thelesbianlifestyle.com

I spent the summer before entering college asking myself repeatedly, “why me?” The question I was asking myself came from the same place that I spent years trying to bury. I would say the burying of feeling started while the other girls in my Catholic elementary school played hop scotch and arranged ‘marriages’ between the cute boys and girls in our grade while I was playing a competitive game of football with the boys-usually on the winning team. Longing for acceptance, as most kids do, I decided I would attend a different high school, away from the people that saw me for who I really was- a football playing, basketball shorts wearing, never-wore-my-hair-down little misfit.

High school I saw as a fresh slate, a chance to finally be one of the girls playing hop scotch and gossiping in the corner about the boys who liked them most (don’t ask me why I found this desirable, but at the time I did.) I was ready to put the football down and pick up a dress. I was ready to be pretty, I was ready to have boys like me! Or so I thought. So I went into my first day of high school wearing a skirt, a blouse, and a pair of nice shoes (yeah, not sneakers this time) AND I had my sister straighten my hair. Needless to say physical appearance does alter how others perceive you so my plan worked perfectly- I made gorgeous/popular female friends and had guys asking me out. I finally got what I wanted, I was now the girl I always wanted to be so then why did I feel so lost and, most importantly, so miserable?

I did not figure out the answer to this nagging question until I confronted my past. As cliche as it might sound, the past usually can give you the answers your looking for. So I spent my senior year of high school searching the memories of my past to recall why my present, the one I had worked so hard to create, was making me so uncomfortable. I was pretty, I was popular, I had a boyfriend, I had the most incredible friends, a beyond supportive family…so why was I so miserable!? I would have to say it had to do something with the project I started in elementary school, the one where it became my duty to bury my feelings so I could feel as though I belonged somewhere- anywhere but the football field. It’s just not right for a girl to be so damn….well not girly, right?

With time I have been able to search through my past to find my answers and it has become overtly clear: I was, I am, gay. I rather wear basketball shorts than a dress, I rather play football than arrange fake marriages or gossip, and most importantly, I rather have a girl ask me out than a guy. Maybe that means I am a misfit in some peoples’ eyes but to me, the person that it matters most to, I’m really not a misfit at all- I’m just me. Turns out the people I love the most actually were not very surprised when I announced I was gay. They were actually expecting it- imagine that, figuring something so intimate out about yourself after others already did! Well I guess my overly competitive spirit, unwillingness to put on a dress or really anything with the color pink sorta gave it away!

Sent in by: Stephanie DiNicola
Age: 19
Location: New Jersey
Website: http://fight4something.org