay and straight communities.
I have some friends who knew they were women though they had men’s bodies. One waited until she was fifty to change her body to match her identity. She’s never been happier! And wow does she love the ladies! LOL
Some folks love to live in that androgynous space, and they find community there too. There are others like you out there, I PROMISE. You are not alone.
Some folks find it to be a great relief to get their bodies to match their identities in a very thorough way. There are lots of resources if you find that interesting – even just to research.
You get to be who you are, and you get to love who you love. And you will find a community of folks who you understand, and who understand you. And you are not alone.
Keep breathing. Stay alive. Stay safe. Find your tribe. And I won’t be a bit surprised if you come back in a year with a follow-up about it all.
We call it the rainbow because all colors are welcome. Yours too.